This question was posed to me the other day and I was actually stumped for a moment. Why do people…specifically women have dealbreakers? Does this not mean that instead of focusing on the positive attributes in a man, you only are focusing on the negative? I looked deep within my soul, took a deep breath and replied: Well, would you date a fat chick?

Okay then, moving on…

Basically, we all have dealbreakers. It’s in our nature. But, I will say that I have heard of a lot more dealbreakers from women than I do from men. Basically guys just want a girl who doesn’t have a lot of baggage and doesn’t weigh so much that he can’t carry her out in case of a fire (thank my boss for that scenario).

If you remember the game show Let’s Make a Deal with good ol’ Monty, you know that people only had a few moments to decide if they were going to take what was behind door number 1 or door number 2. The same goes when she’s checking you out. Your outward appearance, demeanour, aura, (i.e. the stuff she can see) is that door. Just like the show, she can trade you in if she doesn’t think you’re of value. Why would she trade you in so soon? Here’s a list of some popular dealbreakers. Remember, these aren’t the heavy, relationship-type dealbreakers; this is the first impression type stuff.

Do you have a mirror?
Yes. Good. Did you take a good long look at yourself before leaving to go out? If you are over the age of oh…20, please stop wearing baggy jeans. Skinny hipster jeans are also a no-no; I’ve yet to meet a woman who finds them attractive.

Can I offer you some gum?
You have approximately 30 seconds to introduce yourself and get her name in return. If she can smell what you had for lunch or, as one girl put it to me “what you just threw up”, then you’re getting at best a pained smile and a fake name. Altoids, piece of gum, hell, even a Listerine strip will go a long way.

(Her) Love don’t cost a thing…
A woman of substance (i.e. non-gold digging princess types, y’know the ones you say are so hard to find) will not care if you have bottle service; it only proves that you can buy a bottle and not much more. Flashy clothes, jewels, teeth (ick, yeah I said it) etc etc blind us to whatever good qualities you may have.

Dress nice…
Let me clear up this misconception: “nice” doesn’t have to mean “expensive”. An average looking guy who is put together well, will do much better than a gorgeous guy who has no sense of style. Don’t know what “put together” means? Hire a stylist or invite a trusted female (who can be honest) to go through your closet and make some recommendations. “Nice” does not mean a suit and tie…clean kicks, a fresh smelling tee and jeans that don’t have mould growing on them will do just fine, provided that is your style. If you have any “Beer is better than…” or Ed Hardy t-shirts, just burn them.

Smell inviting…
If you wear a cable knit sweater in a club and wonder why you can’t get a girl to talk to you past midnight, I’d like to point out one little thing: you stink This also means that we should not be able to smell you five minutes before you come over to us and 10 minutes after you leave. Pick a fragrance that works with your body chemistry and smells inviting…that’s when we lean close to talk directly in your ear.

Go hard…then go home.
This is especially true if you’re in a club. Honey, you are there to have a good time. Could you crack a little bit of smile? You don’t think that we don’t see you before you approach do you? We watch that behaviour as well. And the arrogant, insulting “I don’t give a fuck” attitude guarantees that you won’t get a fuck either.

THIS POST IS INTERACTIVE - we want to hear from you!

Ladies…am I missing any? Send me a tweet with the hashtag #dealbreaker

Got your own dealbreaker story? Send in webcam story via email and we’ll add it to our YouTube channel!

The following conversation has been paraphrased...

6 months ago

Her: I’m available…

Him: well, I got work/school/stuff/a sporting event/something

Her: Oh, I figured because we had been out a few times/dating a few months exclusively/slept together last night that you were interested?

Him: Yeah, I’m just…uhm. Busy, with stuff. I’ll call you…

Present day

Her: oh hey, what’s up?

Him: well we haven’t talked in a while…

(Her thinking: yeah, because you stopped calling)

Him: so, uh what’s up? Wanna do something? Meet up for coffee or something?

Her: well, I’m seeing someone and I don’t think he’d appreciate it…

Him: oh. Is it serious?

Her: well, it’s new but –

Him: so you wanna meet up for coffee? Because you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and I was --

Oh. Please. Stop.

