Ah, it's about that time of year...Ladies and Gentlemen - introducing your NYE 3 a.m. Girl. If you're new and don't know what a 3 a.m. Girl is, here's a refresher... Okay, now that you're caught up. Let's continue. It’s important to note that a 3 a.m. Girl is a mindset, not a timeline. You can spot a 3 a.m. Girl at 11 p.m. or 2 at in the afternoon.

Some of the most responsible women you know have 3 a.m. Girl moments…like say, dancing on a bar at your birthday party…), but a 3 a.m. Girl is always a 3 a.m. Girl.

On the 31^st, it might be hard for you to differ one from the other, so here's your cheat sheet to tell the difference between a Girl Partying 'til 3 a.m. (PT3AM) and a 3 a.m. Girl (3AG)

PT3AM

Wears a sexy little black dress, a wristlet and high-heeled boots to the club. Drinks champagne and is carrying her phone/pda, cash, debit card, ID, and lip gloss. If so inclined, she has her room key and condoms safely tucked away in the compartment of the wristlet.

3AG

Wears sexy LBD sans panties, a clutch that she’ll misplace, open toed shoes to show off the pedicure she got at the chop shop that afternoon. In the compartment of her clutch she has her birth control pill dosage for the next 24 hours, and she’s holding her (soon to be lost) phone because her clutch is too small; her BFF has the key to the room…

PT3AG

Will hit a couple of house parties before the main event and drink a lot of champagne (that way she’ll have a nice buzz before said event). She may even skip the club and stay at rooftop condo party with friends because the music’s good, she’s chipped in for pizza and everyone loves her dress; that way she can enjoy being the most fabulous girl in the room.

3AG

She will be pre-drinking in the hotel room she's rented with her BFF (with an open invite to a few select people) for the night. She can’t remember why she hasn’t had a hotel party since prom, but she’s looking forward to it. She’ll drink whatever is at bottle service because the promoter who invited her said it was free for her all night. She will enjoy the attention she gets by showing off her pole dancing skills to everyone in “VIP”

PT3AG

Can’t believe she let her friends convince her to buy the dress that cuts down to there. But she’s got more double sided tape on than J-Lo at the Grammys and has been going to the gym all year. She remembers the trick her makeup artist friend taught her and throws a little extra bronzer in that area just in case she’s photographed.

3AG
Her friends convince her that you can totally see the panty line of her thong under her white dress, so she goes without. She sprays a little extra perfume in the area, just in case, and tries to remember to stand just in case she’s photographed.

PT3AG

Her circle of friends call all night to get her coordinates (she is party hopping after all). Her ringtone them is “Paper Planes”, because it reminds her of the time they went to that random party in the summer.

3AG

Her ex calls all night because he wants to be with her at midnight (and knows that she has a room). Her ringtone for him is Sexy Bitch because he dedicated it to her when they heard it at Ultra in the summer.

The PT3AG can be found at 6 a.m. at an all night diner with friends or asleep in her bed.

By 1 p.m. New Year’s Day, she’s having brunch with friends, sans makeup, (with big black sunglasses of course) and enjoying a mimosa with her pancakes. She’s dreading going back to work on Monday but it was a good night…she can’t wait to see the pictures…

The 3AG can be found at 6 a.m. locked out of her hotel room because her so called BFF is acting like a c*nt and won’t open the door. She can’t call because she lost her phone and she had to share a cab with the asshole “promoter” because the limo service ended at 2:30.

By 1 p.m. you can find her at the Eaton Centre (with a wicked hangover), finally reunited with her shit from the room, getting a new phone from the Rogers store.

She doesn’t program her ex-BFF’s number because when she checked facebook after updating the app, she saw that the c*nt posted the picture of her where you can see her coochie…

See you in the New Year darlings…

This question was posed to me the other day and I was actually stumped for a moment. Why do people…specifically women have dealbreakers? Does this not mean that instead of focusing on the positive attributes in a man, you only are focusing on the negative? I looked deep within my soul, took a deep breath and replied: Well, would you date a fat chick?

Okay then, moving on…

Basically, we all have dealbreakers. It’s in our nature. But, I will say that I have heard of a lot more dealbreakers from women than I do from men. Basically guys just want a girl who doesn’t have a lot of baggage and doesn’t weigh so much that he can’t carry her out in case of a fire (thank my boss for that scenario).

If you remember the game show Let’s Make a Deal with good ol’ Monty, you know that people only had a few moments to decide if they were going to take what was behind door number 1 or door number 2. The same goes when she’s checking you out. Your outward appearance, demeanour, aura, (i.e. the stuff she can see) is that door. Just like the show, she can trade you in if she doesn’t think you’re of value. Why would she trade you in so soon? Here’s a list of some popular dealbreakers. Remember, these aren’t the heavy, relationship-type dealbreakers; this is the first impression type stuff.

Do you have a mirror?
Yes. Good. Did you take a good long look at yourself before leaving to go out? If you are over the age of oh…20, please stop wearing baggy jeans. Skinny hipster jeans are also a no-no; I’ve yet to meet a woman who finds them attractive.

Can I offer you some gum?
You have approximately 30 seconds to introduce yourself and get her name in return. If she can smell what you had for lunch or, as one girl put it to me “what you just threw up”, then you’re getting at best a pained smile and a fake name. Altoids, piece of gum, hell, even a Listerine strip will go a long way.

