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xoxo

HLBB

Ah, it's about that time of year...Ladies and Gentlemen - introducing your NYE 3 a.m. Girl. If you're new and don't know what a 3 a.m. Girl is, here's a refresher... Okay, now that you're caught up. Let's continue. It’s important to note that a 3 a.m. Girl is a mindset, not a timeline. You can spot a 3 a.m. Girl at 11 p.m. or 2 at in the afternoon.

Some of the most responsible women you know have 3 a.m. Girl moments…like say, dancing on a bar at your birthday party…), but a 3 a.m. Girl is always a 3 a.m. Girl.

On the 31^st, it might be hard for you to differ one from the other, so here's your cheat sheet to tell the difference between a Girl Partying 'til 3 a.m. (PT3AM) and a 3 a.m. Girl (3AG)

PT3AM

Wears a sexy little black dress, a wristlet and high-heeled boots to the club. Drinks champagne and is carrying her phone/pda, cash, debit card, ID, and lip gloss. If so inclined, she has her room key and condoms safely tucked away in the compartment of the wristlet.

3AG

Wears sexy LBD sans panties, a clutch that she’ll misplace, open toed shoes to show off the pedicure she got at the chop shop that afternoon. In the compartment of her clutch she has her birth control pill dosage for the next 24 hours, and she’s holding her (soon to be lost) phone because her clutch is too small; her BFF has the key to the room…

PT3AG

Will hit a couple of house parties before the main event and drink a lot of champagne (that way she’ll have a nice buzz before said event). She may even skip the club and stay at rooftop condo party with friends because the music’s good, she’s chipped in for pizza and everyone loves her dress; that way she can enjoy being the most fabulous girl in the room.

3AG

She will be pre-drinking in the hotel room she's rented with her BFF (with an open invite to a few select people) for the night. She can’t remember why she hasn’t had a hotel party since prom, but she’s looking forward to it. She’ll drink whatever is at bottle service because the promoter who invited her said it was free for her all night. She will enjoy the attention she gets by showing off her pole dancing skills to everyone in “VIP”

PT3AG

Can’t believe she let her friends convince her to buy the dress that cuts down to there. But she’s got more double sided tape on than J-Lo at the Grammys and has been going to the gym all year. She remembers the trick her makeup artist friend taught her and throws a little extra bronzer in that area just in case she’s photographed.

3AG
Her friends convince her that you can totally see the panty line of her thong under her white dress, so she goes without. She sprays a little extra perfume in the area, just in case, and tries to remember to stand just in case she’s photographed.

PT3AG

Her circle of friends call all night to get her coordinates (she is party hopping after all). Her ringtone them is “Paper Planes”, because it reminds her of the time they went to that random party in the summer.

3AG

Her ex calls all night because he wants to be with her at midnight (and knows that she has a room). Her ringtone for him is Sexy Bitch because he dedicated it to her when they heard it at Ultra in the summer.

The PT3AG can be found at 6 a.m. at an all night diner with friends or asleep in her bed.

By 1 p.m. New Year’s Day, she’s having brunch with friends, sans makeup, (with big black sunglasses of course) and enjoying a mimosa with her pancakes. She’s dreading going back to work on Monday but it was a good night…she can’t wait to see the pictures…

The 3AG can be found at 6 a.m. locked out of her hotel room because her so called BFF is acting like a c*nt and won’t open the door. She can’t call because she lost her phone and she had to share a cab with the asshole “promoter” because the limo service ended at 2:30.

By 1 p.m. you can find her at the Eaton Centre (with a wicked hangover), finally reunited with her shit from the room, getting a new phone from the Rogers store.

She doesn’t program her ex-BFF’s number because when she checked facebook after updating the app, she saw that the c*nt posted the picture of her where you can see her coochie…

See you in the New Year darlings…

This question was posed to me the other day and I was actually stumped for a moment. Why do people…specifically women have dealbreakers? Does this not mean that instead of focusing on the positive attributes in a man, you only are focusing on the negative? I looked deep within my soul, took a deep breath and replied: Well, would you date a fat chick?

Okay then, moving on…

Basically, we all have dealbreakers. It’s in our nature. But, I will say that I have heard of a lot more dealbreakers from women than I do from men. Basically guys just want a girl who doesn’t have a lot of baggage and doesn’t weigh so much that he can’t carry her out in case of a fire (thank my boss for that scenario).

If you remember the game show Let’s Make a Deal with good ol’ Monty, you know that people only had a few moments to decide if they were going to take what was behind door number 1 or door number 2. The same goes when she’s checking you out. Your outward appearance, demeanour, aura, (i.e. the stuff she can see) is that door. Just like the show, she can trade you in if she doesn’t think you’re of value. Why would she trade you in so soon? Here’s a list of some popular dealbreakers. Remember, these aren’t the heavy, relationship-type dealbreakers; this is the first impression type stuff.

Do you have a mirror?
Yes. Good. Did you take a good long look at yourself before leaving to go out? If you are over the age of oh…20, please stop wearing baggy jeans. Skinny hipster jeans are also a no-no; I’ve yet to meet a woman who finds them attractive.

Can I offer you some gum?
You have approximately 30 seconds to introduce yourself and get her name in return. If she can smell what you had for lunch or, as one girl put it to me “what you just threw up”, then you’re getting at best a pained smile and a fake name. Altoids, piece of gum, hell, even a Listerine strip will go a long way.

(Her) Love don’t cost a thing…
A woman of substance (i.e. non-gold digging princess types, y’know the ones you say are so hard to find) will not care if you have bottle service; it only proves that you can buy a bottle and not much more. Flashy clothes, jewels, teeth (ick, yeah I said it) etc etc blind us to whatever good qualities you may have.

Dress nice…
Let me clear up this misconception: “nice” doesn’t have to mean “expensive”. An average looking guy who is put together well, will do much better than a gorgeous guy who has no sense of style. Don’t know what “put together” means? Hire a stylist or invite a trusted female (who can be honest) to go through your closet and make some recommendations. “Nice” does not mean a suit and tie…clean kicks, a fresh smelling tee and jeans that don’t have mould growing on them will do just fine, provided that is your style. If you have any “Beer is better than…” or Ed Hardy t-shirts, just burn them.

Smell inviting…
If you wear a cable knit sweater in a club and wonder why you can’t get a girl to talk to you past midnight, I’d like to point out one little thing: you stink This also means that we should not be able to smell you five minutes before you come over to us and 10 minutes after you leave. Pick a fragrance that works with your body chemistry and smells inviting…that’s when we lean close to talk directly in your ear.

Go hard…then go home.
This is especially true if you’re in a club. Honey, you are there to have a good time. Could you crack a little bit of smile? You don’t think that we don’t see you before you approach do you? We watch that behaviour as well. And the arrogant, insulting “I don’t give a fuck” attitude guarantees that you won’t get a fuck either.

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