her lil black book... the blog

NEW BLOG

2010-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

You can now find posts over at herlilblackbook.wordpress.com

xoxo

HLBB

HLBB Presents....the NYE 3 a.m. Girl

2009-12-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

Ah, it's about that time of year...Ladies and Gentlemen - introducing your NYE 3 a.m. Girl. If you're new and don't know what a 3 a.m. Girl is, here's a refresher... Okay, now that you're caught up. Let's continue. It’s important to note that a 3 a.m. Girl is a mindset, not a timeline. You can spot a 3 a.m. Girl at 11 p.m. or 2 at in the afternoon.

Some of the most responsible women you know have 3 a.m. Girl moments…like say, dancing on a bar at your birthday party…), but a 3 a.m. Girl is always a 3 a.m. Girl.

On the 31^st, it might be hard for you to differ one from the other, so here's your cheat sheet to tell the difference between a Girl Partying 'til 3 a.m. (PT3AM) and a 3 a.m. Girl (3AG)

PT3AM

Wears a sexy little black dress, a wristlet and high-heeled boots to the club. Drinks champagne and is carrying her phone/pda, cash, debit card, ID, and lip gloss. If so inclined, she has her room key and condoms safely tucked away in the compartment of the wristlet.

3AG

Wears sexy LBD sans panties, a clutch that she’ll misplace, open toed shoes to show off the pedicure she got at the chop shop that afternoon. In the compartment of her clutch she has her birth control pill dosage for the next 24 hours, and she’s holding her (soon to be lost) phone because her clutch is too small; her BFF has the key to the room…

PT3AG

Will hit a couple of house parties before the main event and drink a lot of champagne (that way she’ll have a nice buzz before said event). She may even skip the club and stay at rooftop condo party with friends because the music’s good, she’s chipped in for pizza and everyone loves her dress; that way she can enjoy being the most fabulous girl in the room.

3AG

She will be pre-drinking in the hotel room she's rented with her BFF (with an open invite to a few select people) for the night. She can’t remember why she hasn’t had a hotel party since prom, but she’s looking forward to it. She’ll drink whatever is at bottle service because the promoter who invited her said it was free for her all night. She will enjoy the attention she gets by showing off her pole dancing skills to everyone in “VIP”

PT3AG

Can’t believe she let her friends convince her to buy the dress that cuts down to there. But she’s got more double sided tape on than J-Lo at the Grammys and has been going to the gym all year. She remembers the trick her makeup artist friend taught her and throws a little extra bronzer in that area just in case she’s photographed.

3AG
Her friends convince her that you can totally see the panty line of her thong under her white dress, so she goes without. She sprays a little extra perfume in the area, just in case, and tries to remember to stand just in case she’s photographed.

PT3AG

Her circle of friends call all night to get her coordinates (she is party hopping after all). Her ringtone them is “Paper Planes”, because it reminds her of the time they went to that random party in the summer.

3AG

Her ex calls all night because he wants to be with her at midnight (and knows that she has a room). Her ringtone for him is Sexy Bitch because he dedicated it to her when they heard it at Ultra in the summer.

The PT3AG can be found at 6 a.m. at an all night diner with friends or asleep in her bed.

By 1 p.m. New Year’s Day, she’s having brunch with friends, sans makeup, (with big black sunglasses of course) and enjoying a mimosa with her pancakes. She’s dreading going back to work on Monday but it was a good night…she can’t wait to see the pictures…

The 3AG can be found at 6 a.m. locked out of her hotel room because her so called BFF is acting like a c*nt and won’t open the door. She can’t call because she lost her phone and she had to share a cab with the asshole “promoter” because the limo service ended at 2:30.

By 1 p.m. you can find her at the Eaton Centre (with a wicked hangover), finally reunited with her shit from the room, getting a new phone from the Rogers store.

She doesn’t program her ex-BFF’s number because when she checked facebook after updating the app, she saw that the c*nt posted the picture of her where you can see her coochie…

See you in the New Year darlings…

Let's (not) Make a Deal

2009-12-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

This question was posed to me the other day and I was actually stumped for a moment. Why do people…specifically women have dealbreakers? Does this not mean that instead of focusing on the positive attributes in a man, you only are focusing on the negative? I looked deep within my soul, took a deep breath and replied: Well, would you date a fat chick?

Okay then, moving on…

Basically, we all have dealbreakers. It’s in our nature. But, I will say that I have heard of a lot more dealbreakers from women than I do from men. Basically guys just want a girl who doesn’t have a lot of baggage and doesn’t weigh so much that he can’t carry her out in case of a fire (thank my boss for that scenario).

If you remember the game show Let’s Make a Deal with good ol’ Monty, you know that people only had a few moments to decide if they were going to take what was behind door number 1 or door number 2. The same goes when she’s checking you out. Your outward appearance, demeanour, aura, (i.e. the stuff she can see) is that door. Just like the show, she can trade you in if she doesn’t think you’re of value. Why would she trade you in so soon? Here’s a list of some popular dealbreakers. Remember, these aren’t the heavy, relationship-type dealbreakers; this is the first impression type stuff.

Do you have a mirror?
Yes. Good. Did you take a good long look at yourself before leaving to go out? If you are over the age of oh…20, please stop wearing baggy jeans. Skinny hipster jeans are also a no-no; I’ve yet to meet a woman who finds them attractive.

Can I offer you some gum?
You have approximately 30 seconds to introduce yourself and get her name in return. If she can smell what you had for lunch or, as one girl put it to me “what you just threw up”, then you’re getting at best a pained smile and a fake name. Altoids, piece of gum, hell, even a Listerine strip will go a long way.

(Her) Love don’t cost a thing…
A woman of substance (i.e. non-gold digging princess types, y’know the ones you say are so hard to find) will not care if you have bottle service; it only proves that you can buy a bottle and not much more. Flashy clothes, jewels, teeth (ick, yeah I said it) etc etc blind us to whatever good qualities you may have.

Dress nice…
Let me clear up this misconception: “nice” doesn’t have to mean “expensive”. An average looking guy who is put together well, will do much better than a gorgeous guy who has no sense of style. Don’t know what “put together” means? Hire a stylist or invite a trusted female (who can be honest) to go through your closet and make some recommendations. “Nice” does not mean a suit and tie…clean kicks, a fresh smelling tee and jeans that don’t have mould growing on them will do just fine, provided that is your style. If you have any “Beer is better than…” or Ed Hardy t-shirts, just burn them.

Smell inviting…
If you wear a cable knit sweater in a club and wonder why you can’t get a girl to talk to you past midnight, I’d like to point out one little thing: you stink This also means that we should not be able to smell you five minutes before you come over to us and 10 minutes after you leave. Pick a fragrance that works with your body chemistry and smells inviting…that’s when we lean close to talk directly in your ear.

Go hard…then go home.
This is especially true if you’re in a club. Honey, you are there to have a good time. Could you crack a little bit of smile? You don’t think that we don’t see you before you approach do you? We watch that behaviour as well. And the arrogant, insulting “I don’t give a fuck” attitude guarantees that you won’t get a fuck either.

THIS POST IS INTERACTIVE - we want to hear from you!

Ladies…am I missing any? Send me a tweet with the hashtag #dealbreaker

Got your own dealbreaker story? Send in webcam story via email and we’ll add it to our YouTube channel!

Okay...which list will YOU end up on tomorrow?

2009-12-24T15:13:00.001-08:00

So tonight, some of you are still scrambling to buy a present... my thoughts are with you.

Tomorrow (or the day after or in a few hours if she's eager), she'll be opening the present you so painstakingly (or rushed) to buy. The question will be: will you be on the nice or naughty list after she sees it?

How to get on the NAUGHTY list:

Gift Cards.
Seriously? That's what you buy friends, family, your child's teacher. When the girlfriends commune in the days to come and talk about what they got, picture her holding up a gift card to Future Shop and saying with a big smile "THIS!"

Yeah, doesn't work.
Anything Domestic
Unless she's a domestic goddess who goes by the names Nigella, Rachael or Martha, do NOT attempt this. Unless she says specifically that for Christmas she wants new cookware, baking supplies or a vacuum, do not attempt this.

Lingerie (especially in the wrong size)
We know you're visual creatures...that's why WE buy the stuff. Do not buy unless you've been together for a while. If you need to figure out what her size is, instead of going into the store and saying to the (hot) salesgirl "she's about your size", try this: remember when you oh so expertly removed her bra when you were getting it on? There's a size tag. Usually by the clasp. Check it out. Most importantly: do NOT buy any of the Xmas themed stuff at the front of the store. You will be dateless on New Year's Eve if she finds that under the tree.
Random Perfume
Avoid this at Valentine's as well. She has a favourite fragrance (or three or four), and if you don't know the exact name, don't try sniffing a bunch of bottles and thinking, "that's about right".
Anything Practical
Yes, of course it makes complete sense to buy her a back up flashlight/smoke detector/emergency kit for her car. But unless she's a gadget girl...practical gifts are best saved for, nothing. Let her parents buy that shit. Again, imagine her holding it up a flashlight to her girlfriends and saying: "THIS!"

How to get on the NICE list

Pampering
Hmmm. This would be the ONE time a gift card is acceptable. Treating her to a massage and/or pedicure? Especially if you say it's because you see she works hard (in or out of the home)? Genius.

Listen out for these words:
"I LOVE this..."
"I like this..."
"I've always wanted..."
"I adore..."
"I really should get..."

I'm not one of those women who drops hints around November at what I want in hopes that he'll remember, but I do talk about stuff I like. Some women hint straight out; others will hand you a typewritten list in Excel cross referenced with stores and prices as well as directions to the mall.

Guys, you don't understand how excited we get when we realize that you are LISTENING and retaining shit we say. You know the phrase "it's the thought that counts"? Well, the very thought of you remembering that she coveted something makes the present that much more special.

Because then the scenario goes like this: she gets together with the girls post holiday. They compare gifts. She's asked "what did He get you?" She flashes the item AND talks about how she only mentioned it in passing, like, ONCE, way back when and that you must've written it down or remembered or something and there it was under the tree and blah blah blah blah...

The other ladies swoon. They chime "awww! That's so sweet! He's such a great guy!" The one who got the present off the naughty list (and there's always one...) will go home and give her honey the "why can't you be more like that?" look, without explaining why and plug in her new state of the art vacuum.

Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night...

xoxo
HLBB

8 Simple Tips for Cheating

2009-12-13T11:12:00.000-08:00

1 – Don’t.

2 – Okay, if you really must: wear protection.
This would be one of those times where sharing is NOT caring.

3 – Okay, if you really must. Be discreet and keep it simple.
If you are to have a jump-off, make sure that they have something to lose and not something to gain. Also, stick to one jump-off at a time, I mean, c’mon now, you’re in a committed relationship already! How much more sex can you need? Don’t you have a job? A paper route? A hobby?

4 – DON’T lie to the jump off.
As Yvonne of heydoyou.com tweeted the other day “two timing guys get caught twice”.
You are already lying to one person; why complicate matters more? I don’t even think that they’ve made an app to help you keep track of lies; if they did, I’d know even more people with iPhones.

Wait – stops to check App Store – nope. Just lie detector apps.

Look at Letterman. Did any of his affairs go running to Life & Style Magazine to tell “their side” of the story? Nope. Wow. Look what honesty gets you. Remember, it wasn’t even one of the exes that outed him! She wanted it kept private. Why? So as not to be accused of sleeping her way to the top. Why? Because she had something to lose.

But Tiger? Oh Tiger, you probably told each of your lucky 13 that they were the only one(s). I’m NOT sorry, but cocktail waitresses with dreams of becoming models at the age of 24 don’t have anything to lose.They knew you had a wife, but when one jump-off came out, each realized you had lied to them. Hell hath no fury like a jump-off lied to.

5 – Set the terms.
No overnights. No calls to the house (really, a smart cheater has more than one phone, GoogleVoice anyone?) No pictures (and if you’re even contemplating for a moment nekkid pics, don’t). Set up a separate email account. Always use condoms. Don’t have sex in your car. No time together on holidays. Do not go out in public or to any of the places you go to with your beloved.

Hey you know what? Sucks to be them, but if they’re willing to agree to those terms – and yes, I know people who have – then that’s their lot in life to accept. They made their bed, so they can sleep in it alone.

Oh, if all the above seems like too much work for you, then you shouldn’t be cheating in the first fucking place. Dumbass.

6 – Don’t fall in love.
It’s a “transgression” remember? Falling in love is what you did with the person you're cheating on.

7 – Don’t feel guilty.
Huh? You’re cheating on the love of your life, the mother/father of your children, your best friend and soul mate? But, you feel guilty? Awwww. Then, you my friend are a Dumbass. That’s right, you must go through with your transgression feeling no guilt, no remorse; as if you have the best of both worlds. If you can’t feel that way, then you shouldn’t be cheating or be in a relationship. That’s right, choose one. Do not pass GO, do not collect another jump-off. Choose.

8 – Expect to get caught.
Expect to find panties stuffed under the car seat. Expect a voicemail on the home line (because you didn’t pay attention to tip #5). Expect to slip up on a name in a moment of anger or passion. Expect that your beloved will notice a change in behaviour both in and out of the bedroom. Expect that one day you will be walking down the street with your beloved and see your jump-off staring at you in shock because they thought you were single (ah, you ignored tip #4, didn’t cha?). Expect that once caught out, that there will be a swift and possibly violent reaction. Expect to be caught on camera. Expect that there will be evidence. Expect that one day Maury Povich will say “Dumbass, you ARE the father!” Expect one or both people to break up with your cheating ass.

Because you got away with a one night stand, you are not an expert cheater, so yes, expect to get caught.

Well, there you have it.

Before the emails of condemnation come in, I will disclose: yes, I’ve been cheated on. Yes, I’ve been the girl who followed all of rules in tip #5. I’m not casting stones. I personally believe that if you are the type of person to cheat then you just shouldn’t bother with relationships. But at least try to mitigate the damage you’re about to do (already doing), and if you can’t follow tip #1, then expect all of tip #8 to smack you upside the head like 9-iron.

xoxo

Yes, This Time it's Personal...

2009-12-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

Geneviève Bergeron, Hélène Colgan, Nathalie Croteau,

Barbara Daigneault

Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Haviernick, Maryse Laganière

Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay

Sonia Pelletier, Michèle Richard, Annie St-Arneault, Annie Turcotte

Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz…

These are the names we know; these are the names we have been told about…

These are the names for the women who didn’t have names. These names and the image above should be all the information you need to know what this post is about. This is my memorial. This is my thank you to these women, these women who taught me at the tender age of 13 that violence is wrong.

But I was never taught the signs. Never given the clues to what leads to that kind of behaviour.

I was raised a feminist. I wasn’t given feminist literature, taken on marches or ever lit a bra on fire. I was raised to never see obstacles because of my gender (or race), with the knowledge that I would have to work 3 times as hard to be considered half as good, but was told by my Mother (who raised me), my Aunt (who inspired me, and a fine selection of men (Uncle, Cousins) who always taught me to go for mine.

Then I met him…and still no one taught me the signs.

I was 17, impressionable and just out of my first romance. I had switched schools for academic reasons and like the Type-A overachiever I was, was taking a bunch of specialty classes: Politics, Scriptwriting, and Psychology. He was in all my classes.

He said things like “I never knew that girls as pretty as you could be so smart”… “you have great legs”… you’re reading that book? Impressive…” Always with a smile, always flirting. I fell for it instantly. We started to date and the compliments stopped.

I, Miss Type A, also had a part-time job after school. This money gave me the freedom to go to movies, go shopping, buy make up, books, comics, film and photographic paper (I was also taking Photography). One day he complained that my time spent at work meant time away from him and building our relationship. My smart-ass response was “are you going to buy my Always? Because that’s what me working allows me to…” He thought my allowance should be enough. It was our first fight.

We fought about sex…actually, we negotiated it. Once, he told me “if I can’t get it from you, I’m going to have to go elsewhere…” and proceeded to flirt with a girl that he knew I thought was prettier than I.

I once made elaborate (for a 17 year old) plans for us to alleviate his complaints that I had no time for him. He stood me up and called 5 hours later to tell me he had “hung out with friends and fallen asleep. What’s the big deal?”