(Her) Love don’t cost a thing…
A woman of substance (i.e. non-gold digging princess types, y’know the ones you say are so hard to find) will not care if you have bottle service; it only proves that you can buy a bottle and not much more. Flashy clothes, jewels, teeth (ick, yeah I said it) etc etc blind us to whatever good qualities you may have.

Dress nice…
Let me clear up this misconception: “nice” doesn’t have to mean “expensive”. An average looking guy who is put together well, will do much better than a gorgeous guy who has no sense of style. Don’t know what “put together” means? Hire a stylist or invite a trusted female (who can be honest) to go through your closet and make some recommendations. “Nice” does not mean a suit and tie…clean kicks, a fresh smelling tee and jeans that don’t have mould growing on them will do just fine, provided that is your style. If you have any “Beer is better than…” or Ed Hardy t-shirts, just burn them.

Smell inviting…
If you wear a cable knit sweater in a club and wonder why you can’t get a girl to talk to you past midnight, I’d like to point out one little thing: you stink This also means that we should not be able to smell you five minutes before you come over to us and 10 minutes after you leave. Pick a fragrance that works with your body chemistry and smells inviting…that’s when we lean close to talk directly in your ear.

Go hard…then go home.
This is especially true if you’re in a club. Honey, you are there to have a good time. Could you crack a little bit of smile? You don’t think that we don’t see you before you approach do you? We watch that behaviour as well. And the arrogant, insulting “I don’t give a fuck” attitude guarantees that you won’t get a fuck either.

THIS POST IS INTERACTIVE - we want to hear from you!

Ladies…am I missing any? Send me a tweet with the hashtag #dealbreaker

Got your own dealbreaker story? Send in webcam story via email and we’ll add it to our YouTube channel!

So tonight, some of you are still scrambling to buy a present... my thoughts are with you.

Tomorrow (or the day after or in a few hours if she's eager), she'll be opening the present you so painstakingly (or rushed) to buy. The question will be: will you be on the nice or naughty list after she sees it?

How to get on the NAUGHTY list:

Gift Cards.
Seriously? That's what you buy friends, family, your child's teacher. When the girlfriends commune in the days to come and talk about what they got, picture her holding up a gift card to Future Shop and saying with a big smile "THIS!"

Yeah, doesn't work.
Anything Domestic
Unless she's a domestic goddess who goes by the names Nigella, Rachael or Martha, do NOT attempt this. Unless she says specifically that for Christmas she wants new cookware, baking supplies or a vacuum, do not attempt this.

Lingerie (especially in the wrong size)
We know you're visual creatures...that's why WE buy the stuff. Do not buy unless you've been together for a while. If you need to figure out what her size is, instead of going into the store and saying to the (hot) salesgirl "she's about your size", try this: remember when you oh so expertly removed her bra when you were getting it on? There's a size tag. Usually by the clasp. Check it out. Most importantly: do NOT buy any of the Xmas themed stuff at the front of the store. You will be dateless on New Year's Eve if she finds that under the tree.
Random Perfume
Avoid this at Valentine's as well. She has a favourite fragrance (or three or four), and if you don't know the exact name, don't try sniffing a bunch of bottles and thinking, "that's about right".
Anything Practical
Yes, of course it makes complete sense to buy her a back up flashlight/smoke detector/emergency kit for her car. But unless she's a gadget girl...practical gifts are best saved for, nothing. Let her parents buy that shit. Again, imagine her holding it up a flashlight to her girlfriends and saying: "THIS!"

How to get on the NICE list

Pampering
Hmmm. This would be the ONE time a gift card is acceptable. Treating her to a massage and/or pedicure? Especially if you say it's because you see she works hard (in or out of the home)? Genius.

Listen out for these words:
"I LOVE this..."
"I like this..."
"I've always wanted..."
"I adore..."
"I really should get..."

I'm not one of those women who drops hints around November at what I want in hopes that he'll remember, but I do talk about stuff I like. Some women hint straight out; others will hand you a typewritten list in Excel cross referenced with stores and prices as well as directions to the mall.

Guys, you don't understand how excited we get when we realize that you are LISTENING and retaining shit we say. You know the phrase "it's the thought that counts"? Well, the very thought of you remembering that she coveted something makes the present that much more special.

Because then the scenario goes like this: she gets together with the girls post holiday. They compare gifts. She's asked "what did He get you?" She flashes the item AND talks about how she only mentioned it in passing, like, ONCE, way back when and that you must've written it down or remembered or something and there it was under the tree and blah blah blah blah...

The other ladies swoon. They chime "awww! That's so sweet! He's such a great guy!" The one who got the present off the naughty list (and there's always one...) will go home and give her honey the "why can't you be more like that?" look, without explaining why and plug in her new state of the art vacuum.

Merry Xmas to all and to all a good night...

xoxo
HLBB

1 – Don’t.

2 – Okay, if you really must: wear protection.
This would be one of those times where sharing is NOT caring.

3 – Okay, if you really must. Be discreet and keep it simple.
If you are to have a jump-off, make sure that they have something to lose and not something to gain. Also, stick to one jump-off at a time, I mean, c’mon now, you’re in a committed relationship already! How much more sex can you need? Don’t you have a job? A paper route? A hobby?

4 – DON’T lie to the jump off.
As Yvonne of heydoyou.com tweeted the other day “two timing guys get caught twice”.
You are already lying to one person; why complicate matters more? I don’t even think that they’ve made an app to help you keep track of lies; if they did, I’d know even more people with iPhones.