I’ve heard this story time and time again from women. I have had so many versions of that conversation that I had to paraphrase, or it would gone on for days. So, guys, one of you, please tell me where it is written that the “if she’s hot for you, you must be cold to her approach” works? Or if she’s well, moved on and stopped waiting for you call, that you must start calling again because out of phone means out of mind?

WHERE is this written? Maxim’s advice column? AskMen.com? Advice passed down from the elders generation after generation? Where?

Because we need to quash this right now.

This does not achieve anything.

In a perfect world, you would’ve been ready for her when she was ready for you. But you weren’t. She wasn’t it. You had other options, she wasn’t as hot, and you were genuinely really busy with work or school or something and didn’t have time exclusively for her. Okay.

But now that you can’t have her, why must you try so hard NOW?

This does not stir up feelings like it does on TV. This frustrates women. Your midnight epiphany could be with the best of intentions, but you declare your feelings like this and we don’t generally think “oh! He’s come around!” we think “what the fuck?!?”

It’s a love game. There are no winners.

You could’ve been dating two girls at once and let this one go for the other. That’s fair. What’s not fair, is that you think the one you let go is on standby. Even if she didn’t move on to someone else and you just saw her one day and had that conversation on the corner that lasted 5 minutes where you realized she got really hot/was really a good catch after all/wasn’t trying to lock you down, you should NOT call/Facebook or email.

Women are like buses. You missed the ride on this one…so be on time for the next one or get to walking.

Conversation with one of my girls the other day:

“…he is so annoying! Disagrees with everything I say at meetings, critiques my work, tries so hard to always one-up me. But the part I don’t get is that if he hates me so much, WHY does he always have to be on my projects? So that I can make him look good?”

Me: “he likes you. Remember when you were elementary school, and a boy liked you? I mean, liked you liked you? So when you saw you, he made fun of you, pulled your hair, grabbed your bag and made mocking noises every time you spoke?”

Her: “yeah...”

Me: “I suspect that Annoying Boy, who from what you’ve told me is your equal at work and therefore doesn’t need you to look good, likes you. I mean likes you likes you.”

Her: “oh. You think?”

Me: “yeah”

Her: “but we’re not kids anymore…”

Guys, I will now ask you to pull out your wallets (no, not for money) and check your ID. Driver’s license, Health Card, Citzenship, Passport… something with your photo and your date of birth. Once you do that, check the photo. Is it you? Good. Check the year of birth. If it’s anything dated before 1997, then remind yourself of this: you are not a kid anymore…

Women figure that the “I like you so I must be a jerk to you” phase ended, oh… somewhere after grade 6. So, when you act anything like Annoying Boy from the above example, we don’t think it’s cute, we think you’re immature. Yes. Immature. It is hard to express feelings, trust me I know, but women have had enough trouble in their (adult) dating lives to try and decipher what you meant by your backhanded comments, rude behaviour or general all around jerk-ness. Mind you, there are some girls out there who love the “loves me/loves me not” thing and those girls also need to check their IDs.

If you want a girl and not a woman, then you can stop reading. If you think that manning up about your feelings means hiding them behind a veil of jerk-ness, you can stop reading. We’re separating the boys from the men in this post.

You do not want to be accused of playing head games, right? Take this short quiz:

The object of your affection shows up wearing an outfit that you would love to see on your bedroom floor. Do you:
a) make a joke about the ensemble and secretly gawk at her, memorizing the outfit and storing it in your spank bank database?
b) Say “you look…hot” and say nothing more (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?
c) Say “you’re looking really nice today…what’s the occasion?” or something like that (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?

You work with the object of your affection, and in a meeting she says something you wished you had said. Do you:
a) automatically disagree with it, just to get a rise out of her (because she’s kinda hot when she’s pissed)?
b) nod quietly and add this to the list of things you admire about her?
c) offer your own intelligent observation and then compliment her after on her comments via email or chat, somehow showing that you were paying special attention to what she was saying (in a non-creepy, non-stalker kind of way)?

The object of your affection makes contact with you (phone, text, BBM, Ping, Tweet…whatever) to ask you a yes/no question. Do you:
a) give a dumbass answer in order to prolong the conversation?
b) you decline to answer right away so that you have another shot at talking to her?
c) provide her with her answer and ensure you have a way to continue to keep the topic alive?