In Politics class, he was the “star student” of the class and I, a novice. I had taken the class because I knew nothing about politics and wanted to learn. For our end of term paper (which he was supposed to help me with but bailed), I achieved an A+… he got a B (he wrote it the night before it was due). After comparing of our grades, he said the only reason I had gotten my A+ was because the teacher thought I was hot. In fact, he thought that I had achieved most of my grades on looks or charm because “(I) wasn’t as smart as (I) thought (I) was”. Actually, that year, I ranked in the 98^th percentile for my district and the 95^th percentile in Ontario. I had been reading at a 12^th grade level since I was 6 years old. I got A’s without having to ever study for an exam. Yet, he constantly called me stupid, or silly or my favourite: uninformed. (But I had great legs).

We would argue, and I mistook it for passion. I thought we were having an "mature" relationship. But I was getting tired of it. Then I heard he made plans to go out with that “other girl” and I thought, “I’m done.”

I tried to break up with him over the phone. He’d change the subject. I tried in person after he dropped me home after school, he laughed it off. I finally wrote him a “Dear John” letter and placed it in his mailbox at school. He found me in the hall and ran up to me, grabbed me in a bear hug and said “Chiquita! What is this? You can’t be serious!” He laughed. He asked if I had met someone else. I said, “No. Everything I have tried to tell you is in that letter. We are done.”

Weeks went by and there was no contact. We broke for Christmas. One of his friends called me to invite me to a party and I declined, explaining that I didn’t want to see my ex at this party. He told me that my ex went to Blue Mountain with that other girl. I led his friend to believe that I had moved on as well, knowing that his call was not to invite me anywhere but to “report” back to my ex. School resumed. My ex and I kept respectful distances from each other. One day he came to me and said could we talk over coffee, clear the air. I accepted.

On the subway ride downtown, he mentioned the conversation I had with his friend in an off-hand manner. I laughed in his face and said “gotcha! I knew what he was doing, so I gave him something to report…” My ex was not amused that I had outsmarted him, again. He said instead of coffee, he wanted to go to the library and show me a documentary on Che that he thought would “open my eyes” I responded that I had no interest in Che and had agreed only to coffee. We began to argue. Publicly. At the corner of Yonge and Bloor. In the middle of rush hour. I realized that I didn’t need this and said so, turned on my heel and walked away…

He grabbed the hood of my coat and yanked me back so hard, I came off my feet.

No one stopped.

He grabbed my arm and said, “don’t you fucking walk away from me!”

I shoved him back and said, “Fuck off! Touch me again and I will call my boys!” (He hated that I had so many guy friends, by the way. The only reason they were friends with me was “because they wanted to fuck (me)”

No one stopped.

He took me to the library. I went to the phones and called my best friend (a guy), who wanted to know if I was okay. I was angry I said (I didn’t admit that I was scared) and on my way home. My best friend asked me to come to his house first so he could see that I was okay. I lied to my ex, saying I had to go home; it would be the only reason he’d let me go.

I looked at the bruise on my arm the next morning and thought “never again”. I realized that my spark had been diminished during my time with him, that my grades had suffered because I didn’t want to make him feel less smart, that my spunky sarcasm and my glam make-up had been muted. I thought “never again”. Friends who hadn’t heard from me as much were saying “welcome back”, I smiled a little more often. Those were the signs.

In Politics class, we did a module on feminism, and the teacher brought up those 14 names. I watched my ex’s face for signs. He said that they weren’t martyrs because they had simply been caught in the crossfire.

“Bullshit” I snapped. “He targeted them based on the simple criteria that they were women. Women who were smart, women who had achieved something, women who were more capable than he was. He was a limp-dicked wimp who couldn’t compete, so he committed a cowardly act and then killed himself!”

The class was silent. The teacher said nothing. I was shaking.

I looked at my ex and said “and it will never happen again...”

Resources:
http://www.whiteribbon.ca/
http://www.itstartswithyou.ca/home/

Our Comments on Tiger Woods

2009-12-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

1 - Tiger, Tiger.. Tiger. If you are going to cheat, pick discreet women. Not the "hostesses" of the world who are passed around like blunts at a hippie reunion.

2 - Guys: if you're thinking of cheating (and NO we do not endorse cheating over here at HLBB)...look at Tiger Wood's Christmas Card on the right and think "there but for the grace of obscurity, goes I..."

That is all,

xoxox

Hot n' Cold? Then your Game is Lukewarm...

2009-11-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

The following conversation has been paraphrased...

6 months ago

Her: I’m available…

Him: well, I got work/school/stuff/a sporting event/something

Her: Oh, I figured because we had been out a few times/dating a few months exclusively/slept together last night that you were interested?

Him: Yeah, I’m just…uhm. Busy, with stuff. I’ll call you…

Present day

Her: oh hey, what’s up?

Him: well we haven’t talked in a while…

(Her thinking: yeah, because you stopped calling)

Him: so, uh what’s up? Wanna do something? Meet up for coffee or something?

Her: well, I’m seeing someone and I don’t think he’d appreciate it…

Him: oh. Is it serious?

Her: well, it’s new but –

Him: so you wanna meet up for coffee? Because you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and I was --

Oh. Please. Stop.

I’ve heard this story time and time again from women. I have had so many versions of that conversation that I had to paraphrase, or it would gone on for days. So, guys, one of you, please tell me where it is written that the “if she’s hot for you, you must be cold to her approach” works? Or if she’s well, moved on and stopped waiting for you call, that you must start calling again because out of phone means out of mind?

WHERE is this written? Maxim’s advice column? AskMen.com? Advice passed down from the elders generation after generation? Where?

Because we need to quash this right now.

This does not achieve anything.

In a perfect world, you would’ve been ready for her when she was ready for you. But you weren’t. She wasn’t it. You had other options, she wasn’t as hot, and you were genuinely really busy with work or school or something and didn’t have time exclusively for her. Okay.

But now that you can’t have her, why must you try so hard NOW?

This does not stir up feelings like it does on TV. This frustrates women. Your midnight epiphany could be with the best of intentions, but you declare your feelings like this and we don’t generally think “oh! He’s come around!” we think “what the fuck?!?”

It’s a love game. There are no winners.

You could’ve been dating two girls at once and let this one go for the other. That’s fair. What’s not fair, is that you think the one you let go is on standby. Even if she didn’t move on to someone else and you just saw her one day and had that conversation on the corner that lasted 5 minutes where you realized she got really hot/was really a good catch after all/wasn’t trying to lock you down, you should NOT call/Facebook or email.

Women are like buses. You missed the ride on this one…so be on time for the next one or get to walking.

her lil' black book presents... Darling Nicky

2009-11-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

For those who follow me on twitter, you know my partner in crime, my "wifey" (in a non-sexual, non-kissed a girl kind of way) is Relationship Blogger Darling Nicky .

While I write stuff n' junk about dating and mating, SHE talks about relationships and the human condition. If you haven't taken one of her quizzes, you should. The insights on her blog are like getting advice from an expert...because well, she is.

We at HLBB are sometimes accused of "man bashing" which is totally not true. This site was created to give you some "tough love".

Now, Darling Nicky does not sugar coat, but her latest post "The Currency of A Man" is best described as a love letter to you guys.

If you haven't inspired a woman to extole your virtues in this manner, then I suggest you continue reading her blog (along with this one of course), follow (and take) her quizzes and then, take a good long look at yourself.

Enjoy. Because this is probably my favourite post of hers to date...and I agree with every word.

Do you like her?

2009-11-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

Conversation with one of my girls the other day:

“…he is so annoying! Disagrees with everything I say at meetings, critiques my work, tries so hard to always one-up me. But the part I don’t get is that if he hates me so much, WHY does he always have to be on my projects? So that I can make him look good?”

Me: “he likes you. Remember when you were elementary school, and a boy liked you? I mean, liked you liked you? So when you saw you, he made fun of you, pulled your hair, grabbed your bag and made mocking noises every time you spoke?”

Her: “yeah...”

Me: “I suspect that Annoying Boy, who from what you’ve told me is your equal at work and therefore doesn’t need you to look good, likes you. I mean likes you likes you.”

Her: “oh. You think?”

Me: “yeah”

Her: “but we’re not kids anymore…”

Guys, I will now ask you to pull out your wallets (no, not for money) and check your ID. Driver’s license, Health Card, Citzenship, Passport… something with your photo and your date of birth. Once you do that, check the photo. Is it you? Good. Check the year of birth. If it’s anything dated before 1997, then remind yourself of this: you are not a kid anymore…

Women figure that the “I like you so I must be a jerk to you” phase ended, oh… somewhere after grade 6. So, when you act anything like Annoying Boy from the above example, we don’t think it’s cute, we think you’re immature. Yes. Immature. It is hard to express feelings, trust me I know, but women have had enough trouble in their (adult) dating lives to try and decipher what you meant by your backhanded comments, rude behaviour or general all around jerk-ness. Mind you, there are some girls out there who love the “loves me/loves me not” thing and those girls also need to check their IDs.

If you want a girl and not a woman, then you can stop reading. If you think that manning up about your feelings means hiding them behind a veil of jerk-ness, you can stop reading. We’re separating the boys from the men in this post.

You do not want to be accused of playing head games, right? Take this short quiz:

The object of your affection shows up wearing an outfit that you would love to see on your bedroom floor. Do you:
a) make a joke about the ensemble and secretly gawk at her, memorizing the outfit and storing it in your spank bank database?
b) Say “you look…hot” and say nothing more (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?
c) Say “you’re looking really nice today…what’s the occasion?” or something like that (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?

You work with the object of your affection, and in a meeting she says something you wished you had said. Do you:
a) automatically disagree with it, just to get a rise out of her (because she’s kinda hot when she’s pissed)?
b) nod quietly and add this to the list of things you admire about her?
c) offer your own intelligent observation and then compliment her after on her comments via email or chat, somehow showing that you were paying special attention to what she was saying (in a non-creepy, non-stalker kind of way)?

The object of your affection makes contact with you (phone, text, BBM, Ping, Tweet…whatever) to ask you a yes/no question. Do you:
a) give a dumbass answer in order to prolong the conversation?
b) you decline to answer right away so that you have another shot at talking to her?
c) provide her with her answer and ensure you have a way to continue to keep the topic alive?

Results
If you answered mostly A’s – you’re Annoying Boy who sends mixed signals.
If you answered mostly B’s – awww...you’re shy. Work on getting over that a little or you’ll never get the girl.
If you answered mostly C’s – look at your girlfriend and say “I told you I was the shit…”

So, if you like her, I mean like her like her…be a good boy and man the fuck up.

Why Would You Wife Her?

2009-11-10T23:24:00.001-08:00

Oh hunny bunnies… We’ve been seeing this a lot lately. We are not amused. It’s about her, the girl you’ve tried to wife against a logic and reason. The girl you think is your dream girl…so you go after her like you’re a starving man in the desert. Instead of dating her for the moment, you start talking about a lifetime. 6 months later, a year even, you’ve turned into Al Bundy and complain relentlessly about her.

But…You’re still with her. You tell us, she’s changed, she wasn’t like that in the beginning.

Uhm…guess what? She was.

You were too blinded by the beauty, the sex, the whatever you want to call it to see the signs. But she did NOT turn into Peggy Bundy overnight. The seeds of that were planted a loooong time ago. I’m not saying people don’t change – but you can’t say you’re dating a completely different person because, if you were honest with yourself, you would’ve seen the signs you’re seeing now. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

You’re a commitment-phobe. By the end of date one, you know how many kids she wants and why getting married in her grandparents backyard is the perfect setting. Do not be surprised if she is pushing for you to make a stronger commitment (ahem, buy a ring/move in/get matching tattoos) in a year’s time…

Your princess begins to pout because you didn’t pay for dinner/pick her up/fix her dad’s car/help her babysit? Uhm, were you ALWAYS doing those things? Then that is what is expected of you! Hello?! What other precedent is she going to base it on? I firmly believe that it’s better to feel as if you’d do anything for a person, than feel as if you do everything for a person…

She doesn’t cook/keep house/do things the way you thought she would once you got married/moved in together. This is so easy to determine: look at how she was when you lived separately, because guess what? If she wasn’t like that before, she’s not turning into a domestic goddess overnight. If you expected to give a woman keys to your place and in turn she keep house for you, I hope you’ve given those keys to a maid service. It should also go without saying, but I’ll say it anyways: she’s not your mother.

“I don’t know why she wears all that makeup/weave/hair dye/high heels or spend all her time at the hairdresser/nail salons/spa”. This goes two ways: either she figures that’s how you met her, so she needs to maintain it, OR she puts that effort into herself because she wants to. How is this a problem that your girl wants to look good? So what if she’s high maintenance…is she the one maintaining it?

“She has no direction in life…” The majority of women I know don’t suddenly give up EVERYTHING in their lives because of love. So chances are, you initially loved that you could “help her out”, give advice, be there for her, etc. Now, it’s not so fun always “being there” for her. Next time, before you feed your ego, feed hers a bit; empower instead of enable, yeah?

“She doesn’t really match me intellectually”. Excuse me, but huh?

This was NOT overnight either; you may have fucked her senseless the night before, but sweetie, she did NOT wake up stupid. Lemme guess, was it that one time she just didn’t get the joke and you realized that she never really gets the joke? Or her cute emails are full of emoticons, chat speak and spelling errors? Guess what honey, the cute ran out; that’s why she doesn’t match you intellectually this morning. She never did…the cute has just run out.

“She doesn’t match me sexually” – so, she gave you head last week and now won’t go south of your solar plexus. It’s called a “job” and if you’ve ever had those days where you didn’t feel like going to work… But I’m talking about the desire, drive, interest. If you think the “job” is a fun way to have foreplay and she only really did it the beginning because she wanted to impress you…you can tell. She reluctantly went there instead of with gusto, she screwed up her face when you asked, but took a deep breath and did it anyways. That honey, is not a match! That’s a power struggle. Hopefully, you’re an expert negotiator or your birthday is coming up real soon.

Again, change does happen. I’m not denying that. I’m talking about the signs of change… or lack of. “Wifeys” share your core values, your beliefs, stimulate you outside the bedroom, give you what you need without you having to ask (and I don’t just mean sexually) Wifeys have your back, they’re not on your back. If you not sure that she’s wifey material…

She’s not.

Trey Songz - I Invented Sex

2009-11-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

Guys, I want you to study this video.

Here's your cheat sheet; write this down on the inside of your forearm if you must:

1 - anticipation (it's just as fun for you)
2 - take your time (yes, take your damn time)
3 - foreplay (that lasts longer than 4 seconds)
4 - confidence (she will think YOU invented sex)
5 - switch it up (a lot)
6 - at the 2:13 mark, freeze frame the video...that's ice. Just remember. Ice.

If she wasn't going home with you before...she will now.

That is all. Goodnight.
xoxo

Forget the "romantic" shit and try some "romance"...

2009-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Guys, when it comes to romance, you can’t just catch a fucking break. To quote Ne-Yo, you love her ‘cause she got her own…but heaven help you if you try to open a door, pay the bill at dinner, or try to fix something in her house, right? Yes, the age of Miss Independent is upon you but then, Keri Hilson says:

Diamonds a girl's best friend, if you can provide them/ I might even act a fool while you're hittin' it…

So Miss Independents are still best friends with Diamonds? What the fuck? I know hunny bunnies, it’s confusing. So, I asked the question via Twitter and email today: is romance/chivalry dead? Well…this is what they’re saying.

Via twitter: romance is probably more dead than chivalry. romance requires thought & effort…not dead but it has a bad case of the swine flu and may not recover in a lot of areas. Prognosis isn't good...And they're not gentlemanly enough these days…I don't think it’s dead. But I think women these days are too independent to always appreciate it…

Via email: It’s dead. Feminism killed it…I don’t think men know how. They think because I like sports that I can’t also like flowers…They don’t know how to be sexy/ flirty, they think 2 a.m. booty calls are sexy. They aren’t…he asked me out via text message. I never responded.

It got me wondering, in this day and age; what IS romance? How do you romance a Miss Independent who wants to go dutch on the bill, open her own doors and stresses that she wants you but doesn’t NEED you?

Well, I think it’s two little words (RELAX! I said TWO not 3 little words…):

Little Luxuries.

Put away your wallets, and take notes…it’s NOT what you’re thinking.

I was told this story today: A guy she’s been out on a few dates with learned that she liked red wine. Knowing that she had a long day at work, he asked if he could stop by for a short visit and maybe bring by a bottle of wine. She said sure… he came by with wine and some chopped logs for her fireplace. He was gonna leave…he didn’t have to.