Wait – stops to check App Store – nope. Just lie detector apps.

Look at Letterman. Did any of his affairs go running to Life & Style Magazine to tell “their side” of the story? Nope. Wow. Look what honesty gets you. Remember, it wasn’t even one of the exes that outed him! She wanted it kept private. Why? So as not to be accused of sleeping her way to the top. Why? Because she had something to lose.

But Tiger? Oh Tiger, you probably told each of your lucky 13 that they were the only one(s). I’m NOT sorry, but cocktail waitresses with dreams of becoming models at the age of 24 don’t have anything to lose.They knew you had a wife, but when one jump-off came out, each realized you had lied to them. Hell hath no fury like a jump-off lied to.

5 – Set the terms.
No overnights. No calls to the house (really, a smart cheater has more than one phone, GoogleVoice anyone?) No pictures (and if you’re even contemplating for a moment nekkid pics, don’t). Set up a separate email account. Always use condoms. Don’t have sex in your car. No time together on holidays. Do not go out in public or to any of the places you go to with your beloved.

Hey you know what? Sucks to be them, but if they’re willing to agree to those terms – and yes, I know people who have – then that’s their lot in life to accept. They made their bed, so they can sleep in it alone.

Oh, if all the above seems like too much work for you, then you shouldn’t be cheating in the first fucking place. Dumbass.

6 – Don’t fall in love.
It’s a “transgression” remember? Falling in love is what you did with the person you're cheating on.

7 – Don’t feel guilty.
Huh? You’re cheating on the love of your life, the mother/father of your children, your best friend and soul mate? But, you feel guilty? Awwww. Then, you my friend are a Dumbass. That’s right, you must go through with your transgression feeling no guilt, no remorse; as if you have the best of both worlds. If you can’t feel that way, then you shouldn’t be cheating or be in a relationship. That’s right, choose one. Do not pass GO, do not collect another jump-off. Choose.

8 – Expect to get caught.
Expect to find panties stuffed under the car seat. Expect a voicemail on the home line (because you didn’t pay attention to tip #5). Expect to slip up on a name in a moment of anger or passion. Expect that your beloved will notice a change in behaviour both in and out of the bedroom. Expect that one day you will be walking down the street with your beloved and see your jump-off staring at you in shock because they thought you were single (ah, you ignored tip #4, didn’t cha?). Expect that once caught out, that there will be a swift and possibly violent reaction. Expect to be caught on camera. Expect that there will be evidence. Expect that one day Maury Povich will say “Dumbass, you ARE the father!” Expect one or both people to break up with your cheating ass.

Because you got away with a one night stand, you are not an expert cheater, so yes, expect to get caught.

Well, there you have it.

Before the emails of condemnation come in, I will disclose: yes, I’ve been cheated on. Yes, I’ve been the girl who followed all of rules in tip #5. I’m not casting stones. I personally believe that if you are the type of person to cheat then you just shouldn’t bother with relationships. But at least try to mitigate the damage you’re about to do (already doing), and if you can’t follow tip #1, then expect all of tip #8 to smack you upside the head like 9-iron.

xoxo

Geneviève Bergeron, Hélène Colgan, Nathalie Croteau,

Barbara Daigneault

Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Haviernick, Maryse Laganière

Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay

Sonia Pelletier, Michèle Richard, Annie St-Arneault, Annie Turcotte

Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz…

These are the names we know; these are the names we have been told about…

These are the names for the women who didn’t have names. These names and the image above should be all the information you need to know what this post is about. This is my memorial. This is my thank you to these women, these women who taught me at the tender age of 13 that violence is wrong.

But I was never taught the signs. Never given the clues to what leads to that kind of behaviour.

I was raised a feminist. I wasn’t given feminist literature, taken on marches or ever lit a bra on fire. I was raised to never see obstacles because of my gender (or race), with the knowledge that I would have to work 3 times as hard to be considered half as good, but was told by my Mother (who raised me), my Aunt (who inspired me, and a fine selection of men (Uncle, Cousins) who always taught me to go for mine.

Then I met him…and still no one taught me the signs.

I was 17, impressionable and just out of my first romance. I had switched schools for academic reasons and like the Type-A overachiever I was, was taking a bunch of specialty classes: Politics, Scriptwriting, and Psychology. He was in all my classes.

He said things like “I never knew that girls as pretty as you could be so smart”… “you have great legs”… you’re reading that book? Impressive…” Always with a smile, always flirting. I fell for it instantly. We started to date and the compliments stopped.

I, Miss Type A, also had a part-time job after school. This money gave me the freedom to go to movies, go shopping, buy make up, books, comics, film and photographic paper (I was also taking Photography). One day he complained that my time spent at work meant time away from him and building our relationship. My smart-ass response was “are you going to buy my Always? Because that’s what me working allows me to…” He thought my allowance should be enough. It was our first fight.

We fought about sex…actually, we negotiated it. Once, he told me “if I can’t get it from you, I’m going to have to go elsewhere…” and proceeded to flirt with a girl that he knew I thought was prettier than I.

I once made elaborate (for a 17 year old) plans for us to alleviate his complaints that I had no time for him. He stood me up and called 5 hours later to tell me he had “hung out with friends and fallen asleep. What’s the big deal?”