Results
If you answered mostly A’s – you’re Annoying Boy who sends mixed signals.
If you answered mostly B’s – awww...you’re shy. Work on getting over that a little or you’ll never get the girl.
If you answered mostly C’s – look at your girlfriend and say “I told you I was the shit…”

So, if you like her, I mean like her like her…be a good boy and man the fuck up.

Guys, when it comes to romance, you can’t just catch a fucking break. To quote Ne-Yo, you love her ‘cause she got her own…but heaven help you if you try to open a door, pay the bill at dinner, or try to fix something in her house, right? Yes, the age of Miss Independent is upon you but then, Keri Hilson says:

Diamonds a girl's best friend, if you can provide them/ I might even act a fool while you're hittin' it…

So Miss Independents are still best friends with Diamonds? What the fuck? I know hunny bunnies, it’s confusing. So, I asked the question via Twitter and email today: is romance/chivalry dead? Well…this is what they’re saying.

Via twitter: romance is probably more dead than chivalry. romance requires thought & effort…not dead but it has a bad case of the swine flu and may not recover in a lot of areas. Prognosis isn't good...And they're not gentlemanly enough these days…I don't think it’s dead. But I think women these days are too independent to always appreciate it…

Via email: It’s dead. Feminism killed it…I don’t think men know how. They think because I like sports that I can’t also like flowers…They don’t know how to be sexy/ flirty, they think 2 a.m. booty calls are sexy. They aren’t…he asked me out via text message. I never responded.

It got me wondering, in this day and age; what IS romance? How do you romance a Miss Independent who wants to go dutch on the bill, open her own doors and stresses that she wants you but doesn’t NEED you?

Well, I think it’s two little words (RELAX! I said TWO not 3 little words…):

Little Luxuries.

Put away your wallets, and take notes…it’s NOT what you’re thinking.

I was told this story today: A guy she’s been out on a few dates with learned that she liked red wine. Knowing that she had a long day at work, he asked if he could stop by for a short visit and maybe bring by a bottle of wine. She said sure… he came by with wine and some chopped logs for her fireplace. He was gonna leave…he didn’t have to.

Our technology allows us to have instant responses, but guys, connections take more time than that. Try calling before texting every once in a while and try, I dunno, leaving a voicemail? The sound of your voice to say I’ll be there in 20 minutes? Much better than the text (even if she texts like she invented the damn thing). I have watched a woman’s face light up when that name appears on the call display…

The key is that these gestures have to be genuine and cannot be something that your buddy did for his girl. Because unless you like polygamy, I’m guessing your girl is not his girl…you have to find out what works for your girl or the girl you’re interested in or the girl you want to sleep with. Whatever means to your ends.

It’s easy to quote Ne-Yo, Maxwell, Robin et all… but make a line like “you can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice” work for you? It has to be sincere, which is why women love that song. Romance is NOT a bouquet of flowers (unless she likes flowers). It’s singing her favourite slow song in her ear when no one else is around…it’s holding her hand instead of your Blackberry in public…it’s greeting her with a slow kiss hello instead of a peck on the cheek…it’s calling her at 2 p.m. to say you want to do nasty things to her instead of at 2 a.m.

This is what I’m being told guys and this is what I mean by little luxuries - she will luxuriate in these moments, these gestures...just as much as the other stuff. It’s about finding out what puts a smile on her face and consistently doing it every time…try it. Tell me how it goes.


xoxo

Never offer to treat a woman like a Princess if she's already the Queen of her kingdom...

xoxo

Lucky for me...these apps don't exist. I have an ex who would love this.
Guys: this is a parody; please don't try this at home (or anywhere else for that matter)

I guess that today is national "Try to Chop a Chick on Twitter Day"... 2 of my girls and myself (!) were...approached....wait, uhm...
had advances made...no, that doesn't sound right...
addressed by?

See, I don't even know how to refer to it! Any how, let me refer to it the way my instinct tells me to: some damn fool thought he could get in.