Our technology allows us to have instant responses, but guys, connections take more time than that. Try calling before texting every once in a while and try, I dunno, leaving a voicemail? The sound of your voice to say I’ll be there in 20 minutes? Much better than the text (even if she texts like she invented the damn thing). I have watched a woman’s face light up when that name appears on the call display…

The key is that these gestures have to be genuine and cannot be something that your buddy did for his girl. Because unless you like polygamy, I’m guessing your girl is not his girl…you have to find out what works for your girl or the girl you’re interested in or the girl you want to sleep with. Whatever means to your ends.

It’s easy to quote Ne-Yo, Maxwell, Robin et all… but make a line like “you can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice” work for you? It has to be sincere, which is why women love that song. Romance is NOT a bouquet of flowers (unless she likes flowers). It’s singing her favourite slow song in her ear when no one else is around…it’s holding her hand instead of your Blackberry in public…it’s greeting her with a slow kiss hello instead of a peck on the cheek…it’s calling her at 2 p.m. to say you want to do nasty things to her instead of at 2 a.m.

This is what I’m being told guys and this is what I mean by little luxuries - she will luxuriate in these moments, these gestures...just as much as the other stuff. It’s about finding out what puts a smile on her face and consistently doing it every time…try it. Tell me how it goes.

xoxo

Kiss Kiss...Bang Bang Part 2

2009-10-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

(or...sometimes she's using you for sex)

If you read the first entry of my Kiss Kiss...Bang Bang series (which is all about sexual interactions), here's the second.

Jump-off (\ˈjəmp\ \ˈȯf\) noun.
a female who is available anytime & anyplace for any type of sexual encounter
(source: urbandictionary.com)

vs.

Butterfinger (\ˈbə-tər\ \ˈfiŋ-gər\) noun.
a male that is not considered boyfriend material but is usually available for a sexual encounter.

"It may not be Godiva...but at least it's Butterfinger..." (From Darling Nicky of darlingnicky999.com)

Yes guys, it's true, don't let the magazines fool you. There are women out there who only want to have sex with you. Whether it's the need for skin to skin contact, an ego boost, or she just can't be bothered to go out and buy batteries...you will be that guy she has in the address book under "S" (even if your name starts with "R")

Sometimes, it's your ex girlfriend, a friend, or that one girl "you hit it off with", but never got around to calling. You bump into her one day and...she doesn't dog you out or pretend that you were in a relationship. After a few moments, you start to reminisce and think "I wonder if that's still available?"

Guess what? She's wondering the same thing. You know why she didn't call/text/stalk your facebook page/BBM/tweet or Ping you? You were okay. Just okay.

She may have acted a fool, but she was acting. She may have invited you to spend the night (or stayed the night) but wasn't trying to have breakfast in the morning. But now, it's been a while since you two "hit it off" and she seems agreeable. Agreeable. Not enthusiastic. Not eager. Agreeable.

Because you know sometimes it's been a while since you've had a really good meal, but you just go to the drive through to get a happy meal? Yeah, well she's been craving Godiva, but here you are with a Butterfinger...so she took it

(Hey, be grateful you're not a butterface)

Now, if it's your ex girlfriend, it's a case of the "devil you know". She will know exactly what to expect...maybe with the added dash of hope that you've learned something in your separation (I'm assuming it was a good break up), or you were a crap boyfriend but the best damn sex she's ever had. But she doesn't want you back. This is referred to amongst women as "backsliding", "trip down memory lane", or "reduce, reuse, recycle".

If it's a friend - please please please tread lightly. My first inclination is to not head down that path at all. I've only witnessed 2 friendships come back from crossing that line. Why is she doing it? Well one of two reasons: she's hoping that sex + friendship = relationship OR that sex + friendship = friends with benefits.

Frankly, I'm always surprised when guys are surprised that women feel this way. *smacks you all upside the head* This is not exclusive to men! Women can and will call you (or wait until you call) and "hit it off" and there. She got what she wanted until the next time she wants it.

Don't take it personally boo...she's just not that into you.

How She Cheats

2009-10-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, you didn't know? Yes, sweeties...newsflash: women cheat.

(I wait until you fully absorb that)

Women cheat. Not always. Not often. Usually with a lot of guilt and anger thrown in…but women cheat.

Here's the kicker: women who cheat, do it for the same reasons men do. I know, hard to believe. I'm not talking about playing the field, or a woman celebrating her inner Samantha Jones... I'm talking about your girlfriend, your wife, your boo, stepping out on you.

Why?

Did you not read the part a sentence ago about "same reasons"? Okay. So let me be specific. Your beloved did not turn into a whore overnight. She stepped out on the relationship because she couldn't find what she wanted at home anymore. Frustrated, angry, lonely; these are all very plausible reasons. Do they sound familiar? Of course they do! But, as you might've heard...it's not always about sex. Sure, sex is the end result, (whoooo!) but it could be, oh...FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU GUYS CHEAT! Have you ever done it? Cheated? Think about why you did. Okay. Now we can continue.

If you've never cheated, bravo...ask the other dudes who have why they do it, and we can continue.

Who?

It's not always the obvious...let's get that straight right now. You know the hot guy she works with that you met that day when you picked her up because they were stuck working late? Yeah, he's not prime suspect #1. Women are more subtle than that.You know her best friend, John? The one you thought was gay until she mentioned that John and his girlfriend just broke up? He could be a possibility, but not the first choice either.

But remember that weekend? When you had that fight about quality time or some bullshit like that? When she said she just wanted to have a girl's night out with her friends? You thought "good, I'll go out with the boys, or play NBA 2K10 online"? So she put on a cute top, sexy shoes, her BFF picked her up and she was home by 2:45?

Yeah. Did you ask her how the night went?

If she complained about the bouncer, the price of drinks, assholes hitting on them at the club, you're good. If she talked about how much fun she had, how drinks were comped by the manager, she met some new friends...well then you're okay. Because those lines of communication are open. Your girl got mad, went out and had a few drinks, blew off some steam and had some fun without your ass.

By the way - if she complains about men in any way to you...it's NOT to make you jealous...it's her way of saying "I'm happy I'm with you and not out there fending off these fools week after week".

But, if you get one of the following: "fine", "it was okay", "we had a good time"...she's not telling you something. Maybe that she received and enjoyed the attention of another man. What happens next is entirely up to her. She might've just danced and flirted with a guy or three. She might've had a drink or two purchased for her...how that falls on your personal "cheating/not cheating" scale varies. But she could've very well met someone she's going to put in her "back pocket".

The Back Pocket...that's what I call him. I had a girlfriend who had an on/off thing for two years with her boyfriend. They would fight, she'd call me up and instead of being my wingman, I ended up being hers (she’d leave the ring at home). She accepts the number, they talk...he texts the next day...she responds. They become "friends". She has now put him in her back pocket, just in case. Funny thing is, the last time she did this, the guy and I became friends and she and I no longer speak. I've never had the heart to tell him the girl he was hung up on just kept him in her back pocket until her boyfriend started to act right...

Her boyfriend's problem? Complacency and the inability to communicate.

If you've been complacent and figure "women don't cheat"? She is getting away with it. If you suspect something is up and don't say shit, then she is getting away with it right now. I'm not saying every guy she calls a friend is in her back pocket (and that includes John the not so gay guy) and you shouldn't treat them as such. Stepping to your potential threat is a bad tactical move. If you're wrong, you're screwed. If you're right? You will never get the truth.

How?

Women are MUCH better at the alibi and this is where you guys get cuckolded. If she is going to cheat on you, she'll do it up right. Her back up (a trusted friend) will call to make "plans", pick her up, and if you were to call that friend the next day - the story would be corroborated to the finest detail…without sounding rehearsed. How? We learned how to do this when we had to sneak out of our houses as horny teenaged girls. The code of silence with women is better than corrupt cops, MI5 or the FBI - you will not find out until after the relationship is dead and the file's released.

When?

Again. Not the obvious. She comes home late after a long night of work...she was working late. Mr. Back Pocket is a lunchtime thing, a late-night text or phone call, emails and chat messages (what we now call "emotional cheating"). If she has gone to the next step, then there will be "sleepovers" at the trusted friend’s house, calls from the other room...etc. If you've noticed a pattern of behaviour yet, you're right: women cheat the same way men do - just better. She may have never played Texas Hold 'Em, but her poker face is perfect. Deflection? She will throw in your face the same reasons she's cheating on you without ever admitting to cheating on you. Her accomplice may not be the best friend, so you can’t look there, because we can develop a network of trusted girls with a few sentences. All we have to do is paint you in a bad light and voila, justifiable relationship homicide.

NOT all women cheat (I don’t, so don’t shoot the messenger) but we all know how. How cheating women get away with it? You’re afraid to “pussy out” and ask. You think that by being vulnerable or opening that door that you’re being weak. You’re being stupid and that’s what she’s counting on. That YOU think that by asking how the relationship is going that you’re a punk.

Well, when I ask about her day or her night out, she accuses me of checking up on her! Yeah, if you ask about her life away from you when you think she’s getting away from you. Duh. All of a sudden you’re interested in what we did when previously you zoned out? Thanks for the head’s up…

Disclosure: I had a boyfriend a few years back who hated club and I love(d) dancing. I would go out with my girls and be home well before sunrise. I’d crawl into bed and he’d say (with a smirk) “how many tried to hit on you tonight?” If there were none, I’d say none. If there was any, I’d tell him. He in turn didn’t have to lie when he was going to strip club. We were good. One night, we had a screaming fight. I already had plans and went out. I came home just as the sky was getting light. He was awake…because he wanted to make sure I came home. He wasn’t going to sleep on that situation…

Guys, don’t sleep on the situation. Address it, keep communication open. Because if you don’t, she’s gonna reach in her back pocket…

Agree or Disagree?

2009-10-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

I know what my opinions are on this but:

A little over 33 minutes is the average length of the average sex session, including foreplay.

source

Agree or Disagree? Post your responses below...

Urban Male Myths...

2009-10-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

Just read this on Twitter:

@ShottaDru: Anything that bleeds 7days and dont die cant b trusted RT @ItsGigi2u: @SmoovYMF @DJKDawgRD @ShottaDru WE DON'T TRUST YA'LL!!!

I've heard this joke made many times before about women. My first (snarky) inclination is to respond: anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die is bloody invincible. I'd like to see your punk ass try it for one month.

But, ladies, we all know the reason behind this assertion: these folks have trust issues. Those cannot be fixed without the aid of a licensed therapist...

Moving on...

Don't Try This at Home...

2009-10-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Okay.

So Pepsi came out with an app that supposedly helps you score with women. Done in jest to promote their AMP'd energy drink - it has become a the lastest viral "fail" - see for yourself:

First, someone comes out with a Girlfriend Manager (to which I still want to build my response: The Amazing Boyfriend Manager), and now this?

Guys, if you need a hand held device to score or keep a woman (or women in this case)... you need some confidence lessons. You need a date doctor. You need a wingwoman (I feel we're better at it than wingmen)and if you still think a hand held is going to help you be a player, the only thing you're going to be holding in your hand is your... (yeah, that)

p.s. I did download the Pepsi App...it's actually funny (but in a in poor taste kind of way). The one type of woman it doesn't have in all it's profiles? A REAL ONE.

Is Age REALLY Nothing but a Number?

2009-10-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Age ain't nothing but a number, throwing down ain't nothing but a thing..."

If you're a guy who doesn't know who sang that lyric, or the significance of the producer behind it... keep reading.

One of my girlfriends is a few years younger than me, and in the times we've gone out, I tend to get hit on by younger guys. But that's what I get for a: going to clubs where the only people my age are the management and b: because I still get carded when buying liquor. She jokes that I should become a Puma, but then I looked up the definitions and well, uhm.

If you've been reading regularly (yes, you are, right?!?!), you know about Charlie Brown and why I cannot even think of dating a man younger than me. I keep joking that with my dating track record, I'm destined to be a Cougar (7 more years!)... so it got me thinking: are there any other aspiring Cougars in my peer group? Where are the Pumas?

**crickets**

Sorry BOYS. Yes, boys. I polled friends, and the ladies on Twitter and the news is NOT in your favour:

"I've dated younger and I couldn't deal w/ certain levels of immaturity..."

"Started flirting with this guy in a bar once, turns out I babysat him 10 years ago. Damn those growth spurts..."

" yes I have and I probably won't again."

"Are you considering it again? What happened to the whole "it felt like having a puppy" thing?" (email from a friend...and yes, I did say that)

"yes, and it was quite challenging"

"Experience (as I've learned) is worth more to me than good s-e-x, a fancy education, & looks. The young cats don't have it"

"I thought 'as long as he's legal, cool'...but I couldn't have a decent conversation with him."

"...he asked if I was on the pill, and I when I said no, I use the ring, he thought it was like the withdrawl method..."

"and so far, one point of praise:

"old men are set in their ways, youts are more flexible -tee hee"

Mind you, two of my girlfriends are married (with children and houses and stuff) to men who are a year or two younger...but I think that's as far as it goes. Are we saying that May/September relationships work in reality? Or is Nick Cannon a lucky fucker? I'm gonna go with option B on this one.

What you lack in experience, social graces, sexual technique, and the ability to be able to bring more than a 6 pack of Heineken to a BYOB party... you make up for in enthusiasm. Guess what? She is frustrated - and more than just sexually.

She is emotionally frustrated. She has reached a level in her life where she's got money for both a new pair of shoes AND her phone bill. She cut her hair off, because short hair looks better on her, she's more adventurous in the bed (or the car, the kitchen, the elevator...) because she's not worried about being labelled a slut and she knows that it's okay for her to take control, speak her mind and walk with the swagger that she's earned.

So, she turns to the unmarried/unattached, childless straight men in her peer group and ta-dah!!

**crickets**

They're dating the girls who just turned legal, because after a long day at work, he doesn't feel like being challenged (I'm quoting a friend here - don't shoot the messenger). Or, they're not quite ready for marriage or commitment or kids, which is what women coming up on (or past) 30 are looking for apparently; they just want to have fun. So...after a few years of dating guys who have fallen off their game, don't have phone conversations that last more than 2 minutes, who think that 10 minutes of sex 4 nights a week is a perfectly okay sex life, who'd rather just wait until the movie comes out on DVD... the Puma is created.

Enter you. (figuratively speaking)

BUT, she's just not that into you.

WTF?

You call, she's non-committal. You haven't met her friends - except for that one who was with her the night you met. She corrects your grammar, giggles when you don't know the difference between Argentinan and South African wines or thinks it's cute when you don't get one of her pop culture or song references. You try to make plans for the weekend and she's not sure because she may have to catch up on work (again). She has no Facebook status - fuck it, she doesn't even have Facebook anymore because it was a "time waster"! She thinks your friends' girlfriends are "sweet, really." Again, WTF?

Why is she with you then? Well I mean besides the obvious…and this is where that enthusiasm is a big bonus. But now you feel like you really like her. You ADMIRE all that's she's accomplished, you think she's more intelligent, sexy, and funnier than the girls your age but you can't take it to the next level. What's up? What are you doing wrong?

It’s not what you’ve done wrong, it’s what you have’t done yet. – well that’s my theory.

We're going to go and get some answers for you. Stay tuned...in the meantime, post comments below...

Before The Devil Knows Your Number...

2009-10-05T18:36:00.001-07:00

(or how not to use the "unique" approach in order to pick up women)

Well, I've told you about The Gimp and the Pussy Predator I now need tell you about our dance with The Devil. Lucifer approached us as we were standing outside and extended my hand as if to shake it. This was off-putting for some reason, because he didn't say anything, he just stuck out his hand. No smile (well, a little smile), no hello...he just stuck out his hand. I just looked at it. He then turned 30 degrees and without saying anything, offered the hand to Girlfriend #1...she too looked at it. My Friendly Girlfriend was the last person to be offered the hand and she was nice.Thus spake The Devil:

"Hello. I want to become friends with you ladies. How do I do that?"

Girlfriend #1 and I are still staring blankly at him. Trying to figure out his angle, we waited. Thus spake The Devil again:

"My name is 'Luke'. You look nice, and you look nice, and you look nice. I want to be friends. Do you ladies live in Toronto?"

Well, I do, Girlfriend #1 and the Nice Girlfriend don't. He then clarifies that for him, "Toronto" includes not only the GTA, but the surrounding suburbs. The Nice Girlfriend says "so...basically for you,'Toronto' means 'Ontario'...but I take it you're not from Toronto?" (The Devil has an accent) He says:

"No, I am from Heruuul" (damn accent)

We all lean in and ask him to repeat himself.

