(or how not to use the "unique" approach in order to pick up women)

Well, I've told you about The Gimp and the Pussy Predator I now need tell you about our dance with The Devil. Lucifer approached us as we were standing outside and extended my hand as if to shake it. This was off-putting for some reason, because he didn't say anything, he just stuck out his hand. No smile (well, a little smile), no hello...he just stuck out his hand. I just looked at it. He then turned 30 degrees and without saying anything, offered the hand to Girlfriend #1...she too looked at it. My Friendly Girlfriend was the last person to be offered the hand and she was nice.Thus spake The Devil:

"Hello. I want to become friends with you ladies. How do I do that?"

Girlfriend #1 and I are still staring blankly at him. Trying to figure out his angle, we waited. Thus spake The Devil again:

"My name is 'Luke'. You look nice, and you look nice, and you look nice. I want to be friends. Do you ladies live in Toronto?"

Well, I do, Girlfriend #1 and the Nice Girlfriend don't. He then clarifies that for him, "Toronto" includes not only the GTA, but the surrounding suburbs. The Nice Girlfriend says "so...basically for you,'Toronto' means 'Ontario'...but I take it you're not from Toronto?" (The Devil has an accent) He says:

"No, I am from Heruuul" (damn accent)

We all lean in and ask him to repeat himself.

"HERULL"

What now?

"H-E-L-L. Hell. So will you ladies give me your number so that I can call you and we can become friends?"

Yeah. Just like that. All three of us physically reel back.

Me: "like, seriously? You mean you're from Hell, Alberta? I know that there is a city called Hell somewhere, but..." (NB: It's actually in Michigan)

Him: "No. May I have your numbers?"

Okay, so he's dressed in a blazer (with a pocket square), speaks very formal, has an accent and just said he was from HELL. No explanation, no back story. The last time a guy ever said he was from Hell when he introduced himself to a bunch of women was This Guy.I'm just saying.

Him: "So can you ladies give me advice on how to make friends?"

Me: "you're asking the wrong person man, I'm not nice"

He persists in asking for advice and Girlfriend #1 and I agree that he should befriend friendly people (which we weren't).

Me: "So, Luke is like short for Lucifer?"

Him: "Why are you on this "Lucifer" thing?"

Listen bud, I remember some of the stories before I was kicked out of Sunday School. Don't try to distract me with mind games!

Me: DUDE! You said you were from HELL and you're wondering why I'm asking if you're Lucifer?!?

He makes fun of my outburst and then says, "so, is that it?"

Girlfriend #1: "girl, you need to blog this..."

Nice Girlfriend: "yes, and call it 'I'm in HELL right now'..."

Him: "that is it then."

Yes, Lucifer.That's it. You have failed. What was the moral of the story here? If you're going to go for the "unique" open...SMFH. I have no idea what to say to this! If you are going to try to unique open, be unique...NOT scary. The Jack the Ripper approach is not one to even attempt on Halloween.

Lucifer walked away in defeat and headed West. Or so we thought. A few guys who had been listening to the exchange spoke up to tease us (thanks...). They then point out that Lucifer has headed off defeated. To the East. Wait, we saw him go West. The 3 bandidas look West and...he's not there. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone...

Me: "does anyone else smell fire and brimstone?!?!"

Later, Lucifer came back into the club and slipped Girlfriend #1 his number. With a shake of her head, he was dismissed and no, his number was not 416-666-6666. We left the number sitting in the club. I took a picture of it... I may give it to the next person who asks me if I've heard the good word or something. We know who saves souls, who is going to save his game?

Guys - I want to know how you would've done this better...post your responses below!

Seriously?



1. You know how many women probably said "no"?
2. I bet most of the yes's only said yes because it was on camera...

Oh, this is a doozy. If I wasn't there, I would've thought this was made up...out again last night with two of my girls and if you've been following, then you know that this can only go one way.