I will use my example:

My girl, the Quiz Queen @darlingnicky999,is a loyal BlackBerry user. I love my iPhone. Earlier today she said: I'm a true BB'er for life. Getting an iPhone would be like becoming a lesbian. I wrote back (to her) "hey! I'm straight!" Those who know me or follow me and my loyal "there's an app for that comments" would get the joke.

But no, out of nowhere comes "@idiotboy" (not his real ID) with this:

@herlilblackbook aha .... So what's ur bb pin then ??

1 - he doesn't know me to get the joke... I understand.
2 - I also understand that Twitter is a conversation, so that anything I say can be commented on by others...totally cool.
3 - and if he was say, a follower of @darlingnicky999 (and really, everyone should be) and was cracking a joke...fine

BUT 1 - @idiotboy just joined today
2 - see photo... these are the ONLY tweets he's posted today
3 - he's not following @darlingnicky999

Dude...seriously? So, it irked me. And when I'm irked I get really snarky. Using my favourite movie...I responded:

@idiotboy Hi!! Since ur new to twitter, this should help: The first rule of Tweet Club is, you do not hit on women on twitter...

@idiotboy the second rule of tweet club, is you DO NOT HIT ON WOMEN ON TWITTER http://twitpic.com/eieru

@idiotboy #3 if someone says stop....stop.

@idiotboy#4 visit the blog... herlilblackbooktheblog.blogspot.com :)

I'm sure this will earn an "unfollow", but oh well. Which got me thinking about bad social media etiquette...and then, BOOM! Two more women made the same complaint.

Guys: who the fuck told you this was okay? It's NOT!!


Recently I've had MySpace friend requests from randoms, Facebook adds... the kind where the guy adds you, you see that you have people in common abut you've never met them, blah blah blah. And I know that asking for a pin is just like getting a phone number but... There is a time and URL for everything. The next video we shoot will ask for some do's and don'ts - stay tuned...video this week. If you have some comments of your own...post them here or on twitter with the hash tag #twitterdo or #twitter don't.

What I love about HLBB is that we get to discuss and discover the stuff that is usually said behind closed doors, over drinks or at a girls night out...

Guys, my girl darlingnicky999 has started a weekly poll (so if you're not following her, you should) where she posts 10 questions starting at noon EST and posts the results between 8 and 9 pm EST.

Mark your calendars: every WEDNESDAY, she asks the guys 10 questions about women and every THURSDAY she asks women for their honest opinions about men/relatioships/sex.

This week's questions and answers (Women about Men) are...drum roll please...!

Who would you go to first with big juicy news? Your Best Friend or your Boyfriend?
95% of you would tell your BEST FRIEND juicy news before telling your boyfriend/husband. (BFF could be male, that's alright).

What are you more self conscious about? Acne or Stretch Marks?
90% of you women are more self-conscious about acne than stretch marks.

Do you lie about your sexual past? Partners, etc? If so, how much?
Regarding lying abt yr sexual history....it was all ovr the place. sum used 2 & dont anymore. sum still do. sum nevr did.

Underwear – boxers, briefs or boxer/briefs?
Regarding Men's undergarments------Boxer-briefs got just under 2/3 of the vote. Followed by boxers. Lastly briefs.

Do you watch porn?
With regards to whether the LADIES watch porn.....kudos to those who told the truth…about 1/2 of you said YES straight up. Some of you said YES, but don't enjoy it, and a few said no, not at all.

Perfect first date? Expensive dinner? Dinner and a movie? Coffee and dessert? (he’s paying)
65% of you said that a movie/dinner is the ideal date, and most of you would offer to pay for part. Coffee shop took the rest.Nobody cared for the expensive fine dining. (Good news for your wallets fellas).

Wise words from Nicky - My take. The greatest loves of my life have been founded on rich minds, rich chemistry, and rich in humour. I'm a coffee shop girl.

Would you give ORAL if you knew it wasn’t going to be given?
With regards to giving ORAL, with no receiving of it...90% of ladies said they WOULD ABSOLUTELY still give!!!!!!! Bear in mind that several ladies said that this couldn't be a permanent situation, but they wouldn't withhold. (very evolved,impressed)

Would you date a guy who couldn’t dance…like NO rhythm?
50% of you said you WOULD date a guy with no dance skills. 50% of you said HELL no. (wow......presshah)

Wise words from You don't need to be a Jabbawockee, but you need to bring something to the dance floor. Especially if we takin' a wine.

