Ah, the 3 a.m. Girls... I've been seeing a lot of them lately. Sometimes they come out a bit earlier, but you usually see them en masse at 3 a.m.

A 3 a.m. Girl is:

Usually shouting at her friend to "hurry up", "shut up" or "get up" or, she's the one being shouted at.

She'll call her closest friend a "whore" but mean it in a loving manner...this is sometimes combined with the first clue – as in: "shut up you whore*! I love you!"

(*"whore" can be replaced with "bitch", "slut", or "cocksucker")

Usually the one who let some guy separate her from her friends and has been hooking up with said guy for the past hour. He has now brought her drunk and dishelved ass back to her friends so that they can all go home together.

Was the one projectile vomiting in the bathroom at 2:40, or is the one sitting on the curb outside the club, dazed and confused, too drunk to walk.

She’s the one that ends up in the Facebook photo gallery.

Was the one who thought the 5 inch "patent leather" white pumps purchased in Chinatown looked cute with her outfit when she left home at 11:30, but now can't walk in them, so she's walking along the vomit and urine stained streets barefoot. If she has a strong backed boyfriend, then this is the girl being carried by him.

Mumbling "I need food" and trying to hug strangers because she's in a good mood.

Or has spent all her money on drinks and cannot afford a cab ride home…so she’s taking the a vomit rocket (all night bus) or is trying to decide whether or not she should spend her last bit of money on some street meat or the bus. I once watched two girls split a hot dog so that they could afford the bus home.

An open love letter to those dear 3 a.m. Girls:

Some of you will grow out of it, others will become 3 a.m. Cougars and a few will have really shitty stuff happen one night -whether it be a lost shoe (saw it happen), crawling around on the floor of a club because you lost your engagement ring (seriously it was sad… she was bawling like a muthafucka) or lost car (true story; they had the keys, but they had no idea where it was parked…which is good thing considering she was in no state to drive).

The pitfall of being a 3 a.m. Girl is that you become the target of "last call" guys. These douchebags are trying get any kind of coochie they can because it's now after last call at the bar and this is their last chance…these guys figure if they’re gonna get any tonight, it will be from you, the 3 a.m. Girl, who not fully aware, doesn’t care much or is just as desperate. Or, because you made out with your friend on the couch in VIP while the guys having bottle service cheered you on and took pictures.

Oh 3 a.m. Girl, is this what you thought your night would be when you left home the night before? Really?

Oh yeah:

Your girl is not a “dirty cocksucking whore” that you love because “that’s (your) bitch”…she’s your friend and your best chance of getting home in one piece. Respect that.

That hot hookup guy? He’ll (maybe) call for another session, but you probably won’t hear from him after that…the next time you see him, you’ll be (hopefully) sober, so I hope for your sake he was as hot as you remembered him.

My mother always had this advice “don’t ever go out if you don’t have enough money to pay your own way, call in case of an emergency or to get home”.

Don’t go out in something at night that you’d be ashamed to walk home in during the light of day… because I’ve seen some of you at sunrise and it ain’t pretty and don’t buy shoes you can’t walk in for at least 7 hours.


Other than that…I love 3 a.m. Girls... because, well, they're funny.

xoxo

p.s. for those who are wondering… I have been severely trashed on many occasions, but have never been a 3 a.m. Girl.


The Patron Saint of 3 a.m. Girls - Paris Hilton