In Politics class, he was the “star student” of the class and I, a novice. I had taken the class because I knew nothing about politics and wanted to learn. For our end of term paper (which he was supposed to help me with but bailed), I achieved an A+… he got a B (he wrote it the night before it was due). After comparing of our grades, he said the only reason I had gotten my A+ was because the teacher thought I was hot. In fact, he thought that I had achieved most of my grades on looks or charm because “(I) wasn’t as smart as (I) thought (I) was”. Actually, that year, I ranked in the 98^th percentile for my district and the 95^th percentile in Ontario. I had been reading at a 12^th grade level since I was 6 years old. I got A’s without having to ever study for an exam. Yet, he constantly called me stupid, or silly or my favourite: uninformed. (But I had great legs).

We would argue, and I mistook it for passion. I thought we were having an "mature" relationship. But I was getting tired of it. Then I heard he made plans to go out with that “other girl” and I thought, “I’m done.”

I tried to break up with him over the phone. He’d change the subject. I tried in person after he dropped me home after school, he laughed it off. I finally wrote him a “Dear John” letter and placed it in his mailbox at school. He found me in the hall and ran up to me, grabbed me in a bear hug and said “Chiquita! What is this? You can’t be serious!” He laughed. He asked if I had met someone else. I said, “No. Everything I have tried to tell you is in that letter. We are done.”

Weeks went by and there was no contact. We broke for Christmas. One of his friends called me to invite me to a party and I declined, explaining that I didn’t want to see my ex at this party. He told me that my ex went to Blue Mountain with that other girl. I led his friend to believe that I had moved on as well, knowing that his call was not to invite me anywhere but to “report” back to my ex. School resumed. My ex and I kept respectful distances from each other. One day he came to me and said could we talk over coffee, clear the air. I accepted.

On the subway ride downtown, he mentioned the conversation I had with his friend in an off-hand manner. I laughed in his face and said “gotcha! I knew what he was doing, so I gave him something to report…” My ex was not amused that I had outsmarted him, again. He said instead of coffee, he wanted to go to the library and show me a documentary on Che that he thought would “open my eyes” I responded that I had no interest in Che and had agreed only to coffee. We began to argue. Publicly. At the corner of Yonge and Bloor. In the middle of rush hour. I realized that I didn’t need this and said so, turned on my heel and walked away…

He grabbed the hood of my coat and yanked me back so hard, I came off my feet.

No one stopped.

He grabbed my arm and said, “don’t you fucking walk away from me!”

I shoved him back and said, “Fuck off! Touch me again and I will call my boys!” (He hated that I had so many guy friends, by the way. The only reason they were friends with me was “because they wanted to fuck (me)”

No one stopped.

He took me to the library. I went to the phones and called my best friend (a guy), who wanted to know if I was okay. I was angry I said (I didn’t admit that I was scared) and on my way home. My best friend asked me to come to his house first so he could see that I was okay. I lied to my ex, saying I had to go home; it would be the only reason he’d let me go.

I looked at the bruise on my arm the next morning and thought “never again”. I realized that my spark had been diminished during my time with him, that my grades had suffered because I didn’t want to make him feel less smart, that my spunky sarcasm and my glam make-up had been muted. I thought “never again”. Friends who hadn’t heard from me as much were saying “welcome back”, I smiled a little more often. Those were the signs.

In Politics class, we did a module on feminism, and the teacher brought up those 14 names. I watched my ex’s face for signs. He said that they weren’t martyrs because they had simply been caught in the crossfire.

“Bullshit” I snapped. “He targeted them based on the simple criteria that they were women. Women who were smart, women who had achieved something, women who were more capable than he was. He was a limp-dicked wimp who couldn’t compete, so he committed a cowardly act and then killed himself!”

The class was silent. The teacher said nothing. I was shaking.

I looked at my ex and said “and it will never happen again...”

Resources:
http://www.whiteribbon.ca/
http://www.itstartswithyou.ca/home/

1 - Tiger, Tiger.. Tiger. If you are going to cheat, pick discreet women. Not the "hostesses" of the world who are passed around like blunts at a hippie reunion.

2 - Guys: if you're thinking of cheating (and NO we do not endorse cheating over here at HLBB)...look at Tiger Wood's Christmas Card on the right and think "there but for the grace of obscurity, goes I..."


That is all,

xoxox

The following conversation has been paraphrased...

6 months ago

Her: I’m available…

Him: well, I got work/school/stuff/a sporting event/something

Her: Oh, I figured because we had been out a few times/dating a few months exclusively/slept together last night that you were interested?

Him: Yeah, I’m just…uhm. Busy, with stuff. I’ll call you…

Present day

Her: oh hey, what’s up?

Him: well we haven’t talked in a while…

(Her thinking: yeah, because you stopped calling)

Him: so, uh what’s up? Wanna do something? Meet up for coffee or something?

Her: well, I’m seeing someone and I don’t think he’d appreciate it…

Him: oh. Is it serious?

Her: well, it’s new but –

Him: so you wanna meet up for coffee? Because you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and I was --

Oh. Please. Stop.

I’ve heard this story time and time again from women. I have had so many versions of that conversation that I had to paraphrase, or it would gone on for days. So, guys, one of you, please tell me where it is written that the “if she’s hot for you, you must be cold to her approach” works? Or if she’s well, moved on and stopped waiting for you call, that you must start calling again because out of phone means out of mind?

WHERE is this written? Maxim’s advice column? AskMen.com? Advice passed down from the elders generation after generation? Where?