Would you date a guy who had bad credit or had declared bankruptcy?
Regarding guys with bad credit. a few NO's. Most said that the credit issues need to be addressed before marriage. some said NP.

Would you marry a guy that your parents HATED?
75% of you WOULD marry a guy your parents hated. The rest obviously chose to side with the parentals.

Partner, lemme upgrade you.

I'm not just talking what you consume, but how much you consume. I'm not saying you have to order Courvoisier because you heard it in a song a few years back. So I want you to ask yourself: what's your drink? Some women judge a man by how and what they drink. I used to think I was the only one, but I found a few more out there so I thought I'd let you in on the secret. You're out one night and see the one you want at the bar and decide to place an order. You may even offer her one and she might even accept.What you order for yourself can say a lot about you.
Question: have you been drinking Heineken all night? Great. Then don't do what this guy did:

She likes vodka...he asks what she's drinking and she says "vodka tonic", he then orders two vodka tonics and says "don't use Smirnoff". He looks at her and says "Smirnoff is shit, I normally drink Belvedere"
Her: but you were just drinking Heineken? Him: ah, I just felt like having a beer, but normally I drink vodka.

Okay idiot boy, you're now mixing your drinks (hello hangover!) which just screams “amateur”, she knows you're talking out your ass about vodka and that the only reason you're name checking Belvedere is because Hov did it first. And in this case, the girl was drinking Smirnoff, so you've just insulted her. Thumbs up!

Rule #1 - stay true to yourself...if you're a beer drinking dude, then stick with the beer. She’ll admire that more than your newfound “sophisticated” tastes.

Speaking of insulting... this one happened to me a while back…

Him: what you drinking there? Me: Manhattan (vermouth, bourbon, bitters and a cherry) Him: is that like that the Sex and the City drink? Doesn't look very girly, youknowwhatimsayin'?. Me: it's not, it's a little stronger… Him: so you're drinking a guy's drink then? Me: yes, because I'm a pre-op transsexual

Rule #2 - alcohol really has no gender... okay, I know it's looks a little less masculine for a guy to be drinking a sex on the beach if he's not near one. So if she’s shooting whisky? Great and if your drink is purple? Fine… enjoy. Just be able to order in confidence.

But this one has got to be my favourite, I’ve experienced it and watched it happen…

Him: "let's do shot/buy a bottle of____" Her: "okay, but I don't drink ___________" He then orders shots or a bottle of the unwanted alcohol because “she'll like it”. Why? Because he likes it, and she’s just never had it “this way”

SMDH.

Rule #3 - if she doesn't want to drink it, don't impose! Tsk tsk tsk.

But probably the worst complaint of all - and this is for the guys who have girlfriends. If you are stumbling around drunk and she has to take care of you. She'll remember.

She'll remember every time she had to hold you back from getting into a fight, or hold your head...

She’ll remember the drunk booty call at 2 a.m or the I just called/texted to say "I love you" at 4 a.m. (no, they’re not cute)

She’ll remember getting you food so you won't be hung over or, nurse you the next day through said hangover.

She'll do it because she cares about you. But do it often enough and you'll be shit out of luck, back at that bar, trying to impress some girl with your knowledge of vodka.

What's your take on interracial dating...?

Yea? Nay?

For those guys who are trying to bag a cougar…a bit of advice.

Today’s tale is about Charlie Brown. That’s his alias, because well, he kinda looks like him. I met Charlie Brown through a group of friends; he works within the organization that they work in and since one of my friends is his boss, it was inevitable that we would meet. At parties, we’d all chill, talk about all sorts of stuff and hang out. One day last year, Charlie Brown asks for my number because he wants to pick my brain about something. He never calls. Me? Not bothered in the least because I didn’t feel like he was trying to hit on me…but then again, I couldn’t tell. Charlie Brown wasn’t born in North America, English is not his first language and sometimes, I find it hard to understand him.