"HERULL"

What now?

"H-E-L-L. Hell. So will you ladies give me your number so that I can call you and we can become friends?"

Yeah. Just like that. All three of us physically reel back.

Me: "like, seriously? You mean you're from Hell, Alberta? I know that there is a city called Hell somewhere, but..." (NB: It's actually in Michigan)

Him: "No. May I have your numbers?"

Okay, so he's dressed in a blazer (with a pocket square), speaks very formal, has an accent and just said he was from HELL. No explanation, no back story. The last time a guy ever said he was from Hell when he introduced himself to a bunch of women was This Guy.I'm just saying.

Him: "So can you ladies give me advice on how to make friends?"

Me: "you're asking the wrong person man, I'm not nice"

He persists in asking for advice and Girlfriend #1 and I agree that he should befriend friendly people (which we weren't).

Me: "So, Luke is like short for Lucifer?"

Him: "Why are you on this "Lucifer" thing?"

Listen bud, I remember some of the stories before I was kicked out of Sunday School. Don't try to distract me with mind games!

Me: DUDE! You said you were from HELL and you're wondering why I'm asking if you're Lucifer?!?

He makes fun of my outburst and then says, "so, is that it?"

Girlfriend #1: "girl, you need to blog this..."

Nice Girlfriend: "yes, and call it 'I'm in HELL right now'..."

Him: "that is it then."

Yes, Lucifer.That's it. You have failed. What was the moral of the story here? If you're going to go for the "unique" open...SMFH. I have no idea what to say to this! If you are going to try to unique open, be unique...NOT scary. The Jack the Ripper approach is not one to even attempt on Halloween.

Lucifer walked away in defeat and headed West. Or so we thought. A few guys who had been listening to the exchange spoke up to tease us (thanks...). They then point out that Lucifer has headed off defeated. To the East. Wait, we saw him go West. The 3 bandidas look West and...he's not there. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone...

Me: "does anyone else smell fire and brimstone?!?!"

Later, Lucifer came back into the club and slipped Girlfriend #1 his number. With a shake of her head, he was dismissed and no, his number was not 416-666-6666. We left the number sitting in the club. I took a picture of it... I may give it to the next person who asks me if I've heard the good word or something. We know who saves souls, who is going to save his game?

Guys - I want to know how you would've done this better...post your responses below!

Do Not Try This at Home...

2009-10-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously?

1. You know how many women probably said "no"?
2. I bet most of the yes's only said yes because it was on camera...

The Gimp - Why "Aw Shucks" doesn't work...

2009-10-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

You may want to start with the previous post - The Pussy Predator, as he was friends with The Gimp. While the Predator preyed, The Gimp hobbled along on his crutches, literally. I was confused as to why he would attempt this; it's dangerous to walk on wooden floors with heels (one spilled drink...), why he would attempt it in cast and two crutches, I couldn't tell you. Unless...?

Nah. He wouldn't use it to pick up women as a conversation starter? Would he?

I had to ask. He explained that he was genuinely injured, but that the added bonus was that it was a great conversation starter...in the sense that he didn't have to start conversations. Ooops. Thanks for the announcement that you prefer the passive aggressive approach. Since I had approached him, I couldn't fault his logic. So, I asked "what do you tell them? Saving kittens? Kids from a burning building?"

Him: "yeah! Or I say that I injured it auditioning for reality show about ultimate fighting..."

Nice!

Oh, wait.

Him: (continued) .... "but once they see the body it's obviously a lie."

No, he wasn't a slob. Average actually. The kind of body that knows how to kick a ball or throw a jump shot, but isn't in a league. So why would you ruin the joke with self-deprecation? Oh honey. Work on that self esteem. You already have crutches, don't use the psychological ones.

The "aww shucks" is a definite psychological crutch. I don't really like the "awww shucks" approach, becasuse it's like setting yourself up for failure. You know you're an okay looking guy, but you gotta say that you're no hunk. You went to school, but you're not a genius. You have a little rhythm but you wouldn't make it on to So You Think You Can Dance... okay okay okay! We get it. Dude, we're not Hollywood actresses, models, nuclear scientists or ballerienas. Even if we ARE any of those things, we are talking to you. Don't. Fuck.It. Up.

So, let's re-write history:

"yeah! Or I say that I injured it auditioning for reality show about ultimate fighting..."

A) "...and then Georges St. Pierre sucker punched me."

She doesn't need to know who he is...you just need to show that YOU know what you're talking about. If she does know that he's the current welterweight champion... score!

or

B) "...and then I tripped doing my victory dance"

Sense of humour, shows you know you're joking...

or

C) "...and then I realized, I'm a better lover than a fighter"

Cheesy yes, but delivered the right way...exaggerated wink, a laugh, or if you're feeling really confident, a sexy smile - can make you a contender.

Later on, he did fall...it was expected.His friend, the Pussy Predator and another guy picked him up off the floor. The Predator then went off in search of another girl and The Gimp made his way to a couch near me. I felt bad for him as he removed his walking cast and I offered an Advil (yes, I walk with painkillers, just call me House). He declined, explained that he had a couple of drinks (so he can't mix- good for him), he was expecting to fall and invited me to sit down. So I did. Like I said, he wasn't a creep, a Freak, or a Cockroach. But when I sat down, he proceeded to detail his injuries...fascinating yes, but it's a bloody nightclub. Why are we having a serious discussion when we have to shout? Get the number, invite her for coffee and explain the injury...see?

Of course, there was another self-deprecating comment. Oh honey.

Now, I was tweeting throughout the night, so he thought it would be a good idea to tease me about being a "crackberry addict" and would say "you need to put that down!" Each time he did this, it was when I was by myself and standing off to the sidelines. The 5th and last time he did it, I was actually checking the time, but I just looked at him and said "yeah, but it's an iPhone."

His response? "Oh, I'm not really up on the technology thing"

Okay. That's cool. A lot of people aren't. But if she's holding an iPhone, chances are she's a gadget girl. Someone who likes technology (otherwise, she'd still have a StarTac) DON'T do that...don't talk about how you're not interested in something she is interested in right off the bat. Do you see me walking into a sports bar on a Monday night saying "I don't get football" ? No, because if I wanted to get a guy interested in what else I have to offer, I wouldn't start off by with the stuff we differ on.

Well, I'm not saying that The Gimp was the light of my life or love at first sight, but if he had a better sense of self esteem, he could do so much better. He wasn't a Gimp because he had a busted leg, he was a Gimp because he let his insecurities cripple his game...

Here's to a speedy recovery.

The Pussy Predator - a.k.a. How NOT to hit on multiple women in a club...

2009-10-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, this is a doozy. If I wasn't there, I would've thought this was made up...out again last night with two of my girls and if you've been following, then you know that this can only go one way.

Picture this: we were at a club called Tokia for a party called Electric Youth. Toika is a small venue; you can easily scan 95% of the room from one spot. Great for intimate parties, a good time, specialty events, but NOT for what the Pussy Predator did:

The Pussy Predator started on his game as soon as he walked in the door, spotting me and my girls at the entrance, he started to throw out compliments and lines as he walked past. I don't know what he said to me, because he actually said it to my breasts. A few minutes later, we were all on the dance floor and right away he went in on my girl. Now, she's nice. Friendly. I'm not. So, for her, if someone says hi, compliments her dancing and dances with her, her attitude is "hey it's a party, we're here to have fun, why do I need to be a bitch?". Me? I don't have an off switch for the bitch.

Remember the sign at the zoo that says "don't feed the animals"? This is what I consider to be feeding the animal. With the Pussy Predator, the slightest smile or gesture is automatically interpreted as a green light. Guys, it is the Pussy Predators of the world that ruin it for you when you try to genuinely approach a girl.

He chatted up my girl...bought her a shot...essentially lined up his prey. BUT why he's just a Predator and not a Player is that he spent no time reading the room, or any signals from my girl. Had he stopped to pay attention, he wouldn't have bothered. He ignored the Mother Hen (me), Miss Disinterested (my other girl) and thought that after 30 seconds of convo, that he had built up a rapport with my girl. Way to go Pedro... You have no game and I now know you suck at foreplay...

When he finally realized that he didn't have a chance...he moved on. To a girl a few feet away. Uhm...dude? Mr. Pussy Predator? WE CAN STILL SEE YOU!!

When that failed, he moved on to another girl: me.

Let me repeat that.

When that failed, he moved on to another girl: me. FAIL FAIL FAIL. Never approach the Mother Hen! Now, you may be thinking that he was trying to butter me up (as he should've been doing) but no, full on with the lines and comments about how I look. I'm guessing he recognized my boobs from 1o minutes ago...

Off he went to the girl across the room, remember: the room is only about 50 steps wide. So I saw that attempt

Then back to the girl at the bar...back to my girl....back to me...over to another girl who was friends with the girl across the room...and on and on. Then, after the photographer took his photo, he tried to dance and chat her up too.

Sigh. But always back to square one. My girl goes outside for a smoke, he's there. She comes inside, he's there. After attempting, and failing to dancing with her, a couple of times, he saw me...yay.

I wear glasses so when I'm dancing, I periodically take them off. So when he saw me, he saw I had no glasses on this time. He asked what happened to them and I held them up, confused. Frankly, I was surprised that he noticed my glasses (I didn't think he was looking that high) He leaned in and said:

"They look good. They're sexy. (dramatic pause, smile) Put 'em on."

Okay, so I'm supposed to oblige to what was a creepy request because...? Your lip is curled in an attempt to look sexy, you made a declaration instead of a request in an effort to sound authorative, and about a minute ago you were trying to whisper in my girl's ear and about 3 minutes before that, you had a girl pressed up against the wall?

Remember, it's a small club... WE CAN ALL SEE YOU!!

It's the law of averages, I understand. The more you hit on, the better your chances. I get it. BUT this only works in a large spaced out venue. When every girl you hit on can see you hit on other girls...you fail. I mean literally every single girl. Probabaly didn't get the names of any of them. He left with his friends and I didn't see him say goodnight to any of his prey...I witnessed him dance, chat up, etc with about 8-10 girls, but leave with his boys.

Guys, if your prey is only the pussy...cool. Just pick a bigger pool to choose from.

About Pussy Predators in general: they are ruining it for everyone else. Girls get the Pussy Predator so many times that when a guy who is really looking to meet her, he get shot down because all she can hear is "I want the pussy!" As my boy D put it when I told him the story, he could ask a girl if she knows where the bathroom is and her response has been "I got a man." He asked where the bathroom was, she heard "I want the pussy!" You know what Pussy Predators get? They get 3 a.m. Girls.

If you are acting like a Predator, read this again and see where you've failed. If you know a Predator, send him the link. He's ruining your game.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

2009-09-29T19:51:00.001-07:00

(or how to properly handle a hook up...)

This has come up a lot lately - heh.

But first, what might be for some a minor or major revelation: not every woman NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to have sex. Women are capable of flings, one night stands, encounters, fuck buddy-ism, or as my (way too young) friend Charlie Brown calls it "communications". Yes. You don't have to wife her in order to fuck her. BUT there is a way to handle it with grace:

1 - be honest about what it is from the start, even if you think she doesn't want to hear it. My gawd, I'm so sick of hearing/reading the advice that men give to each other about lying. You know what makes a girl a crazy bitch? Lying. When we find out you've lied, it makes it MUCH MUCH worse than what you were trying to cover up.

For instance: the story goes that we were "seeing" each other. He sat me down and had the talk and it went like this: It's fun being with you, but I just got out of a relationship, I can't be in a relationship right now...so I just want to make sure you're not expecting anything more... blah blah blah..." Me: great, because I don't want a relationship either. Glad to see we're on the same page...now take off your clothes."

Three days later, he introduced me to one of his friends as his girlfriend. Oh and on the same day, said he had to stop at his sister's house. Where we stayed for dinner. Oh did I mention it was Good Friday? Yeah...which leads to:

2 - don't give mixed signals. Yes, he got cussed for the above and was called on it. Speaking of mixed signals...

3 - if she says she's a relationship type but is cool with the "arrangement", end it. She's the relationship type and is NOT okay with the arrangement. Do not try to justify it after by saying "you knew what this was..." Because here's another revelation: women are capable of lying. How do you find out whether or not she's the relationship type? Well...

4 - talk about how you're feeling about relationships from the beginning and remember 1 and 2 - be honest. No mixed signals. A mixed signal would be to ask her how she feels about relationships. She could misread this as "how do you feel about a relationship with me?". Instead, say "I'm into having fun right now...I don't want anything serious...blah blah" and MEAN it. Because I know you are screaming at the monitor "but that's what I said!". AGAIN: mean it! No more of this bullshit "I could be in a relationship with you, but not right now..." if she is relationship material for you, don't treat her like a jumpoff. Talk about sex, talk about TV. Don't talk about your childhood, don't ask about hers. Basically, don't involve her in your life and don't involve yourself in hers!

Don't ask about her family. Don't ask about her friends. Don't offer advice when she comes to you with a problem. Don't spend the night. Don't cuddle.

This is sex. NOT a relationship.

Do give her advance notice by at least a few hours (she may have to wax/shave).
Do bring the party favours (I mean condoms, not toys).
Do be considerate of her needs...yes, you've finished, so she gets to as well...
Do be a friend and not an asshole - you know, be complimentary, she did something great, thank her, make sure she gets home okay
Do remember 1 and 2 at all times.... so when she's giving it to you so good you want to cry and she asks what you're doing in a month because she needs a date to a wedding...say no.

Will this make you popular with her? NO. Will she call you an asshole? Probably. Will she badmouth you to her friends? YES... but when she describes what you said and how you acted and her trusted BFF realizes that you were honest at all times: I'll -- I mean, her BFF will look at her and say "but he told you that he didn't want a relationship!"

When you see her on the street (because let's face it, how often are you going to go out?) don't ignore her! You're with people? Introduce her as your friend. No intonation, no winks, no "special friend". Just "my friend ____________" You know you're going to tell your boys you hit it after, but remember, be a friend and avoid making her feel like she's a party favour when she's standing in front of you.

Speaking of friends...if you've been friends for a while, and I mean like years...but nothing ever happened? It won't. Don't call her up after years of friendship and try to turn your friend into a "buddy". You can turn a friend into a girlfriend, but you cannot turn her into a buddy. The mere suggestion of it after years of friendship degrades the friendship, and insults her. As for the buddy, keep in touch for as long as you want to sleep with her. Don't have long intimate conversations that last for 5 hours (that's a mixed signal) actually, if you can talk to her for 5 hours...she's not a jumpoff.

And if you meet someone that you like and feel like you could date this girl? Don't call the "buddy" when you feel like getting some. Oh, you KNOW that happens. My boy decided to respect the wishes of the girl he liked and waited about a month...but was getting it every week from the "buddy". You do that, and you risk the wrath of two crazy bitches...

Need to know some post-fling protocol? Stay tuned....

p.s. I didn't know what to name this first (of many) posts on this subject and then the lovely and talented Nebby Neb of the Segment tweeted (for unrelated reasons) the words "kiss kiss, bang bang". Thanks sweetie!

I'm confused....

2009-09-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

My first instinct is to call her a 3 a.m. Girl...but she has some cool retorts to bad pickup lines. One you get past the valley girl tripping on E voice...

The Bad Advice That Men Share...

2009-09-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

As seen on Twitter

COME ON! - Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question: How do I look? Men lie lie lie...

He then retweeted my response:

MEN - RT @herlilblackbook: NO, do not lie lie lie! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Frame the truth delicately if you have to be negative...

Do you need advice on how to break not so great news? Email me: rsvp@herlilblackbook.com

Of Freaks and Cockroaches

2009-09-27T19:55:00.001-07:00

Okay, this post took about a week to compose. Because I was involved, I wanted to make sure that I was being objective, critical without being bitchy and well...okay, on to the story:

Out with my girl @darlingnicky999 for some fun and frivolity, which we had a lot of (heh). As any good night in Toronto should end, we went for the customary late night/early morning Chinese. We sat down and ordered and...in walked The Freak and the Cockroach. The Freak made a beeline for the table and started to flirt with my girl. For the first, erm 2 minutes, he was funny and charming. And then he ran out of material...started in on about his fetishes and just got creepy. My girl remained polite while he talked, and I tuned out as soon as he asked me my least favourite question "what's your background?". I hate it because a: it's not that big a mystery, b: I usually get asked it in the first 5 minutes of meeting an (annoying) person and I find that to be too personal a question and c: it's usually asked when it's not relevant. When I countered with my favourite answer, "guess." he proceeded to get his back up - if you've ever seen someone with multiple personalities switch...yeah.