Picture this: we were at a club called Tokia for a party called Electric Youth. Toika is a small venue; you can easily scan 95% of the room from one spot. Great for intimate parties, a good time, specialty events, but NOT for what the Pussy Predator did:

The Pussy Predator started on his game as soon as he walked in the door, spotting me and my girls at the entrance, he started to throw out compliments and lines as he walked past. I don't know what he said to me, because he actually said it to my breasts. A few minutes later, we were all on the dance floor and right away he went in on my girl. Now, she's nice. Friendly. I'm not. So, for her, if someone says hi, compliments her dancing and dances with her, her attitude is "hey it's a party, we're here to have fun, why do I need to be a bitch?". Me? I don't have an off switch for the bitch.

Remember the sign at the zoo that says "don't feed the animals"? This is what I consider to be feeding the animal. With the Pussy Predator, the slightest smile or gesture is automatically interpreted as a green light. Guys, it is the Pussy Predators of the world that ruin it for you when you try to genuinely approach a girl.

He chatted up my girl...bought her a shot...essentially lined up his prey. BUT why he's just a Predator and not a Player is that he spent no time reading the room, or any signals from my girl. Had he stopped to pay attention, he wouldn't have bothered. He ignored the Mother Hen (me), Miss Disinterested (my other girl) and thought that after 30 seconds of convo, that he had built up a rapport with my girl. Way to go Pedro... You have no game and I now know you suck at foreplay...

When he finally realized that he didn't have a chance...he moved on. To a girl a few feet away. Uhm...dude? Mr. Pussy Predator? WE CAN STILL SEE YOU!!

When that failed, he moved on to another girl: me.

Let me repeat that.

When that failed, he moved on to another girl: me. FAIL FAIL FAIL. Never approach the Mother Hen! Now, you may be thinking that he was trying to butter me up (as he should've been doing) but no, full on with the lines and comments about how I look. I'm guessing he recognized my boobs from 1o minutes ago...

Off he went to the girl across the room, remember: the room is only about 50 steps wide. So I saw that attempt

Then back to the girl at the bar...back to my girl....back to me...over to another girl who was friends with the girl across the room...and on and on. Then, after the photographer took his photo, he tried to dance and chat her up too.

Sigh. But always back to square one. My girl goes outside for a smoke, he's there. She comes inside, he's there. After attempting, and failing to dancing with her, a couple of times, he saw me...yay.

I wear glasses so when I'm dancing, I periodically take them off. So when he saw me, he saw I had no glasses on this time. He asked what happened to them and I held them up, confused. Frankly, I was surprised that he noticed my glasses (I didn't think he was looking that high) He leaned in and said:

"They look good. They're sexy. (dramatic pause, smile) Put 'em on."

Okay, so I'm supposed to oblige to what was a creepy request because...? Your lip is curled in an attempt to look sexy, you made a declaration instead of a request in an effort to sound authorative, and about a minute ago you were trying to whisper in my girl's ear and about 3 minutes before that, you had a girl pressed up against the wall?

Remember, it's a small club... WE CAN ALL SEE YOU!!

It's the law of averages, I understand. The more you hit on, the better your chances. I get it. BUT this only works in a large spaced out venue. When every girl you hit on can see you hit on other girls...you fail. I mean literally every single girl. Probabaly didn't get the names of any of them. He left with his friends and I didn't see him say goodnight to any of his prey...I witnessed him dance, chat up, etc with about 8-10 girls, but leave with his boys.

Guys, if your prey is only the pussy...cool. Just pick a bigger pool to choose from.

About Pussy Predators in general: they are ruining it for everyone else. Girls get the Pussy Predator so many times that when a guy who is really looking to meet her, he get shot down because all she can hear is "I want the pussy!" As my boy D put it when I told him the story, he could ask a girl if she knows where the bathroom is and her response has been "I got a man." He asked where the bathroom was, she heard "I want the pussy!" You know what Pussy Predators get? They get 3 a.m. Girls.

If you are acting like a Predator, read this again and see where you've failed. If you know a Predator, send him the link. He's ruining your game.