A year goes by...The friends throw another party, Charlie stops by and I find out that he’s recently been to Jamaica for a vacation, courtesy of my friend’s dad, who hosted him while he was there. My friend’s dad jokes that on his next visit Charlie should bring me.

Me: Pops… when you’re a young single man, you don’t bring sand to the beach.

Pops: Oh, I think Charlie would like it.

Charlie: *shrugs*

Me: C’mon! Guys Charlie’s age - (to Charlie) how old are you anyways?

Charlie: 24

Pops: not yet, he’s 23

Good grief!

Now, I had gathered that he was younger than me, but a whole bloody decade?! AND, in that circle of friends, he’s at least decade younger than everyone. Well, since that party 2 weeks ago Charlie’s been using the number he didn’t use last year, and showing up places that I’m at. In fact, tonight, I was headed to a friend’s place on the other side of the city and he was just rollerblading by!

Yes, now he’s everywhere I don’t want him to be. FML.

Charlie once told me that he has heard women in their 30s complain that the men in their 30s (and beyond) are too busy working to focus on their relationships, their families or even “casual interferences” (which I thought was a cute euphemism at the time). There could be an argument for that, but that’s not why I’m writing. I’m in my 30s… I’m not a Cougar. There is a reason Cougars (those 40 and up) date 20 year olds and 30 year olds don’t.

My girls who are in their 30s and still single are busy. They’re gone from working at their job towards building their career. They’re buying homes. They’re thinking about children and NO, not because biological clocks are ticking or anything…but there are things you want to have done by a certain time in your life, so that later on, you can slow it down a bit. Yes, we want to have “casual interferences”, and sometimes we slug it out with the men our age (or older) in hopes of taking the “casual” to a “relationship”. But this is why the Cougar comes into existence. She was so busy experiencing, building and (sometimes) restarting her life, that one day she sat down and figured out the Cougar formula:

The Cougar Formula

“ME”

+ Lessons learned in my 20s

+ Status and security gained in my 30s

- Kids who are (almost ready to leave home)

- Husband/significant other

+ A body at its peak (in all ways)

+ Time to think about ME again

= RECESS!

Look at everyone’s favourite Cougar: Demi. She was married, had her 3 babies divorced, reached top levels of her career and could slow it down a bit by the time she hit her 40s. Or, how about Kim Cattrall? Both on screen and in real life, she headed out to frosh week to get her latest man. Had they met these guys when they were in their 30s, those boys wouldn’t have stood a chance. Never mind the fact that these guys were still in HIGH SCHOOL back then, no guy in his 20s would’ve stood a chance with them, okay?

Before you point it out…

I KNOW that a lot of it does have to do with maturity levels and stage of life, but:

• When your pants are hanging so low that I feel compelled to tell you to pull them up…
• When “old skool” means the “New Jack Swing” or “Grunge”…
• When you’ve only seen the Cosby show in reruns…
• If you think a skateboard is an acceptable way to commute to work…
• When you don’t have OACs, because you no longer had to take them…
• When you think it’s cool that I have a “real job” with lots of responsibilities…
• When you don’t know that “AC Slater” is the guy hosting America’s Next Dance Crew…
• When going out at night involves pictures going up on Facebook the next day…
• When you wonder why I’m going to “another” friend’s wedding or baby shower…

and/or

• When I can remember what I was doing the year you were born…

Then sweetie, you’re too young for me.

I will figure out a way to let Charlie Brown know (nicely) that he’s too young for me. Right now, he’s being persistent…if he’s gets pushy, I’m gonna have to push back. I’m rejecting him not simply because of chronology, but because we are at different stages of our lives…he’s experiencing and I’m building. I don’t feel like being his experience, I don’t feel like teaching a young pup new tricks, and I don’t feel like babysitting.

At the end of the day...I want to play with someone (closer to) my own age...

If anyone knows how I can let Charlie Brown down, nicely please go to the site, leave a comment here, or hit me up on twitter - suggestions are very welcome right now! All I've been doing is avoiding the calls and if he does catch me, I've been playing the "busy card". For instance, he wanted to go for a drink tonight, I said I was busy (always true), and then he saw me heading to my friend's place... I did not elaborate on the purpose of my visit (which was to eat food and watch UFC fights while planning another HLBB shoot)... I think he drew his own conclusion...