His response: "look, I'm older than 35 years and I don't like to play games..."

Alrighty then. Don't ask game playing questions then.

Oh, yeah. The Cockroach. While The Freak is trying his best to get in with my girl, the Cockroach sat alone at their table sulking. He was hungry, tired, drunk and he was waiting for his boy before ordering. What did The Freak say "order me some soup!"

Okay: guys, when we see you treat your friends with such disregard - you fail. You want to impress a girl? Suggest a group meal...at that hour of the day, everyone is in high spirits. Wouldn't be so wrong.

Our waiter comes over and whispers to me "he's bad news! Tell your friend not to bother with this guy!"

Okay: guys, when the WAITER knows your modus operandi, FIND A NEW LATE NIGHT RESTAURANT!

Then, The Freak gets up to go to the bathroom, The Cockroach comes over and asks my friend point blank if she finds his friend attractive. She demurs (she hasn't made up her mind what she thinks of this dude), but The Cockroach persists and says "it's a yes or no answer". So she says no. Oh, did I mention that before she answered, The Cockroach called The Freak an asshole?

Okay: GUYS! MAKE SURE YOUR WINGMAN ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES YOU!!

Then, The Cockroach turns on me. I have spent this entire time watching and not saying much. So what possessed him to ask me if I found HIM attractive? I don't think he is, but what am I supposed to say?

Me: well, you're not my type (translation: I wouldn't fuck you)...but that's just me, I don't like guys with hair.

Him: well, I need a haircut, and I'm not properly groomed...need to shave...

Me: no, it looks good but --

Him: don't tell me that it looks good when I know it doesn't!

Me: oooookay. Well, I'm not an expert at men's barbering --

He then proceeded to talk to me about false compliments as a psychological thing and that I was trying to deflect from larger issues blah blah blah "I studied psychology" was his ending...

WHAT?!?!

Guys: if the compliment is given, don't throw it back in her face. Okay, I won't fuck you, but I'm trying to NOT hurt your feelings.

After he dismisses me, leaving me stunned, he turns to my girl and calls her Rosita...because she has a flower in her hair. SHE's confused, because she can't figure why he's calling her that.

Me: it's not a rose...?

Him: (to my girl) See? Because I CORRECTED her just now, she feels the need to contradict everything I say from this point forward in order to feel better---

Me: but it's not a rose?!

Him: she just wants to prove a point.

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it anymore. I also made a vow that from this point forward, I will hand my card to guys like this.

Him: that's a fake laugh to cover up your discomfort. It's a defensive laugh.

Okay you Napoleonic motherfucker... Read the lessons above, because the next time we cross paths, I will have no choice but to stand up (because my 5'3.75 ass is taller than you) and step on you like, a Cockroach.The Freak comes back, The Cockroach returns to the table to eat what he's ordered, and we want to get the cheque ASAP.

The cheque arrives and, we've been charged for items that we didn't order. We start to signal the waiter and The Freak shouts out across THE FUCKING RESTAURANT "YO! MY BOY! COME HERE!" This is mortifying. It's 4 a.m., everyone is staring and my girl and I want to crawl under the table.

Guys: how many times do we have to say this? If you act like an asshole around service people, we know that's how you really are!?!? It's not a good look.

And here is the FML moment. It turns out we have friends in common with these two...which means we will bump into them again (and we have). What does this say about them? What does this say about our friends? This part still boggles the mind a week later...but that's not for today's lesson. Because we've already revealed that we have people in common, both The Freak and the Cockroach think they have an "in". They don't. Telling me to tell a friend of ours that you say "hi" 5 times in 5 minutes tells me that a: you're drunk and b:you're trying too hard.

Guys, you are not judged by the scope of your contacts but the way you carry yourself. Read the bold text above for the short answers... how is it said? Oh yes: epic fail.

Want to know what she's really thinking?

2009-09-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hahaha...

From the gang at heavy.com

The Gatekeeper aka the Cockblock (Part 1)

2009-09-07T21:03:00.001-07:00

Okay fellas, video coming up to support this, but today I wanted to write about the “Gatekeepers”…

Ooops, let me refer to them the way you’re used to: cockblockers. You go out to a club, you start to talk to the girl and her girl swoops in, interrupts or literally drags her away. And you’re left standing there thinking WTF? Or, your GF has that ONE friend who gives you the screwiest of the screw faces every time she sees you, barely utters a hello and even though you’ve been together for YEARS, she has no love for your whatsoever. You could give this girl a kidney and she’d still refer to you as “whatshisname”.

Here’s my theory as to why they exist:

The Gatekeeper of the Club – standards and practices

When a guy chooses a wingman for the club, it’s to facilitate his success. You know, he may want to find a meaningful relationship that lasts for a week or so, and his boy will help him find that minute mate. When a girl chooses a wingwoman, she is there to ensure success.

The difference?

The girl is a hell of lot more choosy. If she knows her girl isn’t attracted to men shorter than her, she will veto – yes, even if the guy is a great guy (sorry). You’re drunk? She will intercept any pass. You’re doing the stanky leg? Yeah, she will make sure both your stank legs walk home alone and numberless.

YES. There are the crab bucket girls who will be jealous and intercept because she thought you were coming for her, but I have found that 80% of the time, she is protecting her girl from making the wrong choice. If I’ve said this a million times before, I will say it again right now:

You have one chance to make that first impression.

I’m NOT talking about impressing the object of your attention.

If you have started talking to her and she’s talking back. She’s interested. If she smiles (with her eyes)or laughs, she’s interested, if she looks in your eyes while talking, she’s interested. If you say something and she leans in, she’s interested. If she sticks her tongue in your ear while dancing, you’re getting some at some point.

But if the Gatekeeper comes over and says: “We need to go…” or, “I’ve been looking for you!” or,“that pussy is mine!”? It’s likely because the object of your attention has done none of the above, her girl has read her body language (which you have failed to do) and is coming in for the block. We have subtle distress signals that we send out…sometimes even a female stranger will come in and gatekeep if she sees the signal(s). Now, I’ve seen men give the advice that in these situations, you need to deflect the Gatekeeper. Ever wonder why that didn’t work out? Because it was wrong…all you need to do is demonstrate to her that you are not a serial killer, sociopath or asshole (and if you did the stanky leg, that you’re really a better dancer than that). How do you do this?

Be nice to the Gatekeeper – don’t flirt with her or blow smoke up her ass. If it’s not genuine, they’ll put an electric field on that gate.

Continue to make the object of your attention a priority, but don’t try to ignore the Gatekeeper. If she sees that there is genuine mutual interest, she will leave you alone.

Do NOT employ your wingman to intercept. Bad. Bad. Bad. WE all know what a wingman is and their purpose is…she will still be watching and waiting for the signal.

Okay. You’ve succeeded, you got past the gate. Congrats. Don’t. Fuck. It. Up.

Twitter - Follow Friday

2009-09-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

This was my Follow Friday list - if you didn't make it, it's because I need to save something for next week...xoxox

@focuseddiva - hilarious…sneaky and when she's on after 11 p.m. a little bit naughty

@darlingnicky999 - real, honest and hilarious

@heyhomee - he's a little bit odd…okay, he's a lot odd....

@nebbyneb - have you read "The Segment"? yeah you should

@maxfab - her blog is required daily reading…she writes what I think (she's psychic)

@bennybing - WARNING: not for the faint of heart or the stupid

@firstladyd - doing big things…and still has time to tweet

@kaysunmusic - because she genuinely enjoys eating healthy food and will tweet about it

@roshine - he has self esteem issues...

@toflo - chinese waiters…3 a.m… 'nuff said (snap to it!)

@johnnyofliveagl - WHOOMP!

@alexofliveagl - THERE IT IS!!

@readbeanpie - he's a Yankee…so his spelling is a bit off

@camerontilbury - because he's a Brit (sort of) and his spelling's impeccable

@wontonfm - mmm…food…

@__melissa - because she loves CUPCAKES!

@iamrilla - have you seen these photos??

@djlissamonet - I dance to whatever she spins…she could spin dinner plates and it'd be cool

@4StaceyStar - hear she knows how to throw a good party

@mspaigemusic - have you heard her sing??

@jahvon - talented MC and too damn adorable

@cocolowecoco and @lowecocolowe - these ladies also know how to throw a good party…

@miss_tee and @emti - you MUST follow the dialogue between these two - hilarious

@creamworldmag - just follow, you'll see...

@mistavybe - did someone say soca?

Random Tip

2009-08-31T11:05:00.001-07:00

Never offer to treat a woman like a Princess if she's already the Queen of her kingdom...

xoxo

Because it happened to me...

2009-08-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

Okay...I'm going to rant because I'm really really tired...and angry.And it's moments like this that I think that HLBB actually serves a purpose.

Interior. Night. My apartment.

Phone rings and a familiar number to The Girl shows up on the display. It's the number of Stupid Fuck. She's surprised, because she hasn't heard from Stupid Fuck in about 3 months.

The Girl
Hello?

Stupid Fuck
(false enthusiasm) Hey honey, what's up?

The Girl
Not much. Just got in from work. You?

Stupid Fuck
(laughs) All work and no play...

The Girl
Yeah. But I had to get it done. I'm a mess though. Giant bruises everywhere from boxes falling on me and shit. But, whatever. It's done and I'm about to hop in the shower and wash the day away.

Stupid Fuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Hitting up a club or something?

The Girl
No. Too beat up and tired. It's shower, snack, maybe a drink and then bed. It's been a rough couple of days.

Stupid Fuck
Aw, that's it? You maybe wanna call me after the shower?
Maybe we could (pauses) hang out...?

Girl looks at phone with an incredulous expression because she can't believe what's she's hearing.

The Girl
(sarcastic tone) Seriously? I just told you that I had a rough couple of days and you're asking me to (pauses and takes a deep breath) "hang out"?

Stupid Fuck
Well, it's been a while since we talked...I thought...

The Girl
Yeah. Well. I gotta go (pauses) and (pauses) yeah, I wont be calling back. Ever.

Disclosure:no. I hadn't slept with Stupid Fuck. Thought about it once, but then he didn't call for three fucking months.

I will now never think of him again.

Guys: if a girl you're interested in has had a bad day...they don't need your shoulder to cry on, they don't even really want to talk to you about it. They just want the day to go away.

Now,IF he had offered the slightest bit of kindness...a kind word of encouragement, cracked a joke, offered to bring me some goddamned food for fuck's sake, I wouldn't be calling him a Stupid Fuck right now and blasting him on this blog. So, if you've ever tried this (douchebag) move and wondered why she didn't call you back or answer your other calls/emails/texts/BBMs...it's because you. are. a. stupid. fuck.

There ISN'T an app for that

2009-08-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

Lucky for me...these apps don't exist. I have an ex who would love this.
Guys: this is a parody; please don't try this at home (or anywhere else for that matter)

her lil black book presents: the adventures of max fabulous

2009-08-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

It's getting to the point that I read her posts as soon as she posts them... and you should too...today's required reading is her post: "Bedtime Stories"...read it. Commit it to memory. Enjoy

Social Media Etiquette

2009-08-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

I guess that today is national "Try to Chop a Chick on Twitter Day"... 2 of my girls and myself (!) were...approached....wait, uhm...
had advances made...no, that doesn't sound right...
addressed by?

See, I don't even know how to refer to it! Any how, let me refer to it the way my instinct tells me to: some damn fool thought he could get in.

I will use my example:

My girl, the Quiz Queen @darlingnicky999,is a loyal BlackBerry user. I love my iPhone. Earlier today she said: I'm a true BB'er for life. Getting an iPhone would be like becoming a lesbian. I wrote back (to her) "hey! I'm straight!" Those who know me or follow me and my loyal "there's an app for that comments" would get the joke.

But no, out of nowhere comes "@idiotboy" (not his real ID) with this:

@herlilblackbook aha .... So what's ur bb pin then ??

1 - he doesn't know me to get the joke... I understand.
2 - I also understand that Twitter is a conversation, so that anything I say can be commented on by others...totally cool.
3 - and if he was say, a follower of @darlingnicky999 (and really, everyone should be) and was cracking a joke...fine

BUT 1 - @idiotboy just joined today
2 - see photo... these are the ONLY tweets he's posted today
3 - he's not following @darlingnicky999

Dude...seriously? So, it irked me. And when I'm irked I get really snarky. Using my favourite movie...I responded:

@idiotboy Hi!! Since ur new to twitter, this should help: The first rule of Tweet Club is, you do not hit on women on twitter...

@idiotboy the second rule of tweet club, is you DO NOT HIT ON WOMEN ON TWITTER http://twitpic.com/eieru

@idiotboy #3 if someone says stop....stop.

@idiotboy#4 visit the blog... herlilblackbooktheblog.blogspot.com :)

I'm sure this will earn an "unfollow", but oh well. Which got me thinking about bad social media etiquette...and then, BOOM! Two more women made the same complaint.

Guys: who the fuck told you this was okay? It's NOT!!

Recently I've had MySpace friend requests from randoms, Facebook adds... the kind where the guy adds you, you see that you have people in common abut you've never met them, blah blah blah. And I know that asking for a pin is just like getting a phone number but... There is a time and URL for everything. The next video we shoot will ask for some do's and don'ts - stay tuned...video this week. If you have some comments of your own...post them here or on twitter with the hash tag #twitterdo or #twitter don't.

Question from a Guy...

2009-08-12T18:23:00.001-07:00

Which we will film one day but I thought I'd put it here too:

"do girls really think all their girlfriends are hot?! because it's usually not the case!"

Agree? Disagree?

Check your wardrobes...

2009-08-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

A promise...

2009-08-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

No more Sex and the City clips...

xoxo

Sex Ed - Part 2

2009-08-10T21:53:00.001-07:00

Well, the conversation about the deed somehow got sidetracked with a conversation about odour...Yes, the guys were having a vagasil moment...

I admit, I set it off with my response: (bold=me, italics=twitter folk)
*arched brow* short answer: no. When's the last time U smelled a nutsack? Doesn't smell like febreze y'know.

"dont worry, I fully acknowledge male hygiene should be up 2 par. If u ever get close 2 my region it gon smell like mango"

Me: LMFAO - heard that before... handed him a bottle of febreze

"wowzers! That's cold."

"Vaginas are not always fresh either!"

Well I don't know about ur pussy (name omitted), but do not lump my shit in that generalization.

And for the love of God, let's call it by it's anatomically correct name.....VA-JAY-JAY.

Let us refer call it the lower region.

I see what you're saying. The stuff has to be fresh on both ends. Agreed!

and their shit IS NOT always minty fresh, especially when eating stinky foods...you get stinky stuff

so I cracked a joke about "funky junk" or "funky spunk"...

EXACTLY! Guys, it's commonly referred to as "funky junk" or "funky spunk"...just so you know...if you hear that she's not talking about rhythm...

NOPE, not rhythm...at ALL...in my experience, the sweeter the fruit, the sweeter the juice...no dairy, meat, beer...yeccch! ) I ain't going down like or on that!

WARNING: I'm not going to regularly post SATC clips on this blog - guys I want you to keep reading - but this was apropos for the convo...

follow us on twitter for more random convos like this and ladies: webcam me your response to this question: what do you do when the guys junk is funky?

UPDATE - my email has been compromised, so post a video response to YouTube and send me the link...sorry!

Sex Ed

2009-08-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

Well, one of my boys posted on twitter that for sex, anything longer than 10 minutes is not for pleasure and is just for exercise. Of course there was a round a disagreements...to which he responded:

Why do women say men are too quick when doing the deed? Have you ever considered that you are too slow?

Ladies, I'm going to leave this to you...what is your answer? Post below...and yes, I'm taking this question to the streets.

xoxox

This about sums it up...

2009-08-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hi,

PSA time. Having a conversation with a friend of mine and the subject of, ahem, blow jobs came up.

Guys: please take note of what she's saying...thank you and goodnight.

New videos coming this week...xoxo

3 a.m. girls sighting...

2009-08-09T11:53:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of my girl @toflo (toflo.com)

Except, it was only around 11 p.m... LOL I was there, but I was too busy laughing...still a novice at shooting on the fly - more footage of them to come later. Whoooo!

http://www.qik.com/video/2459622

Oh how I love this song...

2009-08-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

I would love to do an HLBB post like this...email me if you're interested!

NEW CAMERA TODAY!!!