Because we need to quash this right now.

This does not achieve anything.

In a perfect world, you would’ve been ready for her when she was ready for you. But you weren’t. She wasn’t it. You had other options, she wasn’t as hot, and you were genuinely really busy with work or school or something and didn’t have time exclusively for her. Okay.

But now that you can’t have her, why must you try so hard NOW?

This does not stir up feelings like it does on TV. This frustrates women. Your midnight epiphany could be with the best of intentions, but you declare your feelings like this and we don’t generally think “oh! He’s come around!” we think “what the fuck?!?”

It’s a love game. There are no winners.

You could’ve been dating two girls at once and let this one go for the other. That’s fair. What’s not fair, is that you think the one you let go is on standby. Even if she didn’t move on to someone else and you just saw her one day and had that conversation on the corner that lasted 5 minutes where you realized she got really hot/was really a good catch after all/wasn’t trying to lock you down, you should NOT call/Facebook or email.

Women are like buses. You missed the ride on this one…so be on time for the next one or get to walking.

For those who follow me on twitter, you know my partner in crime, my "wifey" (in a non-sexual, non-kissed a girl kind of way) is Relationship Blogger Darling Nicky .

While I write stuff n' junk about dating and mating, SHE talks about relationships and the human condition. If you haven't taken one of her quizzes, you should. The insights on her blog are like getting advice from an expert...because well, she is.

We at HLBB are sometimes accused of "man bashing" which is totally not true. This site was created to give you some "tough love".

Now, Darling Nicky does not sugar coat, but her latest post "The Currency of A Man" is best described as a love letter to you guys.

If you haven't inspired a woman to extole your virtues in this manner, then I suggest you continue reading her blog (along with this one of course), follow (and take) her quizzes and then, take a good long look at yourself.

Enjoy. Because this is probably my favourite post of hers to date...and I agree with every word.

Conversation with one of my girls the other day:

“…he is so annoying! Disagrees with everything I say at meetings, critiques my work, tries so hard to always one-up me. But the part I don’t get is that if he hates me so much, WHY does he always have to be on my projects? So that I can make him look good?”

Me: “he likes you. Remember when you were elementary school, and a boy liked you? I mean, liked you liked you? So when you saw you, he made fun of you, pulled your hair, grabbed your bag and made mocking noises every time you spoke?”

Her: “yeah...”

Me: “I suspect that Annoying Boy, who from what you’ve told me is your equal at work and therefore doesn’t need you to look good, likes you. I mean likes you likes you.”

Her: “oh. You think?”

Me: “yeah”

Her: “but we’re not kids anymore…”

Guys, I will now ask you to pull out your wallets (no, not for money) and check your ID. Driver’s license, Health Card, Citzenship, Passport… something with your photo and your date of birth. Once you do that, check the photo. Is it you? Good. Check the year of birth. If it’s anything dated before 1997, then remind yourself of this: you are not a kid anymore…

Women figure that the “I like you so I must be a jerk to you” phase ended, oh… somewhere after grade 6. So, when you act anything like Annoying Boy from the above example, we don’t think it’s cute, we think you’re immature. Yes. Immature. It is hard to express feelings, trust me I know, but women have had enough trouble in their (adult) dating lives to try and decipher what you meant by your backhanded comments, rude behaviour or general all around jerk-ness. Mind you, there are some girls out there who love the “loves me/loves me not” thing and those girls also need to check their IDs.

If you want a girl and not a woman, then you can stop reading. If you think that manning up about your feelings means hiding them behind a veil of jerk-ness, you can stop reading. We’re separating the boys from the men in this post.

You do not want to be accused of playing head games, right? Take this short quiz:

The object of your affection shows up wearing an outfit that you would love to see on your bedroom floor. Do you:
a) make a joke about the ensemble and secretly gawk at her, memorizing the outfit and storing it in your spank bank database?
b) Say “you look…hot” and say nothing more (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?
c) Say “you’re looking really nice today…what’s the occasion?” or something like that (then memorize the outfit and store it in your spank bank database)?

You work with the object of your affection, and in a meeting she says something you wished you had said. Do you:
a) automatically disagree with it, just to get a rise out of her (because she’s kinda hot when she’s pissed)?
b) nod quietly and add this to the list of things you admire about her?
c) offer your own intelligent observation and then compliment her after on her comments via email or chat, somehow showing that you were paying special attention to what she was saying (in a non-creepy, non-stalker kind of way)?

The object of your affection makes contact with you (phone, text, BBM, Ping, Tweet…whatever) to ask you a yes/no question. Do you:
a) give a dumbass answer in order to prolong the conversation?
b) you decline to answer right away so that you have another shot at talking to her?
c) provide her with her answer and ensure you have a way to continue to keep the topic alive?

Results
If you answered mostly A’s – you’re Annoying Boy who sends mixed signals.
If you answered mostly B’s – awww...you’re shy. Work on getting over that a little or you’ll never get the girl.
If you answered mostly C’s – look at your girlfriend and say “I told you I was the shit…”

So, if you like her, I mean like her like her…be a good boy and man the fuck up.

Oh hunny bunnies… We’ve been seeing this a lot lately. We are not amused. It’s about her, the girl you’ve tried to wife against a logic and reason. The girl you think is your dream girl…so you go after her like you’re a starving man in the desert. Instead of dating her for the moment, you start talking about a lifetime. 6 months later, a year even, you’ve turned into Al Bundy and complain relentlessly about her.

