1 – Don’t.

2 – Okay, if you really must: wear protection.
This would be one of those times where sharing is NOT caring.

3 – Okay, if you really must. Be discreet and keep it simple.
If you are to have a jump-off, make sure that they have something to lose and not something to gain. Also, stick to one jump-off at a time, I mean, c’mon now, you’re in a committed relationship already! How much more sex can you need? Don’t you have a job? A paper route? A hobby?

4 – DON’T lie to the jump off.
As Yvonne of heydoyou.com tweeted the other day “two timing guys get caught twice”.
You are already lying to one person; why complicate matters more? I don’t even think that they’ve made an app to help you keep track of lies; if they did, I’d know even more people with iPhones.

Wait – stops to check App Store – nope. Just lie detector apps.

Look at Letterman. Did any of his affairs go running to Life & Style Magazine to tell “their side” of the story? Nope. Wow. Look what honesty gets you. Remember, it wasn’t even one of the exes that outed him! She wanted it kept private. Why? So as not to be accused of sleeping her way to the top. Why? Because she had something to lose.

But Tiger? Oh Tiger, you probably told each of your lucky 13 that they were the only one(s). I’m NOT sorry, but cocktail waitresses with dreams of becoming models at the age of 24 don’t have anything to lose.They knew you had a wife, but when one jump-off came out, each realized you had lied to them. Hell hath no fury like a jump-off lied to.

5 – Set the terms.
No overnights. No calls to the house (really, a smart cheater has more than one phone, GoogleVoice anyone?) No pictures (and if you’re even contemplating for a moment nekkid pics, don’t). Set up a separate email account. Always use condoms. Don’t have sex in your car. No time together on holidays. Do not go out in public or to any of the places you go to with your beloved.

Hey you know what? Sucks to be them, but if they’re willing to agree to those terms – and yes, I know people who have – then that’s their lot in life to accept. They made their bed, so they can sleep in it alone.

Oh, if all the above seems like too much work for you, then you shouldn’t be cheating in the first fucking place. Dumbass.

6 – Don’t fall in love.
It’s a “transgression” remember? Falling in love is what you did with the person you're cheating on.

7 – Don’t feel guilty.
Huh? You’re cheating on the love of your life, the mother/father of your children, your best friend and soul mate? But, you feel guilty? Awwww. Then, you my friend are a Dumbass. That’s right, you must go through with your transgression feeling no guilt, no remorse; as if you have the best of both worlds. If you can’t feel that way, then you shouldn’t be cheating or be in a relationship. That’s right, choose one. Do not pass GO, do not collect another jump-off. Choose.

8 – Expect to get caught.
Expect to find panties stuffed under the car seat. Expect a voicemail on the home line (because you didn’t pay attention to tip #5). Expect to slip up on a name in a moment of anger or passion. Expect that your beloved will notice a change in behaviour both in and out of the bedroom. Expect that one day you will be walking down the street with your beloved and see your jump-off staring at you in shock because they thought you were single (ah, you ignored tip #4, didn’t cha?). Expect that once caught out, that there will be a swift and possibly violent reaction. Expect to be caught on camera. Expect that there will be evidence. Expect that one day Maury Povich will say “Dumbass, you ARE the father!” Expect one or both people to break up with your cheating ass.

Because you got away with a one night stand, you are not an expert cheater, so yes, expect to get caught.

Well, there you have it.

Before the emails of condemnation come in, I will disclose: yes, I’ve been cheated on. Yes, I’ve been the girl who followed all of rules in tip #5. I’m not casting stones. I personally believe that if you are the type of person to cheat then you just shouldn’t bother with relationships. But at least try to mitigate the damage you’re about to do (already doing), and if you can’t follow tip #1, then expect all of tip #8 to smack you upside the head like 9-iron.

xoxo

1 - Tiger, Tiger.. Tiger. If you are going to cheat, pick discreet women. Not the "hostesses" of the world who are passed around like blunts at a hippie reunion.

2 - Guys: if you're thinking of cheating (and NO we do not endorse cheating over here at HLBB)...look at Tiger Wood's Christmas Card on the right and think "there but for the grace of obscurity, goes I..."


That is all,

xoxox

Oh, you didn't know? Yes, sweeties...newsflash: women cheat.

(I wait until you fully absorb that)

Women cheat. Not always. Not often. Usually with a lot of guilt and anger thrown in…but women cheat.

Here's the kicker: women who cheat, do it for the same reasons men do. I know, hard to believe. I'm not talking about playing the field, or a woman celebrating her inner Samantha Jones... I'm talking about your girlfriend, your wife, your boo, stepping out on you.

Why?

Did you not read the part a sentence ago about "same reasons"? Okay. So let me be specific. Your beloved did not turn into a whore overnight. She stepped out on the relationship because she couldn't find what she wanted at home anymore. Frustrated, angry, lonely; these are all very plausible reasons. Do they sound familiar? Of course they do! But, as you might've heard...it's not always about sex. Sure, sex is the end result, (whoooo!) but it could be, oh...FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU GUYS CHEAT! Have you ever done it? Cheated? Think about why you did. Okay. Now we can continue.

If you've never cheated, bravo...ask the other dudes who have why they do it, and we can continue.

Who?

It's not always the obvious...let's get that straight right now. You know the hot guy she works with that you met that day when you picked her up because they were stuck working late? Yeah, he's not prime suspect #1. Women are more subtle than that.You know her best friend, John? The one you thought was gay until she mentioned that John and his girlfriend just broke up? He could be a possibility, but not the first choice either.