2009-08-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I'm excited, had to share...

Buying one of those Mini HD devices that will fit in my pocket. Normally our videos have been shot on an Mini DV HD cam (the kind used in TV), which looks great, but then we have to arrange timing schedule and shoot way in advance.

This new camera will allow me to shoot whenever inspiration strikes....which means? MORE VIDEOS!

Very excited.

Camera is being purchased tonight.

xoxo

p.s. it has night vision!!!! "to catch a 3 a.m. girl" anyone?

What you can learn from Americans

2009-08-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Go get 'em cowboy."
-Team America, World Police

This weekend in Toronto, it was Caribana, which brings in a large amount of tourists from this country and the one just south of us...I see you down there!

With the Americans (or "Yankees" as I affectionately call them), came the complaints "too brash", "too loud", "too forward"...too much.and it got me thinking. Each time I go out for Caribana, I get hit on, holla'd at, or felt up by a Yankee. But each year, they come back and my Canadian boys complain that they're trying to move in on us women.

So, why do the Yankees succeed? And I thought about it a bit. It's not just the accents - although give me a Philly or Baltimore drawl any day - which is what guys say or try to imitate. It's not the clothes or the big cars.

It's that they have nothing to lose. Remember, they're on vacation. Think about how you are on vacation. You have a little more swagger, you take risks, you're a little more relaxed and flirty...exactly. Personally, I think they crank it up a notch when they're aren't dealing with American women, which is why Estelle wrote a song called "American Boy" and not "London Gentlemen".

What can you learn from the Americans?

Take chances...
Approach the unapproachable...with confidence. Was out with a couple of my girls on Friday...one guy spotted my friend and I watched him hover for 25 minutes (she was oblivious). I mean literally just hover around us.When did he approach? When she was in the middle of texting (her boyfriend by the way), when he was shot down, he said "what about your friend? She seemed a little stand off-ish, so I didn't approach her (he was talking about my other friend not me)

Whoa...dude. You're grasping at straws.

Another night we're out and grab some late night food at Fran's. The Yankees in another booth call out to me to join them. Why? "Because I think you're attractive, and would make an interesting dinner companion...and you can bring one of your girls over too! I got my boy right here for her!" I stayed with my friends (because I'm not a 3amgirl), but he tried for 5 minutes before I ended the conversation. The entire time, he was pleasant, funny and most of all, sure of himself. And when I shot him down?

Have backup....
At one point in the conversation I said "and how drunk are you?" His two boys jumped to his defense without missing a beat "yeah, he's a little drunk, but it doesn't mean he doesn't know a good thing when he sees it!" "you should talk to him when he's regular, you'd like him, give him your number and you can find out tomorrow..." My expression was blank, but inside, I was laughing, he came with references!

Especially if you're not the most confident guy in the world, have somebody you can play off of (like a wingman) to help you shine and be charming.Had I been less jaded, he might've had my number...

Smile for fuck's sake...
Seriously? Yankees come up here smiling like it's Christmas morning! Why? Scantily clad women, heat and alcohol...you'd be smiling too (if you were in Trinidad, Brazil or Mexico). And not leering smiles, real smiles...the kind that make a girl smiile back. And say hi or give a head nod but keep walking...you shouldn't just smile at the girls you want a piece of....smile at all of them. I watched one Yankee walk by some jaded girls and say "y'all ladies are looking lovely today"...I then watched him joke and flirt with all, BUT get the number of 1...but he already had his backup and therefore 3 more endorsements.

Be original.
"psssst" is not a pickup line dammit and "how you doing?" only worked for Joey on Friends. 'Nuff said.

Don't take or make it personal...
She's not interested? Shrug your shoulders...there are a lot more women in this city. I once told a guy I wasn't interested (my exact words "no, it's alright") his response? "Well, you're kinda fat anyways and I thought your friend was cuter" Me: "stupid mothafucka, why are you talking to me then?"

A: he didn't have enough confidence to go for what he really wanted (apparently my friend), so he went for the second ring...tsk tsk. And then when he was shot down, got upset and lashed out at me? I could've introduce him to my friend but he opened up his big mouth.

You're not on a timer...
I think you guys have been watching Keys to the VIP a little too hard... yes, they score a girl's number in 2 minutes or less (or they don't), but it's edited down and they're on a game show! Yankees willl try with you for 5, 10 minutes to achieve their goal - remember they're on vacation, they have all the time in the world. Quality, guys not quantity.

Sexy comments right off the bat only work...
If you're a celebrity (and even then, not so much). Funny trumps looks for many women, but if you crack a joke in the very first moments of conversation about getting some, you won't.

Relax, be honest and remember: she's not the last woman on earth.

her lil black book Presents... the 3 a.m. Girl

2009-08-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

If you follow us on Twitter, you know of my tales of the 3 a.m. girls. It started out as a bit of joke, resulting from our nights out a clubs watching guys fail at the art of the pick up.

Guy trying to pick up a girl on our left, and drunk out of her mind girl to our right...

We started calling them the 3 a.m. Girls. Paris and Lindsay are their patron saints...their libation of choice is whatever they can afford or is purchased for them and they seem to develop an aversion to shoes somewhere around the 3 a.m. hour.

So now, the 3 a.m. Girl is on Twitter - follow her and her friends each weekend.

Is it malicious? Meh, a little. But really it's no more embarrassing than your friends posting pics of you bleary eyed, with vomit in your hair on Facebook the next day. And we will always keep the identities of the 3 a.m. Girls anonymous. If you spot a 3 a.m. Girl when you're out - send a tweet to @3amgirls and hashtag it as well...let's see where this goes.

Ladies and Gentlemen - the New Theme Song for 3 a.m. girls...

2009-07-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Girl/Guy Quiz

2009-07-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

What I love about HLBB is that we get to discuss and discover the stuff that is usually said behind closed doors, over drinks or at a girls night out...

Guys, my girl darlingnicky999 has started a weekly poll (so if you're not following her, you should) where she posts 10 questions starting at noon EST and posts the results between 8 and 9 pm EST.

Mark your calendars: every WEDNESDAY, she asks the guys 10 questions about women and every THURSDAY she asks women for their honest opinions about men/relatioships/sex.

This week's questions and answers (Women about Men) are...drum roll please...!

Who would you go to first with big juicy news? Your Best Friend or your Boyfriend?
95% of you would tell your BEST FRIEND juicy news before telling your boyfriend/husband. (BFF could be male, that's alright).

What are you more self conscious about? Acne or Stretch Marks?
90% of you women are more self-conscious about acne than stretch marks.

Do you lie about your sexual past? Partners, etc? If so, how much?
Regarding lying abt yr sexual history....it was all ovr the place. sum used 2 & dont anymore. sum still do. sum nevr did.

Underwear – boxers, briefs or boxer/briefs?
Regarding Men's undergarments------Boxer-briefs got just under 2/3 of the vote. Followed by boxers. Lastly briefs.

Do you watch porn?
With regards to whether the LADIES watch porn.....kudos to those who told the truth…about 1/2 of you said YES straight up. Some of you said YES, but don't enjoy it, and a few said no, not at all.

Perfect first date? Expensive dinner? Dinner and a movie? Coffee and dessert? (he’s paying)
65% of you said that a movie/dinner is the ideal date, and most of you would offer to pay for part. Coffee shop took the rest.Nobody cared for the expensive fine dining. (Good news for your wallets fellas).

Wise words from Nicky - My take. The greatest loves of my life have been founded on rich minds, rich chemistry, and rich in humour. I'm a coffee shop girl.

Would you give ORAL if you knew it wasn’t going to be given?
With regards to giving ORAL, with no receiving of it...90% of ladies said they WOULD ABSOLUTELY still give!!!!!!! Bear in mind that several ladies said that this couldn't be a permanent situation, but they wouldn't withhold. (very evolved,impressed)

Would you date a guy who couldn’t dance…like NO rhythm?
50% of you said you WOULD date a guy with no dance skills. 50% of you said HELL no. (wow......presshah)

Wise words from You don't need to be a Jabbawockee, but you need to bring something to the dance floor. Especially if we takin' a wine.

Would you date a guy who had bad credit or had declared bankruptcy?
Regarding guys with bad credit. a few NO's. Most said that the credit issues need to be addressed before marriage. some said NP.

Would you marry a guy that your parents HATED?
75% of you WOULD marry a guy your parents hated. The rest obviously chose to side with the parentals.

Do You Know How to Drink?

2009-07-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Partner, lemme upgrade you.

I'm not just talking what you consume, but how much you consume. I'm not saying you have to order Courvoisier because you heard it in a song a few years back. So I want you to ask yourself: what's your drink? Some women judge a man by how and what they drink. I used to think I was the only one, but I found a few more out there so I thought I'd let you in on the secret. You're out one night and see the one you want at the bar and decide to place an order. You may even offer her one and she might even accept.What you order for yourself can say a lot about you.
Question: have you been drinking Heineken all night? Great. Then don't do what this guy did:

She likes vodka...he asks what she's drinking and she says "vodka tonic", he then orders two vodka tonics and says "don't use Smirnoff". He looks at her and says "Smirnoff is shit, I normally drink Belvedere"
Her: but you were just drinking Heineken? Him: ah, I just felt like having a beer, but normally I drink vodka.

Okay idiot boy, you're now mixing your drinks (hello hangover!) which just screams “amateur”, she knows you're talking out your ass about vodka and that the only reason you're name checking Belvedere is because Hov did it first. And in this case, the girl was drinking Smirnoff, so you've just insulted her. Thumbs up!

Rule #1 - stay true to yourself...if you're a beer drinking dude, then stick with the beer. She’ll admire that more than your newfound “sophisticated” tastes.

Speaking of insulting... this one happened to me a while back…

Him: what you drinking there? Me: Manhattan (vermouth, bourbon, bitters and a cherry) Him: is that like that the Sex and the City drink? Doesn't look very girly, youknowwhatimsayin'?. Me: it's not, it's a little stronger… Him: so you're drinking a guy's drink then? Me: yes, because I'm a pre-op transsexual

Rule #2 - alcohol really has no gender... okay, I know it's looks a little less masculine for a guy to be drinking a sex on the beach if he's not near one. So if she’s shooting whisky? Great and if your drink is purple? Fine… enjoy. Just be able to order in confidence.

But this one has got to be my favourite, I’ve experienced it and watched it happen…

Him: "let's do shot/buy a bottle of____" Her: "okay, but I don't drink ___________" He then orders shots or a bottle of the unwanted alcohol because “she'll like it”. Why? Because he likes it, and she’s just never had it “this way”

SMDH.

Rule #3 - if she doesn't want to drink it, don't impose! Tsk tsk tsk.

But probably the worst complaint of all - and this is for the guys who have girlfriends. If you are stumbling around drunk and she has to take care of you. She'll remember.

She'll remember every time she had to hold you back from getting into a fight, or hold your head...

She’ll remember the drunk booty call at 2 a.m or the I just called/texted to say "I love you" at 4 a.m. (no, they’re not cute)

She’ll remember getting you food so you won't be hung over or, nurse you the next day through said hangover.

She'll do it because she cares about you. But do it often enough and you'll be shit out of luck, back at that bar, trying to impress some girl with your knowledge of vodka.

Hmmm. Today's question

2009-07-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

Question of the Day from MSN

A recent poll suggests 48% of men would break up with their partner if she got fat. Would you dump your significant other for gaining weight?

Yes, No, How Fat?

answer in the comments section below or on twitter

How to seduce a woman...

2009-07-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dang...this boy can sing.
For those who are vocally challenged...just play the song.

follow him on twitter or check out his other videos

Funny...but...makes me wanna ask?

2009-07-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

What's your take on interracial dating...?

Yea? Nay?

Miss Haters...

2009-07-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

Why do women trash talk each other?

What are your thoughts?

Post below or comment on twitter

Quote found on Twitter

2009-07-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

From @digsin37

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never. - Charles Caleb Colton

You're a Good Kid, Charlie Brown (But just too young for me)

2009-07-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

For those guys who are trying to bag a cougar…a bit of advice.

Today’s tale is about Charlie Brown. That’s his alias, because well, he kinda looks like him. I met Charlie Brown through a group of friends; he works within the organization that they work in and since one of my friends is his boss, it was inevitable that we would meet. At parties, we’d all chill, talk about all sorts of stuff and hang out. One day last year, Charlie Brown asks for my number because he wants to pick my brain about something. He never calls. Me? Not bothered in the least because I didn’t feel like he was trying to hit on me…but then again, I couldn’t tell. Charlie Brown wasn’t born in North America, English is not his first language and sometimes, I find it hard to understand him.

A year goes by...The friends throw another party, Charlie stops by and I find out that he’s recently been to Jamaica for a vacation, courtesy of my friend’s dad, who hosted him while he was there. My friend’s dad jokes that on his next visit Charlie should bring me.

Me: Pops… when you’re a young single man, you don’t bring sand to the beach.

Pops: Oh, I think Charlie would like it.

Charlie: *shrugs*

Me: C’mon! Guys Charlie’s age - (to Charlie) how old are you anyways?

Charlie: 24

Pops: not yet, he’s 23

Good grief!

Now, I had gathered that he was younger than me, but a whole bloody decade?! AND, in that circle of friends, he’s at least decade younger than everyone. Well, since that party 2 weeks ago Charlie’s been using the number he didn’t use last year, and showing up places that I’m at. In fact, tonight, I was headed to a friend’s place on the other side of the city and he was just rollerblading by!

Yes, now he’s everywhere I don’t want him to be. FML.

Charlie once told me that he has heard women in their 30s complain that the men in their 30s (and beyond) are too busy working to focus on their relationships, their families or even “casual interferences” (which I thought was a cute euphemism at the time). There could be an argument for that, but that’s not why I’m writing. I’m in my 30s… I’m not a Cougar. There is a reason Cougars (those 40 and up) date 20 year olds and 30 year olds don’t.

My girls who are in their 30s and still single are busy. They’re gone from working at their job towards building their career. They’re buying homes. They’re thinking about children and NO, not because biological clocks are ticking or anything…but there are things you want to have done by a certain time in your life, so that later on, you can slow it down a bit. Yes, we want to have “casual interferences”, and sometimes we slug it out with the men our age (or older) in hopes of taking the “casual” to a “relationship”. But this is why the Cougar comes into existence. She was so busy experiencing, building and (sometimes) restarting her life, that one day she sat down and figured out the Cougar formula:

The Cougar Formula

“ME”

+ Lessons learned in my 20s

+ Status and security gained in my 30s

- Kids who are (almost ready to leave home)

- Husband/significant other

+ A body at its peak (in all ways)

+ Time to think about ME again

= RECESS!

Look at everyone’s favourite Cougar: Demi. She was married, had her 3 babies divorced, reached top levels of her career and could slow it down a bit by the time she hit her 40s. Or, how about Kim Cattrall? Both on screen and in real life, she headed out to frosh week to get her latest man. Had they met these guys when they were in their 30s, those boys wouldn’t have stood a chance. Never mind the fact that these guys were still in HIGH SCHOOL back then, no guy in his 20s would’ve stood a chance with them, okay?

Before you point it out…

I KNOW that a lot of it does have to do with maturity levels and stage of life, but:

When your pants are hanging so low that I feel compelled to tell you to pull them up…
When “old skool” means the “New Jack Swing” or “Grunge”…
When you’ve only seen the Cosby show in reruns…
If you think a skateboard is an acceptable way to commute to work…
When you don’t have OACs, because you no longer had to take them…
When you think it’s cool that I have a “real job” with lots of responsibilities…
When you don’t know that “AC Slater” is the guy hosting America’s Next Dance Crew…
When going out at night involves pictures going up on Facebook the next day…
When you wonder why I’m going to “another” friend’s wedding or baby shower…

and/or

When I can remember what I was doing the year you were born…

Then sweetie, you’re too young for me.

I will figure out a way to let Charlie Brown know (nicely) that he’s too young for me. Right now, he’s being persistent…if he’s gets pushy, I’m gonna have to push back. I’m rejecting him not simply because of chronology, but because we are at different stages of our lives…he’s experiencing and I’m building. I don’t feel like being his experience, I don’t feel like teaching a young pup new tricks, and I don’t feel like babysitting.

At the end of the day...I want to play with someone (closer to) my own age...