But…You’re still with her. You tell us, she’s changed, she wasn’t like that in the beginning.

Uhm…guess what? She was.

You were too blinded by the beauty, the sex, the whatever you want to call it to see the signs. But she did NOT turn into Peggy Bundy overnight. The seeds of that were planted a loooong time ago. I’m not saying people don’t change – but you can’t say you’re dating a completely different person because, if you were honest with yourself, you would’ve seen the signs you’re seeing now. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

You’re a commitment-phobe. By the end of date one, you know how many kids she wants and why getting married in her grandparents backyard is the perfect setting. Do not be surprised if she is pushing for you to make a stronger commitment (ahem, buy a ring/move in/get matching tattoos) in a year’s time…

Your princess begins to pout because you didn’t pay for dinner/pick her up/fix her dad’s car/help her babysit? Uhm, were you ALWAYS doing those things? Then that is what is expected of you! Hello?! What other precedent is she going to base it on? I firmly believe that it’s better to feel as if you’d do anything for a person, than feel as if you do everything for a person…

She doesn’t cook/keep house/do things the way you thought she would once you got married/moved in together. This is so easy to determine: look at how she was when you lived separately, because guess what? If she wasn’t like that before, she’s not turning into a domestic goddess overnight. If you expected to give a woman keys to your place and in turn she keep house for you, I hope you’ve given those keys to a maid service. It should also go without saying, but I’ll say it anyways: she’s not your mother.

“I don’t know why she wears all that makeup/weave/hair dye/high heels or spend all her time at the hairdresser/nail salons/spa”. This goes two ways: either she figures that’s how you met her, so she needs to maintain it, OR she puts that effort into herself because she wants to. How is this a problem that your girl wants to look good? So what if she’s high maintenance…is she the one maintaining it?

“She has no direction in life…” The majority of women I know don’t suddenly give up EVERYTHING in their lives because of love. So chances are, you initially loved that you could “help her out”, give advice, be there for her, etc. Now, it’s not so fun always “being there” for her. Next time, before you feed your ego, feed hers a bit; empower instead of enable, yeah?

“She doesn’t really match me intellectually”. Excuse me, but huh?

This was NOT overnight either; you may have fucked her senseless the night before, but sweetie, she did NOT wake up stupid. Lemme guess, was it that one time she just didn’t get the joke and you realized that she never really gets the joke? Or her cute emails are full of emoticons, chat speak and spelling errors? Guess what honey, the cute ran out; that’s why she doesn’t match you intellectually this morning. She never did…the cute has just run out.

“She doesn’t match me sexually” – so, she gave you head last week and now won’t go south of your solar plexus. It’s called a “job” and if you’ve ever had those days where you didn’t feel like going to work… But I’m talking about the desire, drive, interest. If you think the “job” is a fun way to have foreplay and she only really did it the beginning because she wanted to impress you…you can tell. She reluctantly went there instead of with gusto, she screwed up her face when you asked, but took a deep breath and did it anyways. That honey, is not a match! That’s a power struggle. Hopefully, you’re an expert negotiator or your birthday is coming up real soon.

Again, change does happen. I’m not denying that. I’m talking about the signs of change… or lack of. “Wifeys” share your core values, your beliefs, stimulate you outside the bedroom, give you what you need without you having to ask (and I don’t just mean sexually) Wifeys have your back, they’re not on your back. If you not sure that she’s wifey material…

She’s not.

Guys, I want you to study this video.



Here's your cheat sheet; write this down on the inside of your forearm if you must:

1 - anticipation (it's just as fun for you)
2 - take your time (yes, take your damn time)
3 - foreplay (that lasts longer than 4 seconds)
4 - confidence (she will think YOU invented sex)
5 - switch it up (a lot)
6 - at the 2:13 mark, freeze frame the video...that's ice. Just remember. Ice.

If she wasn't going home with you before...she will now.

That is all. Goodnight.
xoxo

Guys, when it comes to romance, you can’t just catch a fucking break. To quote Ne-Yo, you love her ‘cause she got her own…but heaven help you if you try to open a door, pay the bill at dinner, or try to fix something in her house, right? Yes, the age of Miss Independent is upon you but then, Keri Hilson says:

Diamonds a girl's best friend, if you can provide them/ I might even act a fool while you're hittin' it…

So Miss Independents are still best friends with Diamonds? What the fuck? I know hunny bunnies, it’s confusing. So, I asked the question via Twitter and email today: is romance/chivalry dead? Well…this is what they’re saying.

Via twitter: romance is probably more dead than chivalry. romance requires thought & effort…not dead but it has a bad case of the swine flu and may not recover in a lot of areas. Prognosis isn't good...And they're not gentlemanly enough these days…I don't think it’s dead. But I think women these days are too independent to always appreciate it…

Via email: It’s dead. Feminism killed it…I don’t think men know how. They think because I like sports that I can’t also like flowers…They don’t know how to be sexy/ flirty, they think 2 a.m. booty calls are sexy. They aren’t…he asked me out via text message. I never responded.

It got me wondering, in this day and age; what IS romance? How do you romance a Miss Independent who wants to go dutch on the bill, open her own doors and stresses that she wants you but doesn’t NEED you?

Well, I think it’s two little words (RELAX! I said TWO not 3 little words…):

Little Luxuries.

Put away your wallets, and take notes…it’s NOT what you’re thinking.