I'll keep you posted...


UPDATE #1 - July 15/09 - my point proven - Kim Cattrall just split up with her younger man
Cream World Mag's Blog

The "friend" quoted says - "They realized that they were at different points in their lives. They still care about each other and will remain friends."

Mmm hmm...

"what, uh happened was, that I was fixing my car, and I got tired. I got so tired, I didn't feel this girl jump up in my car. No baby I swear, I didn't feel her OR her girl taking my cellphone to send you the video. NO baby, I don't know how she knew you were my girl...she must've just chosen the last number I dialed. Baby, just listen. I don't know these hoes! See? See how they hafta shake me awake? They just trying to cause drama. Look woman, you ain't gonna love me when it hurts, this ain't gonna work... and how you gonna have GPS on my phone and not tell me woman?"

You know some brotha is gonna try this excuse...

Hmmm,

I will be the first to admit that I'm not nice. I'm a bitch.

I think my attitude is a huge contributing factor in the kind of men that approach me. For years my joke has been that guys who approach me are either a) really drunk b) really brave or c) really horny.

I was working the other night and met a cute guy...okay I met one GORGEOUS guy and one cute guy, but tried to keep it professional, y'know? One invited himself to my hotel for a private after party (uh...?) and the other sent me an email (we were all working at the event in different capacities). It was Gorgeous who invited himself to my room, and Cute who emailed me.

I called Cute back the next day as I made my way back to the city. We chatted, he then said it would have be cool if I stayed in town another evening, because we could've hung out that evening (his email suggested a drink).

I thought "cool"...so we ended up making tentative plans to meet up after he went to a dinner. We agreed to a nightcap, then he said he wouldn't be able to make it to the city until well after last call. No suggestion of what activity we might do...

So you know what activity he was thinking of...

Really? I'm only half surprised, though.

I explained that I would be making it an early nigh, because I had event to go to the next night and I had to still be at my desk for my day job on Monday. He writes back and later one writes that he only got in at 5 a.m., to which I said "sounds like you had a good time" he writes back "it would've been better if we had hooked up"

Urk.

In my opinion the definition of "hooking up" is way too fluid and depends on the hour it's used at.
If a guy says at 12 p.m. "you wanna hook up"? It could mean actually going out somewhere and doing something; if the same thing is said at 12 a.m., it means something different and the words "hook" and "up" become one word. I wrote back that I wanted a definition of what he meant. Because while Gorgeous flirted with me all night (making it hard to remain professional...damn that Dolce and Gabbana cologne!) Cute really didn't. In fact, I had no clue he was interested in me beyond a professional level, until I got his email saying that he missed out on saying goodnight to me...

He wrote back that hookup could mean whatever I wanted it to mean at any hour.

Le sigh.

I told my girl P about it and she said, "you need to tell him how sleazy he's coming off right now, lol". Agreed. So I wrote back

"I like my clothes and tend to keep them on..."

And then (because he's a DJ) I sent him a link to this song:



Mmmhmm... I did.

He wrote back, that he loves the song but that Jermaine was wrong.

SMDH. He going in that pile with all the rest.

I'm NOT gorgeous... so I really have struggled to figure out why I always get this invite. I've even asked my guy friends why is it guys go straight for the "kill" with me? Is it in the vibe I give off?

Guys, this will be my topic for the next video (will shoot it next weekend, even if I can't get my regular camera guy): what do women think when you do this?

As for me, he's cute, we have stuff in common, but he has committed a major FAIL with his comments. What turned into drinks, and what could've turned into something else might not be.

I'm not frigid, it just turns me off when it's the first thing I'm asked; and before anyone asks, I tend to be more covered than 90% of the women in the room, so please don't even suggest it's the way I dress! I like movies, I eat food...why can't I sistah get an invite to dinner or a movie? Normally, I would discount him because he's a DJ and when I hear that I automatically think of Jemini's "No More Dating DJs"; and now, he's got a strike against him. What do you think sweeties, should I give him a chance to redeem himself or should I leave him in that pile with the others?

My girl P has said "I'm gonna introduce you to some good guys tonight!" So I'll keep you posted.