My first instinct is to call her a 3 a.m. Girl...but she has some cool retorts to bad pickup lines. One you get past the valley girl tripping on E voice...

Hmmm,

I will be the first to admit that I'm not nice. I'm a bitch.

I think my attitude is a huge contributing factor in the kind of men that approach me. For years my joke has been that guys who approach me are either a) really drunk b) really brave or c) really horny.

I was working the other night and met a cute guy...okay I met one GORGEOUS guy and one cute guy, but tried to keep it professional, y'know? One invited himself to my hotel for a private after party (uh...?) and the other sent me an email (we were all working at the event in different capacities). It was Gorgeous who invited himself to my room, and Cute who emailed me.

I called Cute back the next day as I made my way back to the city. We chatted, he then said it would have be cool if I stayed in town another evening, because we could've hung out that evening (his email suggested a drink).

I thought "cool"...so we ended up making tentative plans to meet up after he went to a dinner. We agreed to a nightcap, then he said he wouldn't be able to make it to the city until well after last call. No suggestion of what activity we might do...

So you know what activity he was thinking of...

Really? I'm only half surprised, though.

I explained that I would be making it an early nigh, because I had event to go to the next night and I had to still be at my desk for my day job on Monday. He writes back and later one writes that he only got in at 5 a.m., to which I said "sounds like you had a good time" he writes back "it would've been better if we had hooked up"

Urk.

In my opinion the definition of "hooking up" is way too fluid and depends on the hour it's used at.
If a guy says at 12 p.m. "you wanna hook up"? It could mean actually going out somewhere and doing something; if the same thing is said at 12 a.m., it means something different and the words "hook" and "up" become one word. I wrote back that I wanted a definition of what he meant. Because while Gorgeous flirted with me all night (making it hard to remain professional...damn that Dolce and Gabbana cologne!) Cute really didn't. In fact, I had no clue he was interested in me beyond a professional level, until I got his email saying that he missed out on saying goodnight to me...

He wrote back that hookup could mean whatever I wanted it to mean at any hour.

Le sigh.

I told my girl P about it and she said, "you need to tell him how sleazy he's coming off right now, lol". Agreed. So I wrote back

"I like my clothes and tend to keep them on..."

And then (because he's a DJ) I sent him a link to this song:



Mmmhmm... I did.

He wrote back, that he loves the song but that Jermaine was wrong.

SMDH. He going in that pile with all the rest.

I'm NOT gorgeous... so I really have struggled to figure out why I always get this invite. I've even asked my guy friends why is it guys go straight for the "kill" with me? Is it in the vibe I give off?

Guys, this will be my topic for the next video (will shoot it next weekend, even if I can't get my regular camera guy): what do women think when you do this?

As for me, he's cute, we have stuff in common, but he has committed a major FAIL with his comments. What turned into drinks, and what could've turned into something else might not be.

I'm not frigid, it just turns me off when it's the first thing I'm asked; and before anyone asks, I tend to be more covered than 90% of the women in the room, so please don't even suggest it's the way I dress! I like movies, I eat food...why can't I sistah get an invite to dinner or a movie? Normally, I would discount him because he's a DJ and when I hear that I automatically think of Jemini's "No More Dating DJs"; and now, he's got a strike against him. What do you think sweeties, should I give him a chance to redeem himself or should I leave him in that pile with the others?

My girl P has said "I'm gonna introduce you to some good guys tonight!" So I'll keep you posted.

I'll leave the fate of Cute up to you guys - vote here or on twitter

xoxo

p.s. Gorgeous' number is in my back pocket...

Oh hells no...

Out last night in a few places and having a good time with the girls.

Got to venue number two and start to scope out some choices for my girl (I love to play wingman). We see a few but it's kinda hard as some seem a little more drunk than they should be.

The HE walks in.

Oh. Hello. Almost pulled a 360 degree "Exorcist" with my head to watch him walk by... Alex the bartender is in agreement.