I was told this story today: A guy she’s been out on a few dates with learned that she liked red wine. Knowing that she had a long day at work, he asked if he could stop by for a short visit and maybe bring by a bottle of wine. She said sure… he came by with wine and some chopped logs for her fireplace. He was gonna leave…he didn’t have to.

Our technology allows us to have instant responses, but guys, connections take more time than that. Try calling before texting every once in a while and try, I dunno, leaving a voicemail? The sound of your voice to say I’ll be there in 20 minutes? Much better than the text (even if she texts like she invented the damn thing). I have watched a woman’s face light up when that name appears on the call display…

The key is that these gestures have to be genuine and cannot be something that your buddy did for his girl. Because unless you like polygamy, I’m guessing your girl is not his girl…you have to find out what works for your girl or the girl you’re interested in or the girl you want to sleep with. Whatever means to your ends.

It’s easy to quote Ne-Yo, Maxwell, Robin et all… but make a line like “you can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice” work for you? It has to be sincere, which is why women love that song. Romance is NOT a bouquet of flowers (unless she likes flowers). It’s singing her favourite slow song in her ear when no one else is around…it’s holding her hand instead of your Blackberry in public…it’s greeting her with a slow kiss hello instead of a peck on the cheek…it’s calling her at 2 p.m. to say you want to do nasty things to her instead of at 2 a.m.

This is what I’m being told guys and this is what I mean by little luxuries - she will luxuriate in these moments, these gestures...just as much as the other stuff. It’s about finding out what puts a smile on her face and consistently doing it every time…try it. Tell me how it goes.


xoxo

(or...sometimes she's using you for sex)

If you read the first entry of my Kiss Kiss...Bang Bang series (which is all about sexual interactions), here's the second.

Jump-off (\ˈjəmp\ \ˈȯf\) noun.
a female who is available anytime & anyplace for any type of sexual encounter
(source: urbandictionary.com)

vs.

Butterfinger (\ˈbə-tər\ \ˈfiŋ-gər\) noun.
a male that is not considered boyfriend material but is usually available for a sexual encounter.

"It may not be Godiva...but at least it's Butterfinger..." (From Darling Nicky of darlingnicky999.com)

Yes guys, it's true, don't let the magazines fool you. There are women out there who only want to have sex with you. Whether it's the need for skin to skin contact, an ego boost, or she just can't be bothered to go out and buy batteries...you will be that guy she has in the address book under "S" (even if your name starts with "R")

Sometimes, it's your ex girlfriend, a friend, or that one girl "you hit it off with", but never got around to calling. You bump into her one day and...she doesn't dog you out or pretend that you were in a relationship. After a few moments, you start to reminisce and think "I wonder if that's still available?"

Guess what? She's wondering the same thing. You know why she didn't call/text/stalk your facebook page/BBM/tweet or Ping you? You were okay. Just okay.

She may have acted a fool, but she was acting. She may have invited you to spend the night (or stayed the night) but wasn't trying to have breakfast in the morning. But now, it's been a while since you two "hit it off" and she seems agreeable. Agreeable. Not enthusiastic. Not eager. Agreeable.

Because you know sometimes it's been a while since you've had a really good meal, but you just go to the drive through to get a happy meal? Yeah, well she's been craving Godiva, but here you are with a Butterfinger...so she took it

(Hey, be grateful you're not a butterface)

Now, if it's your ex girlfriend, it's a case of the "devil you know". She will know exactly what to expect...maybe with the added dash of hope that you've learned something in your separation (I'm assuming it was a good break up), or you were a crap boyfriend but the best damn sex she's ever had. But she doesn't want you back. This is referred to amongst women as "backsliding", "trip down memory lane", or "reduce, reuse, recycle".

If it's a friend - please please please tread lightly. My first inclination is to not head down that path at all. I've only witnessed 2 friendships come back from crossing that line. Why is she doing it? Well one of two reasons: she's hoping that sex + friendship = relationship OR that sex + friendship = friends with benefits.

Frankly, I'm always surprised when guys are surprised that women feel this way. *smacks you all upside the head* This is not exclusive to men! Women can and will call you (or wait until you call) and "hit it off" and there. She got what she wanted until the next time she wants it.

Don't take it personally boo...she's just not that into you.

Oh, you didn't know? Yes, sweeties...newsflash: women cheat.

(I wait until you fully absorb that)

Women cheat. Not always. Not often. Usually with a lot of guilt and anger thrown in…but women cheat.

Here's the kicker: women who cheat, do it for the same reasons men do. I know, hard to believe. I'm not talking about playing the field, or a woman celebrating her inner Samantha Jones... I'm talking about your girlfriend, your wife, your boo, stepping out on you.

Why?

Did you not read the part a sentence ago about "same reasons"? Okay. So let me be specific. Your beloved did not turn into a whore overnight. She stepped out on the relationship because she couldn't find what she wanted at home anymore. Frustrated, angry, lonely; these are all very plausible reasons. Do they sound familiar? Of course they do! But, as you might've heard...it's not always about sex. Sure, sex is the end result, (whoooo!) but it could be, oh...FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU GUYS CHEAT! Have you ever done it? Cheated? Think about why you did. Okay. Now we can continue.

If you've never cheated, bravo...ask the other dudes who have why they do it, and we can continue.

Who?