If anyone knows how I can let Charlie Brown down, nicely please go to the site, leave a comment here, or hit me up on twitter - suggestions are very welcome right now! All I've been doing is avoiding the calls and if he does catch me, I've been playing the "busy card". For instance, he wanted to go for a drink tonight, I said I was busy (always true), and then he saw me heading to my friend's place... I did not elaborate on the purpose of my visit (which was to eat food and watch UFC fights while planning another HLBB shoot)... I think he drew his own conclusion...

I'll keep you posted...

UPDATE #1 - July 15/09 - my point proven - Kim Cattrall just split up with her younger man
Cream World Mag's Blog

The "friend" quoted says - "They realized that they were at different points in their lives. They still care about each other and will remain friends."

Mmm hmm...

The Amazing Girlfriend Manager

2009-07-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so some dude has created an app that can help a guy "manage" his girlfriends (imaginary I suspect)

The Amazing Girlfriend Manager

At first, I thought this was a joke, but I found out that you can buy this lovely little app in the iTunes store for only $0.99.

I chuckled a bit and then I decided to "create" my own in response to this...because really? Guys can't keep it together? Maybe, oh I dunno, sticking to one? Okay, for the playas out there, I'm asking too much.

So for my ladies...tell me what you think...or if you're a developer and want to partner up on this, lemme know!

xoxo

p.s. i'm not a designer, so forgive my rudimentary photoshop skills.

Psycho Girlfriend - Ep. 3

2009-07-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

A joke for the guys...

2009-07-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Guys: consider this your first warning...

2009-07-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

Scientists create test-tube sperm

Shared via AddThis

Footage!!!

2009-07-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm excited!
I've got footage...time to hit the lab.

That's all..as you were.

xoxo

File under WTF?

2009-06-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

"what, uh happened was, that I was fixing my car, and I got tired. I got so tired, I didn't feel this girl jump up in my car. No baby I swear, I didn't feel her OR her girl taking my cellphone to send you the video. NO baby, I don't know how she knew you were my girl...she must've just chosen the last number I dialed. Baby, just listen. I don't know these hoes! See? See how they hafta shake me awake? They just trying to cause drama. Look woman, you ain't gonna love me when it hurts, this ain't gonna work... and how you gonna have GPS on my phone and not tell me woman?"

You know some brotha is gonna try this excuse...

Quote found on Twitter

2009-06-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Although there is someone for everyone,
sometimes the world would be better off if they never met.

3 minutes ago from UberTwitter

If nice girls finish last....where do bitches finish at?

2009-06-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hmmm,

I will be the first to admit that I'm not nice. I'm a bitch.

I think my attitude is a huge contributing factor in the kind of men that approach me. For years my joke has been that guys who approach me are either a) really drunk b) really brave or c) really horny.

I was working the other night and met a cute guy...okay I met one GORGEOUS guy and one cute guy, but tried to keep it professional, y'know? One invited himself to my hotel for a private after party (uh...?) and the other sent me an email (we were all working at the event in different capacities). It was Gorgeous who invited himself to my room, and Cute who emailed me.

I called Cute back the next day as I made my way back to the city. We chatted, he then said it would have be cool if I stayed in town another evening, because we could've hung out that evening (his email suggested a drink).

I thought "cool"...so we ended up making tentative plans to meet up after he went to a dinner. We agreed to a nightcap, then he said he wouldn't be able to make it to the city until well after last call. No suggestion of what activity we might do...

So you know what activity he was thinking of...

Really? I'm only half surprised, though.

I explained that I would be making it an early nigh, because I had event to go to the next night and I had to still be at my desk for my day job on Monday. He writes back and later one writes that he only got in at 5 a.m., to which I said "sounds like you had a good time" he writes back "it would've been better if we had hooked up"

Urk.

In my opinion the definition of "hooking up" is way too fluid and depends on the hour it's used at.
If a guy says at 12 p.m. "you wanna hook up"? It could mean actually going out somewhere and doing something; if the same thing is said at 12 a.m., it means something different and the words "hook" and "up" become one word. I wrote back that I wanted a definition of what he meant. Because while Gorgeous flirted with me all night (making it hard to remain professional...damn that Dolce and Gabbana cologne!) Cute really didn't. In fact, I had no clue he was interested in me beyond a professional level, until I got his email saying that he missed out on saying goodnight to me...

He wrote back that hookup could mean whatever I wanted it to mean at any hour.

Le sigh.

I told my girl P about it and she said, "you need to tell him how sleazy he's coming off right now, lol". Agreed. So I wrote back

"I like my clothes and tend to keep them on..."

And then (because he's a DJ) I sent him a link to this song:

Mmmhmm... I did.

He wrote back, that he loves the song but that Jermaine was wrong.

SMDH. He going in that pile with all the rest.

I'm NOT gorgeous... so I really have struggled to figure out why I always get this invite. I've even asked my guy friends why is it guys go straight for the "kill" with me? Is it in the vibe I give off?

Guys, this will be my topic for the next video (will shoot it next weekend, even if I can't get my regular camera guy): what do women think when you do this?

As for me, he's cute, we have stuff in common, but he has committed a major FAIL with his comments. What turned into drinks, and what could've turned into something else might not be.

I'm not frigid, it just turns me off when it's the first thing I'm asked; and before anyone asks, I tend to be more covered than 90% of the women in the room, so please don't even suggest it's the way I dress! I like movies, I eat food...why can't I sistah get an invite to dinner or a movie? Normally, I would discount him because he's a DJ and when I hear that I automatically think of Jemini's "No More Dating DJs"; and now, he's got a strike against him. What do you think sweeties, should I give him a chance to redeem himself or should I leave him in that pile with the others?

My girl P has said "I'm gonna introduce you to some good guys tonight!" So I'll keep you posted.

I'll leave the fate of Cute up to you guys - vote here or on twitter

xoxo

p.s. Gorgeous' number is in my back pocket...

Today...

2009-06-18T22:46:00.001-07:00

I'm at a wedding... so you know I should find at least one thing to tweet about...

be good...or be good at it...xoxo

Knock you down...

2009-06-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

Heh, not again
Ohh, this ain't supposed to happen to me...

If....

2009-06-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Oooh...

Remember this album? This video?

For me, this album is nearly almost half a lifetime ago...but I have a specficic memory tied to just about every song...

That's the Way Love Goes - a classic....'nuff said

You Want This I dressed like this for school...

If (in fact I can tie this song to a specific person right now...)

Throb (I don't know how 2 16 year old girls got to drive around all summer in short shorts, blaring this song out of a convertible sports car...but we did...and we LOVED the looks on the boys faces)

What'll I Do - I love it when Janet goes all rock (think Black Cat)...this was my shower song.

Again this song has a specific person attached to it ...always

Where Are You Now (I still wonder where this person is sometimes...I'll admit it)

Any Time, Any Place - now "IF" is my track (it even makes me think of someone current, hee hee...but this would be a close second)

And as the last track says lovelies..."Sweet Dreams"

This has nothing to do with relationships...

2009-06-17T12:23:00.001-07:00

But when I read that Jimmy Choo was pairing up with H&M this fall, I got a little lightheaded... I imagine it's the same way you feel when you meet the man of your dreams.

News Courtesy of Marcus Troy

My girl Danielle summed it up best when she said this of the news: "This is how I know baby Jesus loves me."

3 a.m. girls...

2009-06-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, the 3 a.m. Girls... I've been seeing a lot of them lately. Sometimes they come out a bit earlier, but you usually see them en masse at 3 a.m.

A 3 a.m. Girl is:

Usually shouting at her friend to "hurry up", "shut up" or "get up" or, she's the one being shouted at.

She'll call her closest friend a "whore" but mean it in a loving manner...this is sometimes combined with the first clue – as in: "shut up you whore*! I love you!"

(*"whore" can be replaced with "bitch", "slut", or "cocksucker")

Usually the one who let some guy separate her from her friends and has been hooking up with said guy for the past hour. He has now brought her drunk and dishelved ass back to her friends so that they can all go home together.

Was the one projectile vomiting in the bathroom at 2:40, or is the one sitting on the curb outside the club, dazed and confused, too drunk to walk.

She’s the one that ends up in the Facebook photo gallery.

Was the one who thought the 5 inch "patent leather" white pumps purchased in Chinatown looked cute with her outfit when she left home at 11:30, but now can't walk in them, so she's walking along the vomit and urine stained streets barefoot. If she has a strong backed boyfriend, then this is the girl being carried by him.

Mumbling "I need food" and trying to hug strangers because she's in a good mood.

Or has spent all her money on drinks and cannot afford a cab ride home…so she’s taking the a vomit rocket (all night bus) or is trying to decide whether or not she should spend her last bit of money on some street meat or the bus. I once watched two girls split a hot dog so that they could afford the bus home.

An open love letter to those dear 3 a.m. Girls:

Some of you will grow out of it, others will become 3 a.m. Cougars and a few will have really shitty stuff happen one night -whether it be a lost shoe (saw it happen), crawling around on the floor of a club because you lost your engagement ring (seriously it was sad… she was bawling like a muthafucka) or lost car (true story; they had the keys, but they had no idea where it was parked…which is good thing considering she was in no state to drive).

The pitfall of being a 3 a.m. Girl is that you become the target of "last call" guys. These douchebags are trying get any kind of coochie they can because it's now after last call at the bar and this is their last chance…these guys figure if they’re gonna get any tonight, it will be from you, the 3 a.m. Girl, who not fully aware, doesn’t care much or is just as desperate. Or, because you made out with your friend on the couch in VIP while the guys having bottle service cheered you on and took pictures.

Oh 3 a.m. Girl, is this what you thought your night would be when you left home the night before? Really?

Oh yeah:

Your girl is not a “dirty cocksucking whore” that you love because “that’s (your) bitch”…she’s your friend and your best chance of getting home in one piece. Respect that.

That hot hookup guy? He’ll (maybe) call for another session, but you probably won’t hear from him after that…the next time you see him, you’ll be (hopefully) sober, so I hope for your sake he was as hot as you remembered him.

My mother always had this advice “don’t ever go out if you don’t have enough money to pay your own way, call in case of an emergency or to get home”.

Don’t go out in something at night that you’d be ashamed to walk home in during the light of day… because I’ve seen some of you at sunrise and it ain’t pretty and don’t buy shoes you can’t walk in for at least 7 hours.

Other than that…I love 3 a.m. Girls... because, well, they're funny.

xoxo

p.s. for those who are wondering… I have been severely trashed on many occasions, but have never been a 3 a.m. Girl.

The Patron Saint of 3 a.m. Girls - Paris Hilton

Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry

2009-06-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dang...funny thing is I've yet to date a man who uses anything other than LinkedIn. (yay me!)

Facebook and Divorce: Airing the Dirty Laundry

the latest twitter meme

2009-06-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

geek pickup lines....these had me laughing

nmau RT @threadless: #geekpickuplines: "Let's go back to MySpace and you can Twitter all over my Facebook" http://thrdl.es/p/1881

SweetestSinner_ I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. #geekpickuplines

OskrZapata you are the most beautiful girl in the worldwideweb #geekpickuplines

nissanessery #geekpickuplines Would you mind if I inserted my memory stick into your USB port?

MxWorldClassxM #geekpickuplines need me to unzip your files? 2 minutes ago from web

P.S.A - The 7 Zones

2009-06-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't watch Friends when it was on...so this is new to me.

gentlemen, take notes...

You're welcome

Just listened to this song fully...

2009-06-07T20:02:00.001-07:00

...sending this out to my girl (you know who you are...xoxox)

Kelly Clarkson "I Do Not Hook Up"

Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down
You've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure, you've found it
Slow motion, sparks, you've caught that chill
Now don't deny it
But boys will be boys, oh, yes, they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get comfy

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

I can't cook, no, but I can clean
Up the mess she left
Lay your head down and feel the beat
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now
So love the one you're with
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say...

'Cause I feel
The distance
Between us
Could be over
With the snap of your finger, Oh, no!

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say...
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down
'Cause you don't wanna miss out

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...depending on the time of day

2009-06-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

Me: I don't get the obsession with Megan Fox...it's not like she wakes up looking that way.

Him: As long as she looks like that the night before, I really don't care about the morning after...

Searching for a Chemistry Solution...

2009-06-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

Chemistry is traditionally defined as:the science of matter; the branch of the natural sciences dealing with the composition of substances and their properties and reactions

In dating, is there really such a thing and should it be called chemistry? My boy D and I just spent an hour talking about it (not that we don't spend hours talking about stuff in general). But I still can't put my finger on it... what IS it exactly?

He thinks it starts with physical attraction and grows from there (well, that's how it worked with his current girlfriend)

I think that it's something that's more like a feeling and that it goes beyond the first meeting.

He thinks feeling comfortable with that person and being compatible is equal to chemistry.

I think there needs to be some sort of spark...

Let me stress: sparks do NOT equal drama, I've had enough drama in my life and do not encourage it. But I fully admit, I do want that spark. For me, it's that sense of anticipation, even while you're with the person. That feeling that each time you see them it's new and not the same old, same old...some sort of visceral reaction...

My past relationship modus operandi has been: meet a guy, be friends with them for a year or two, and then one day, the declaration happens. He says "we should be more than friends..." and depending on the timing in my life, I've said yes or no. I realized that this m.o. stretches back to my very first boyfriend. I had great chemistry with each of them, but it was the friend kind of chemisty that we then tried to make into a relationship...sometimes successful (5 1/2 years as a couple)...sometimes not so much (3 months as a couple).

While reviewing this m.o. with D, I said "in my next relationship..."

I'm a happily single woman who doesn't give much thought to having a boyfriend, so for him to hear me talk about having one signals to him that I want a boyfriend. So, once he stopped laughng, he asked for I.D. and then once the rude little fucker confirmed that I hadn't been replaced with a robot, asked what was wrong with the guys I had met lately, and why none of them could be boyfriend material. Beyond the fact that most of the guys that I've mentioned to him lately have been old friends (which would fit my standard m.o.) there's been one thing missing. That chemistry, that rapport I have with them as friends, I don't see it translating into something else...

I also just want to meet a guy, have that spark, date for a bit, and then one day...have that "okay, we've been dating for a few months..." status check type of conversation. The way my schedule is, I honestly find it hard to develop a relationship, so the above scenario is very much a fantasy. But I will say this:my next relationship needs to have "boyfriend/girlfriend" chemistry.

He thinks that there are a couple of contenders that I should give a chance to, as he believes they would have that declaration ready, if I ever gave the signal that I was open to hearing it (and no, he's not one of them) But c'mon now, I've known one of them for 10 years! You think he would've said something by now! He's in that "friend zone" and he's not moving out of it. Besides, after each relationship ended, I lost the friend as we were never able to go back to what it was...I'm not interested in ruining any more friendships.

For now, I've reworked the definition to create my own for dating: Chemistry is the science of personalities; the branch of the male/female relationship dealing with the composition of individuals, their properties and reactions. But as the sun rises, I'm still left wondering: does chemistry exist? Is it an ideal or something real? Is it that easy rapport you have with another person or is it fireworks? Is it something you have to maintain or does it come naturally?

Or is it something that you just know? (grr, I hate those things)

Quotable

2009-05-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Note To All Men: Don't hate on a guy to your girl. When you do this, your actually giving him free promo. Trust me, she's intrigued

(via twitter)

T.O.N.Y

2009-05-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hi,

dunno why I've been sleeping on Solange Knowles... but she is way more innovative than Beyonsense (and the prettier sister)

Toni don’t call no more, Don’t have it on no more
Maybe there is something wrong with his phone
Or maybe it’s mornin’ and the thrill is gone
And I’m not sure if I’m still respected
And I’m not in a rush to feel rejected.
Not by Tony

Tony don’t care no more
He doesn’t want me there no more
And I just want to know what I did wrong
Damn this would make a real good song
And I don’t have these nights too often
I wish I could take my mind off him
But I really like Tony

And he wasn’t just some regular guy
Tony’s actually the other night
Oh why

I could’ve been in love by now
If it wasn’t for Tony
I could’ve been in love by now
If it wasn’t for Tony

Me and Tony don’t speak no more
It’s almost been a week oh no
My how time goes so fast
But I still refuse to call his ass
I remember the way that I reacted
And today’s even more attractive
But I really miss Tony.
But then Tony called me one day
He said that he just called to say hey
And it wasn’t until he called me back
That I realized I needed more than that
I’m alot wiser and a little older
Hey baby it was nice to know ya
Good bye Tony.