Now, the approach for me is a little more difficult. On behalf of another...no problem! Me? Uh...But, we do move closer to where they are, conveniently enough there's an empty table. But I don't make eye contact or anything. One of his boys approaches my girl to ask where coat check is (uhm...follow the big neon sign that says "coat check"? lol)and they leave and come back - with their coats.

Then the house music comes on and I forget all about HIM (house music is my drug of choice). And then one of his other friends approaches us when we take a break and I'm sitting on a ledge on the wall. I'm in good spirits...then this guy ruins it.
Asks if we're having a good time, then asks if we're from "the suburbs"

What?

I'm a city girl, born and raised. Three weeks ago, I took the GO train for the first time in about 20 years. But I look suburban to your Ed Hardy wearing ass? Strike 1.

He says that his name is Olivier and he's originally from MTL. I mock a broken heart and explain that I'm offended about the suburban remark. I need to know, what about us looked "suburban"? Explains that he hasn't seen us at this club before and that we look "different".

(uh, was here a few weeks ago, the bartender's an old friend, even one of the bouncers knows my ID by heart...I've never seen YOU before)

I point out my snakeskin print pumps (purchased in Montreal)and say "do these look suburban to you?" (he said "a little")

He then tries to guess where I'm from in the city.

Scarborough?
Don Mills?
York Mills?

No. No. No. Strike two.

I say "you're insulting me..." he says "I'm just joking..." I say "this is how you pick up women? With insults?" Because, Chris Rock makes jokes, you're just being dumb sweetie."

My girl is gleefully wondering when the giant cocktail ring on my hand is going to make contact with his face. When I tell him where I live (which, admittedly is a nice 'hood) he says "did you have to think about that for a minute?" (blank stare from me) "oh so you're going to say you live in the rich part of town?"

I look and him and say "strike three."

BATTER UP!

So that's when HE decides to step in. Yes, the original hottie. Asking if we're alright and is his friend bothering us.

Me: "he's insulting"

HE effectively goes in for the block and we start talking. This is so much better!

Wrong.

I tell him my name is Roc (i.e. gave my nickname only)and his response is "oh! Like 'The Rock'? My response was "yes, except I don't cook" (i.e. "do you smell what The Rock is cooking?

Oh! Well what told me to say that? HE went on a 5-minute diatribe about why this is a tragedy. Some highlights:(these are verbatim quotes)

"What about tradition? Rice and Peas? Jerk Chicken?"
"What about passing our culture on to your children? You want to have kids, right?"
"...for instance, I would want my son to know how to fix a roof, repairs around the house and my daughter - not that I'm expecting you to live by the stove, but..."
"I assume you're some sort of African descent mixture, right?"
"I work 9-5...it's good to have a home cooked meal..."
"Oh, you're on some North American bullshit with that 'not cooking' stuff"

At this point, he hasn't even told me his name! He launched right into this.

I AM CANADIAN with Caribbean heritage, both my parents are Black and MY traditions and culture include a lot more than Rice and fucking Peas and Jerk Chicken, it's none of your goddamn business whether or not I want kids and (this I said to him) I work a lot more than 9-5 and I know how to use power tools bitch. Then I said (when I finally got a chance), "oh, when I said I don't cook, you assumed I didn't know how?"

"Yes!"

"oh. I know HOW... I just DON'T"

Then he proceeded to quiz me on what I know how to make. And then suggested that we get friends together to cook a meal - he'll help.

You are put on the disabled list, sit out the rest of the season on the bench, punk.

My poor girl is fending off some others while I have a debate with this sexist shit who finally told me his name, but luckily a dark knight cockblocked with the "I haven't seen you in so long! Gimme a hug" move... bless his heart.

Moral of the story? There isn't one... I just had to vent.

okay, maybe there's two:

1 - don't use insults to pick up a woman... IT DOES NOT WORK
2 - don't openly judge a woman within the first 5 minutes based on an innocuous comment...

oh, okay one more

don't brag about effectively cockblocking your boy to get to me (yes, Batter #2 did this)

SMH