But remember that weekend? When you had that fight about quality time or some bullshit like that? When she said she just wanted to have a girl's night out with her friends? You thought "good, I'll go out with the boys, or play NBA 2K10 online"? So she put on a cute top, sexy shoes, her BFF picked her up and she was home by 2:45?

Yeah. Did you ask her how the night went?

If she complained about the bouncer, the price of drinks, assholes hitting on them at the club, you're good. If she talked about how much fun she had, how drinks were comped by the manager, she met some new friends...well then you're okay. Because those lines of communication are open. Your girl got mad, went out and had a few drinks, blew off some steam and had some fun without your ass.

By the way - if she complains about men in any way to you...it's NOT to make you jealous...it's her way of saying "I'm happy I'm with you and not out there fending off these fools week after week".

But, if you get one of the following: "fine", "it was okay", "we had a good time"...she's not telling you something. Maybe that she received and enjoyed the attention of another man. What happens next is entirely up to her. She might've just danced and flirted with a guy or three. She might've had a drink or two purchased for her...how that falls on your personal "cheating/not cheating" scale varies. But she could've very well met someone she's going to put in her "back pocket".

The Back Pocket...that's what I call him. I had a girlfriend who had an on/off thing for two years with her boyfriend. They would fight, she'd call me up and instead of being my wingman, I ended up being hers (she’d leave the ring at home). She accepts the number, they talk...he texts the next day...she responds. They become "friends". She has now put him in her back pocket, just in case. Funny thing is, the last time she did this, the guy and I became friends and she and I no longer speak. I've never had the heart to tell him the girl he was hung up on just kept him in her back pocket until her boyfriend started to act right...

Her boyfriend's problem? Complacency and the inability to communicate.

If you've been complacent and figure "women don't cheat"? She is getting away with it. If you suspect something is up and don't say shit, then she is getting away with it right now. I'm not saying every guy she calls a friend is in her back pocket (and that includes John the not so gay guy) and you shouldn't treat them as such. Stepping to your potential threat is a bad tactical move. If you're wrong, you're screwed. If you're right? You will never get the truth.

How?

Women are MUCH better at the alibi and this is where you guys get cuckolded. If she is going to cheat on you, she'll do it up right. Her back up (a trusted friend) will call to make "plans", pick her up, and if you were to call that friend the next day - the story would be corroborated to the finest detail…without sounding rehearsed. How? We learned how to do this when we had to sneak out of our houses as horny teenaged girls. The code of silence with women is better than corrupt cops, MI5 or the FBI - you will not find out until after the relationship is dead and the file's released.

When?

Again. Not the obvious. She comes home late after a long night of work...she was working late. Mr. Back Pocket is a lunchtime thing, a late-night text or phone call, emails and chat messages (what we now call "emotional cheating"). If she has gone to the next step, then there will be "sleepovers" at the trusted friend’s house, calls from the other room...etc. If you've noticed a pattern of behaviour yet, you're right: women cheat the same way men do - just better. She may have never played Texas Hold 'Em, but her poker face is perfect. Deflection? She will throw in your face the same reasons she's cheating on you without ever admitting to cheating on you. Her accomplice may not be the best friend, so you can’t look there, because we can develop a network of trusted girls with a few sentences. All we have to do is paint you in a bad light and voila, justifiable relationship homicide.

NOT all women cheat (I don’t, so don’t shoot the messenger) but we all know how. How cheating women get away with it? You’re afraid to “pussy out” and ask. You think that by being vulnerable or opening that door that you’re being weak. You’re being stupid and that’s what she’s counting on. That YOU think that by asking how the relationship is going that you’re a punk.

Well, when I ask about her day or her night out, she accuses me of checking up on her! Yeah, if you ask about her life away from you when you think she’s getting away from you. Duh. All of a sudden you’re interested in what we did when previously you zoned out? Thanks for the head’s up…

Disclosure: I had a boyfriend a few years back who hated club and I love(d) dancing. I would go out with my girls and be home well before sunrise. I’d crawl into bed and he’d say (with a smirk) “how many tried to hit on you tonight?” If there were none, I’d say none. If there was any, I’d tell him. He in turn didn’t have to lie when he was going to strip club. We were good. One night, we had a screaming fight. I already had plans and went out. I came home just as the sky was getting light. He was awake…because he wanted to make sure I came home. He wasn’t going to sleep on that situation…

Guys, don’t sleep on the situation. Address it, keep communication open. Because if you don’t, she’s gonna reach in her back pocket…

I would love to do an HLBB post like this...email me if you're interested!

Okay, so some dude has created an app that can help a guy "manage" his girlfriends (imaginary I suspect)

The Amazing Girlfriend Manager

At first, I thought this was a joke, but I found out that you can buy this lovely little app in the iTunes store for only $0.99.

I chuckled a bit and then I decided to "create" my own in response to this...because really? Guys can't keep it together? Maybe, oh I dunno, sticking to one? Okay, for the playas out there, I'm asking too much.

So for my ladies...tell me what you think...or if you're a developer and want to partner up on this, lemme know!





xoxo

p.s. i'm not a designer, so forgive my rudimentary photoshop skills.

"what, uh happened was, that I was fixing my car, and I got tired. I got so tired, I didn't feel this girl jump up in my car. No baby I swear, I didn't feel her OR her girl taking my cellphone to send you the video. NO baby, I don't know how she knew you were my girl...she must've just chosen the last number I dialed. Baby, just listen. I don't know these hoes! See? See how they hafta shake me awake? They just trying to cause drama. Look woman, you ain't gonna love me when it hurts, this ain't gonna work... and how you gonna have GPS on my phone and not tell me woman?"

You know some brotha is gonna try this excuse...