It's not always the obvious...let's get that straight right now. You know the hot guy she works with that you met that day when you picked her up because they were stuck working late? Yeah, he's not prime suspect #1. Women are more subtle than that.You know her best friend, John? The one you thought was gay until she mentioned that John and his girlfriend just broke up? He could be a possibility, but not the first choice either.

But remember that weekend? When you had that fight about quality time or some bullshit like that? When she said she just wanted to have a girl's night out with her friends? You thought "good, I'll go out with the boys, or play NBA 2K10 online"? So she put on a cute top, sexy shoes, her BFF picked her up and she was home by 2:45?

Yeah. Did you ask her how the night went?

If she complained about the bouncer, the price of drinks, assholes hitting on them at the club, you're good. If she talked about how much fun she had, how drinks were comped by the manager, she met some new friends...well then you're okay. Because those lines of communication are open. Your girl got mad, went out and had a few drinks, blew off some steam and had some fun without your ass.

By the way - if she complains about men in any way to you...it's NOT to make you jealous...it's her way of saying "I'm happy I'm with you and not out there fending off these fools week after week".

But, if you get one of the following: "fine", "it was okay", "we had a good time"...she's not telling you something. Maybe that she received and enjoyed the attention of another man. What happens next is entirely up to her. She might've just danced and flirted with a guy or three. She might've had a drink or two purchased for her...how that falls on your personal "cheating/not cheating" scale varies. But she could've very well met someone she's going to put in her "back pocket".

The Back Pocket...that's what I call him. I had a girlfriend who had an on/off thing for two years with her boyfriend. They would fight, she'd call me up and instead of being my wingman, I ended up being hers (she’d leave the ring at home). She accepts the number, they talk...he texts the next day...she responds. They become "friends". She has now put him in her back pocket, just in case. Funny thing is, the last time she did this, the guy and I became friends and she and I no longer speak. I've never had the heart to tell him the girl he was hung up on just kept him in her back pocket until her boyfriend started to act right...

Her boyfriend's problem? Complacency and the inability to communicate.

If you've been complacent and figure "women don't cheat"? She is getting away with it. If you suspect something is up and don't say shit, then she is getting away with it right now. I'm not saying every guy she calls a friend is in her back pocket (and that includes John the not so gay guy) and you shouldn't treat them as such. Stepping to your potential threat is a bad tactical move. If you're wrong, you're screwed. If you're right? You will never get the truth.

How?

Women are MUCH better at the alibi and this is where you guys get cuckolded. If she is going to cheat on you, she'll do it up right. Her back up (a trusted friend) will call to make "plans", pick her up, and if you were to call that friend the next day - the story would be corroborated to the finest detail…without sounding rehearsed. How? We learned how to do this when we had to sneak out of our houses as horny teenaged girls. The code of silence with women is better than corrupt cops, MI5 or the FBI - you will not find out until after the relationship is dead and the file's released.

When?

Again. Not the obvious. She comes home late after a long night of work...she was working late. Mr. Back Pocket is a lunchtime thing, a late-night text or phone call, emails and chat messages (what we now call "emotional cheating"). If she has gone to the next step, then there will be "sleepovers" at the trusted friend’s house, calls from the other room...etc. If you've noticed a pattern of behaviour yet, you're right: women cheat the same way men do - just better. She may have never played Texas Hold 'Em, but her poker face is perfect. Deflection? She will throw in your face the same reasons she's cheating on you without ever admitting to cheating on you. Her accomplice may not be the best friend, so you can’t look there, because we can develop a network of trusted girls with a few sentences. All we have to do is paint you in a bad light and voila, justifiable relationship homicide.

NOT all women cheat (I don’t, so don’t shoot the messenger) but we all know how. How cheating women get away with it? You’re afraid to “pussy out” and ask. You think that by being vulnerable or opening that door that you’re being weak. You’re being stupid and that’s what she’s counting on. That YOU think that by asking how the relationship is going that you’re a punk.

Well, when I ask about her day or her night out, she accuses me of checking up on her! Yeah, if you ask about her life away from you when you think she’s getting away from you. Duh. All of a sudden you’re interested in what we did when previously you zoned out? Thanks for the head’s up…

Disclosure: I had a boyfriend a few years back who hated club and I love(d) dancing. I would go out with my girls and be home well before sunrise. I’d crawl into bed and he’d say (with a smirk) “how many tried to hit on you tonight?” If there were none, I’d say none. If there was any, I’d tell him. He in turn didn’t have to lie when he was going to strip club. We were good. One night, we had a screaming fight. I already had plans and went out. I came home just as the sky was getting light. He was awake…because he wanted to make sure I came home. He wasn’t going to sleep on that situation…

Guys, don’t sleep on the situation. Address it, keep communication open. Because if you don’t, she’s gonna reach in her back pocket…

I know what my opinions are on this but:

A little over 33 minutes is the average length of the average sex session, including foreplay.

source

Agree or Disagree? Post your responses below...

Just read this on Twitter:

@ShottaDru: Anything that bleeds 7days and dont die cant b trusted RT @ItsGigi2u: @SmoovYMF @DJKDawgRD @ShottaDru WE DON'T TRUST YA'LL!!!

I've heard this joke made many times before about women. My first (snarky) inclination is to respond: anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die is bloody invincible. I'd like to see your punk ass try it for one month.

But, ladies, we all know the reason behind this assertion: these folks have trust issues. Those cannot be fixed without the aid of a licensed therapist...

Moving on...