Still he wasn’t just some regular guy
Tony’s actually the other night
Oh why

I could’ve been in love by now
If it wasn’t for Tony
I could’ve been in love by now
If it wasn’t for Tony

I don’t go with yesterday no more
Now I’m feeling free (I’m feeling free)
Today and tomorrow told me (what they said)
That’s where I should be (that’s where I should be)
That’s where I should be (so I’m moving)
I’m moving (so I’m moving on)
I’m going, Can’t wait forever (I’m moving on)
I’m going (so I’m moving on)
I’m leaving
I miss you baby

Still he wasn’t just some regular guy
Tony is actually the other night

If it wasn’t for Tony

A little help from/for my friend(s)...

2009-05-15T09:26:00.001-07:00

Got this email from one of my friends and asked for permission to post a bit of it…read below.

Hey,

Since your doing this black book thing, I have a question for you.
What’s up with men and the disappearing act? I met this guy about 4 weeks ago, hit it off, exchanged contact information and got to talking and texting and emailing and everything was cool.

Went out for a date after week one and it was perfect. Said he’d call me for another in a week when he got back into town. He texted (during the day so not a booty text), but no call. I called him (but he told me he hated voicemail so there’s no way of knowing whether or not he even listened to it). The texts continued but still no call AND he doesn’t mention the next date. 1 night, we were going to be at the same party and I mentioned that I’d see him there… he texts later on that he was there but late and didn’t see me…”hope you had a nice night”.

And now, just the odd text here and there.

Why do men do this?

Okay… first all, herlilblackbook was supposed to provide insight into why women do/say things or act the way they do to men. But I’m going to put this out there, because the only thing I can think of is that he’s:

a) married or already attached to another woman
b) married or already attached to another man
c) just not that interested

but fellas help me out, is a drop off that “sudden”? You go from all interested to “hope you had a nice night” Why? I didn’t extract the whole email (it was a lot longer with details about the texts n' stuff), but no, they hadn’t had sex.

Hmmm.

p.s. why do people hate voicemail? I don’t get this…

The Ex Factor

2009-05-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Hi.

It’s been a while… and you’ve managed to not contact me. But then, a couple of days ago you just couldn’t resist. You “had to reach out” didn’t you? It’s been over 20 years… you think you would’ve figured out what I did 2 years ago: we don’t work. I work on my own (or even with others) you work on your own - and proved that you work very well with others time and time again…

But together?

We. Do. Not. Work.

Points I guess for persistence. No, no points, just me wondering if I should have a peace bond issued (again).

I changed my name, you found me...
I changed my number, you found me...

And now, even after your email I wonder what I should change next? You write that you saw me “walking home”, and suddenly, I want to leave town.

How is that fair or right? What more should I have to change?

Not a fucking thing...I like where I’m at right now. I’m done with the hiding…I’ve grown up and learned my lesson. Have you?

We did learn a lot from each other. For instance, you taught me tolerance and forgiveness… you introduced me to jazz and spoken word…I taught you patience and showed you how to be a better writer... because of you, I don’t trust anyone…because of me, you don’t forgive at all. For all the good we did, we did just as much damage. I’ve apologized and you even said the words “I’m sorry” (which I never expected to hear from you). But then I remember something else I learned because of you: if you have to say you’re sorry, you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

“Sorry” is now my least favourite word.

So, all “evidence points” to me being “happy”? How the fuck would you know? And then panic sets in. I purposely don’t hang around people who might know you…I don’t put my name out there… so how do you know? Years ago, you told me how you found out things…I’m asking you, don’t.

I refuse to go through that again.

You asked me if I missed you. I don’t. I miss our friendship, which was the best part of our relationship. You were the only person I never had to explain anything to; you got it. You got me (frankly, I don’t think anyone has since). But we can’t be friends because you don’t want to be, remember? You said you wouldn’t be able to bear seeing me happy with someone else. If you can’t bear it, why are you looking for “evidence”?

I know that by contacting me, you are looking for reaction…I don’t know what you were thinking, but you were wrong. I told you I changed, and I’m not her anymore. I will not react, I will not return the call, I will not respond to the email. I cannot do this dance any longer, I’ve forgotten the song…I cannot find the beat…

We are the past. If you want me to be happy… you will leave me in the past.

I told you, the woman you want it out there. She will be the one that you thought was me. She will be the one that shows you how wrong we are for each other. If I could find her and bring her to you, I would. I want you to be happy, but happiness is not with me.

I’m not her.

I love you.
Goodbye.

this is so bad it hurts my feelings

2009-05-11T21:49:00.001-07:00

if this gets airplay...I'm going to throw out my radio

Melanie Fiona: "Give it to Me Right"

2009-05-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement: Gentlemen, take note of this song...commit it to memory.
You're welcome.

HLBB

Melanie Fiona - Give It To Me Right

Oh...what the fuck? a.k.a. what not to do/say to a woman in a club - PART I I

2009-05-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Oh hells no...

Out last night in a few places and having a good time with the girls.

Got to venue number two and start to scope out some choices for my girl (I love to play wingman). We see a few but it's kinda hard as some seem a little more drunk than they should be.

The HE walks in.

Oh. Hello. Almost pulled a 360 degree "Exorcist" with my head to watch him walk by... Alex the bartender is in agreement.

Now, the approach for me is a little more difficult. On behalf of another...no problem! Me? Uh...But, we do move closer to where they are, conveniently enough there's an empty table. But I don't make eye contact or anything. One of his boys approaches my girl to ask where coat check is (uhm...follow the big neon sign that says "coat check"? lol)and they leave and come back - with their coats.

Then the house music comes on and I forget all about HIM (house music is my drug of choice). And then one of his other friends approaches us when we take a break and I'm sitting on a ledge on the wall. I'm in good spirits...then this guy ruins it.
Asks if we're having a good time, then asks if we're from "the suburbs"

What?

I'm a city girl, born and raised. Three weeks ago, I took the GO train for the first time in about 20 years. But I look suburban to your Ed Hardy wearing ass? Strike 1.

He says that his name is Olivier and he's originally from MTL. I mock a broken heart and explain that I'm offended about the suburban remark. I need to know, what about us looked "suburban"? Explains that he hasn't seen us at this club before and that we look "different".

(uh, was here a few weeks ago, the bartender's an old friend, even one of the bouncers knows my ID by heart...I've never seen YOU before)

I point out my snakeskin print pumps (purchased in Montreal)and say "do these look suburban to you?" (he said "a little")

He then tries to guess where I'm from in the city.

Scarborough?
Don Mills?
York Mills?

No. No. No. Strike two.

I say "you're insulting me..." he says "I'm just joking..." I say "this is how you pick up women? With insults?" Because, Chris Rock makes jokes, you're just being dumb sweetie."

My girl is gleefully wondering when the giant cocktail ring on my hand is going to make contact with his face. When I tell him where I live (which, admittedly is a nice 'hood) he says "did you have to think about that for a minute?" (blank stare from me) "oh so you're going to say you live in the rich part of town?"

I look and him and say "strike three."

BATTER UP!

So that's when HE decides to step in. Yes, the original hottie. Asking if we're alright and is his friend bothering us.

Me: "he's insulting"

HE effectively goes in for the block and we start talking. This is so much better!

Wrong.

I tell him my name is Roc (i.e. gave my nickname only)and his response is "oh! Like 'The Rock'? My response was "yes, except I don't cook" (i.e. "do you smell what The Rock is cooking?

Oh! Well what told me to say that? HE went on a 5-minute diatribe about why this is a tragedy. Some highlights:(these are verbatim quotes)

"What about tradition? Rice and Peas? Jerk Chicken?"
"What about passing our culture on to your children? You want to have kids, right?"
"...for instance, I would want my son to know how to fix a roof, repairs around the house and my daughter - not that I'm expecting you to live by the stove, but..."
"I assume you're some sort of African descent mixture, right?"
"I work 9-5...it's good to have a home cooked meal..."
"Oh, you're on some North American bullshit with that 'not cooking' stuff"

At this point, he hasn't even told me his name! He launched right into this.

I AM CANADIAN with Caribbean heritage, both my parents are Black and MY traditions and culture include a lot more than Rice and fucking Peas and Jerk Chicken, it's none of your goddamn business whether or not I want kids and (this I said to him) I work a lot more than 9-5 and I know how to use power tools bitch. Then I said (when I finally got a chance), "oh, when I said I don't cook, you assumed I didn't know how?"

"Yes!"

"oh. I know HOW... I just DON'T"

Then he proceeded to quiz me on what I know how to make. And then suggested that we get friends together to cook a meal - he'll help.

You are put on the disabled list, sit out the rest of the season on the bench, punk.

My poor girl is fending off some others while I have a debate with this sexist shit who finally told me his name, but luckily a dark knight cockblocked with the "I haven't seen you in so long! Gimme a hug" move... bless his heart.

Moral of the story? There isn't one... I just had to vent.

okay, maybe there's two:

1 - don't use insults to pick up a woman... IT DOES NOT WORK
2 - don't openly judge a woman within the first 5 minutes based on an innocuous comment...

oh, okay one more

don't brag about effectively cockblocking your boy to get to me (yes, Batter #2 did this)

SMH

Oh...what the fuck? a.k.a. what not to do/say to a woman in a club - PART I

2009-05-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is for the guys: read carefully, print, email this to others, memorize, because a whole week later, I'm still pissed off.

In a club with friends, walk outside to get some air as it was hotter than summer inside. Come back in and there's dude who motions me to "come here" (i.e. to where he's standing). Even if you are the most gorgeous man on earth, you will NOT get a woman to approach you with that move. Unfortunately, I have to walk past him to get back to my friends (no way around it) so I walk by - as far from him as possible and shake my head "no thanks".

Who told motherfucker that THIS was the signal to grab my wrist and pull me towards him?

Whoa. Remove offending hand and discover the other hand is already on my hip pulling me towards him. Remove offending hand to discover original hand now on my arm and fucker leaning in for a kiss! I untangle myself from Octo-Bastard and quickly make my way back to the gang. This entire exchange took about 10 seconds - this is NOT flirting this is attempted assault.

Go back to my friends but say nothing to the guys in the group as they're the types to confront a guy like this loser - and they knew the owner, which means a scene and I hate scenes.

Standing with one of the guys I spot Octo-Bastard trying to make his way over to me. I immediately throw myself onto my friend, hugging, nestling my head in his shoulder, typical "we're a couple" behaviour; one would think that was a hint. But Octo-Bastard is still watching. So, I start dancing with my friend and I danced like I was getting paid for it... I look up and Octo-Bastard has disappeared.

Things go back to normal until my friend moves about 5 feet away from me. Octo-Bastard is BACK and moving in fast for the kill. I swear I felt like one of those fish on shark week. Unbeknownst to him, my friend sees me tense up and inadvertently cockblocks Octo-Bastard when he steps in front of me and asks "are you okay?" I try to lie and say I'm fine (avoiding a scene), he calls me on it and I tell him not to worry...Octo-Bastard has retreated again.

About a half hour later, we start to leave and file out through the club single file. And yes, there's Octo-Bastard who starts to walk towards me. I put my hand out in protest in a "back off" motion; stupid move on my part. He grabs the wrist and pulls me towards him…my friends did not see that I was separated from the pack (this fucker is a classic predator).
As he pulls me towards him again, viselike grip on wrist and other hand on my waist, he says, "It would be worth your while to stay..."

That's when I disengaged my hand and gave Octo-Bastard a solid shove in the chest and said "NO! FUCK OFF".

An hour later I could STILL feel where his eight hands had been... ick ick ick.

moral of story: DO NOT TOUCH A WOMAN UNLESS SHE INVITES YOU TO! I don't know how many times it has to be said. But do NOT touch her unless she touches you FIRST!
And if you see her dancing/hugging/kissing/flirting with another guy...you DON'T have a chance walk the fuck away!

Ladies: I have attached a composite sketch so that you can recognize this fucker when you’re out.

Been a minute..

2009-04-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

Heya,

Been working on a few things and gathering more footage...stay tuned for new video in the next week.

Until then, here's an insanely cute video I found on another blog - Kermit rocks...

Seoul Music

2009-04-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I was gonna post a new video about "sexiness" and then stumbled upon this one:

"Secret Light"? I'm so very curious.

True Story

2009-04-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well I went to a party last night at the ex's house.

The party was okay but there was one thing that really really bothered me. A guy walks in with two girls, he makes the rounds and introduces himself to me and my friend.

"Hi, my name's Derek." - shakes our hands and gets our names.

Then it's the girls turn, she says "hi, I'm Derek's girlfriend".

Hello, what the fuck?

The second girl introduced herself by name and off they went to sit beside us.

You don't have a name? Sweetie really, you don't have a freakin' name?!?

He was not famous (not that this is an excuse), they didn't host the party; they had just arrived so it's not like they had been introducing themselves for hours. So seriously... you so lack an identity that you don't have a name?

No, it wasn't so loud that she would've thought that he said her name...she clearly heard him introduce himself and this is still bothering me a day later.

Le sigh.

I told this story to a guy and said "what? Was she a girlfriend for hire?" His answer: "I think you nailed it Sherlock"

OMFG...I don't think she was hired for the evening (not with those clothes, sorry), but this is the impression that she left? Wow.

Cheaters: The Google Edition

2009-03-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

From Defamer - Cheating Husband Said Caught Via Google Street View
His wife was checking out a female friend's house on Google... tsk tsk tsk

http://gawker.com/5191459/cheating-husband-said-caught-via-google-street-view

What defines cheating?

2009-03-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

Age old question...so we thought we'd ask...but we're still confused...

Excerpt from one of my chats...

2009-03-30T19:11:00.000-07:00

excerpt from a chat with my boy Sam:

Sam says:
so my friend says to me

"Sam, did you know they have HD porn on the web now?"

and I said,

"Dude, they have everything on the internet"

he says,

"no, Sam, listen. HD porn. Ok? Honestly, if they just made computers a little softer, I could finally break up with my girlfriend"

Herlilblackbook says:
okay, that just killed me...LMFAO

Sam says:
I thought it was pretty funny

Herlilblackbook says:
I had to put my head down on my desk and laugh for a bit before replying

Sam says:
Same dude who told me, "Sam - the all access HD adult channel on Rogers is like being hugged by porn"

Herlilblackbook says:
what's his girlfriend NOT doing?

Sam says:
he likes porn!

Herlilblackbook says:
that he needs to hug his appliances so much

Sam says:
he loves his gf cause she makes home made porn with him

Sam says:
no joke

Herlilblackbook says:
when you contemplate replacing a human with a device...

Herlilblackbook says:
OH and she's game for porn?? lucky man

Sam says:
She's a nice girl

Herlilblackbook says:
nice girls do homemade porn...everyone knows this

right? doesn't everyone know this?

The evolution of techology... did you know?

2009-03-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

revisions to site, twitter feed, location shooting

2009-03-29T13:38:00.001-07:00

Whoo hoo...

In the lab for a bit and came out (semi) victorious... I'm not a web designer, not a graphic designer, nothing, so I'm pleased with how the site has turned out (and I did it all by m'self!)

I now know things like favicons, in-line frames and embedding... feeling geeked out now. Dunno if you're reading this via the site or stumbled upon us via blogger feeds, but hi there... how are ya?

There was some thought that we would have a facebook page, but that seems very last year, and I hate the Fbook layout. So, since we only need to ask questions and get answers - I set up a twitter account. Oh! Someone told me that I could add a twitter feed to blogger...but I've had enough tech talk for the past few weeks.

A friend of a friend of a friend has secured a couple of locations for us to shoot future segments, yaay! Won't be subjected to doing streeters in the freezing cold anymore... check back often we start shooting in May.

Today's question: "why is it when women go out they travel in packs of 3s"

Anyone? Answers? Let me know

hello out there...

2008-11-18T16:44:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been at party where a bunch of people start debating relationships? It's a loud, honest and funny conversation and you're loving it?Would you do that on a regular basis?We are looking for 1 brave man and 4 fearless women to get on camera…

Whoa… don't let the mind go there! It's not freaky like that!

Like we were saying…we're looking for 1 guy, 4 women to take that debate and make it viral. There's no money involved and your commitment would be about 3 hours a month. Just to sit on camera and talk,

You must be:
Friendly
Outspoken
WELL spoken
Opinionated
Be willing to be honest
Not afraid of being on camera

If you're interested, then you must do this:
Send a recent picture of yourself along with an answer to this question:If you're a guy: what would be the one question you would ask a room full of women, about women without fear of being smacked?

If you're a girl: finish this thought: the reason men don't understand women is because:For more or to join the fun send emails to

host@herlilblackbook.comReady…set…GO!