I'll leave the fate of Cute up to you guys - vote here or on twitter

xoxo

p.s. Gorgeous' number is in my back pocket...

Chemistry is traditionally defined as:the science of matter; the branch of the natural sciences dealing with the composition of substances and their properties and reactions

In dating, is there really such a thing and should it be called chemistry? My boy D and I just spent an hour talking about it (not that we don't spend hours talking about stuff in general). But I still can't put my finger on it... what IS it exactly?

He thinks it starts with physical attraction and grows from there (well, that's how it worked with his current girlfriend)

I think that it's something that's more like a feeling and that it goes beyond the first meeting.

He thinks feeling comfortable with that person and being compatible is equal to chemistry.

I think there needs to be some sort of spark...

Let me stress: sparks do NOT equal drama, I've had enough drama in my life and do not encourage it. But I fully admit, I do want that spark. For me, it's that sense of anticipation, even while you're with the person. That feeling that each time you see them it's new and not the same old, same old...some sort of visceral reaction...

My past relationship modus operandi has been: meet a guy, be friends with them for a year or two, and then one day, the declaration happens. He says "we should be more than friends..." and depending on the timing in my life, I've said yes or no. I realized that this m.o. stretches back to my very first boyfriend. I had great chemistry with each of them, but it was the friend kind of chemisty that we then tried to make into a relationship...sometimes successful (5 1/2 years as a couple)...sometimes not so much (3 months as a couple).

While reviewing this m.o. with D, I said "in my next relationship..."

I'm a happily single woman who doesn't give much thought to having a boyfriend, so for him to hear me talk about having one signals to him that I want a boyfriend. So, once he stopped laughng, he asked for I.D. and then once the rude little fucker confirmed that I hadn't been replaced with a robot, asked what was wrong with the guys I had met lately, and why none of them could be boyfriend material. Beyond the fact that most of the guys that I've mentioned to him lately have been old friends (which would fit my standard m.o.) there's been one thing missing. That chemistry, that rapport I have with them as friends, I don't see it translating into something else...

I also just want to meet a guy, have that spark, date for a bit, and then one day...have that "okay, we've been dating for a few months..." status check type of conversation. The way my schedule is, I honestly find it hard to develop a relationship, so the above scenario is very much a fantasy. But I will say this:my next relationship needs to have "boyfriend/girlfriend" chemistry.

He thinks that there are a couple of contenders that I should give a chance to, as he believes they would have that declaration ready, if I ever gave the signal that I was open to hearing it (and no, he's not one of them) But c'mon now, I've known one of them for 10 years! You think he would've said something by now! He's in that "friend zone" and he's not moving out of it. Besides, after each relationship ended, I lost the friend as we were never able to go back to what it was...I'm not interested in ruining any more friendships.

For now, I've reworked the definition to create my own for dating: Chemistry is the science of personalities; the branch of the male/female relationship dealing with the composition of individuals, their properties and reactions. But as the sun rises, I'm still left wondering: does chemistry exist? Is it an ideal or something real? Is it that easy rapport you have with another person or is it fireworks? Is it something you have to maintain or does it come naturally?

Or is it something that you just know? (grr, I hate those things)

Well, I was gonna post a new video about "sexiness" and then stumbled upon this one:





"Secret Light"? I'm so very curious.

Whoo hoo...

In the lab for a bit and came out (semi) victorious... I'm not a web designer, not a graphic designer, nothing, so I'm pleased with how the site has turned out (and I did it all by m'self!)

I now know things like favicons, in-line frames and embedding... feeling geeked out now. Dunno if you're reading this via the site or stumbled upon us via blogger feeds, but hi there... how are ya?

There was some thought that we would have a facebook page, but that seems very last year, and I hate the Fbook layout. So, since we only need to ask questions and get answers - I set up a twitter account. Oh! Someone told me that I could add a twitter feed to blogger...but I've had enough tech talk for the past few weeks.

A friend of a friend of a friend has secured a couple of locations for us to shoot future segments, yaay! Won't be subjected to doing streeters in the freezing cold anymore... check back often we start shooting in May.

Today's question: "why is it when women go out they travel in packs of 3s"

Anyone? Answers? Let me know