(or how to properly handle a hook up...)

This has come up a lot lately - heh.

But first, what might be for some a minor or major revelation: not every woman NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to have sex. Women are capable of flings, one night stands, encounters, fuck buddy-ism, or as my (way too young) friend Charlie Brown calls it "communications". Yes. You don't have to wife her in order to fuck her. BUT there is a way to handle it with grace:

1 - be honest about what it is from the start, even if you think she doesn't want to hear it. My gawd, I'm so sick of hearing/reading the advice that men give to each other about lying. You know what makes a girl a crazy bitch? Lying. When we find out you've lied, it makes it MUCH MUCH worse than what you were trying to cover up.

For instance: the story goes that we were "seeing" each other. He sat me down and had the talk and it went like this: It's fun being with you, but I just got out of a relationship, I can't be in a relationship right now...so I just want to make sure you're not expecting anything more... blah blah blah..." Me: great, because I don't want a relationship either. Glad to see we're on the same page...now take off your clothes."

Three days later, he introduced me to one of his friends as his girlfriend. Oh and on the same day, said he had to stop at his sister's house. Where we stayed for dinner. Oh did I mention it was Good Friday? Yeah...which leads to:

2 - don't give mixed signals. Yes, he got cussed for the above and was called on it. Speaking of mixed signals...

3 - if she says she's a relationship type but is cool with the "arrangement", end it. She's the relationship type and is NOT okay with the arrangement. Do not try to justify it after by saying "you knew what this was..." Because here's another revelation: women are capable of lying. How do you find out whether or not she's the relationship type? Well...

4 - talk about how you're feeling about relationships from the beginning and remember 1 and 2 - be honest. No mixed signals. A mixed signal would be to ask her how she feels about relationships. She could misread this as "how do you feel about a relationship with me?". Instead, say "I'm into having fun right now...I don't want anything serious...blah blah" and MEAN it. Because I know you are screaming at the monitor "but that's what I said!". AGAIN: mean it! No more of this bullshit "I could be in a relationship with you, but not right now..." if she is relationship material for you, don't treat her like a jumpoff. Talk about sex, talk about TV. Don't talk about your childhood, don't ask about hers. Basically, don't involve her in your life and don't involve yourself in hers!

Don't ask about her family. Don't ask about her friends. Don't offer advice when she comes to you with a problem. Don't spend the night. Don't cuddle.

This is sex. NOT a relationship.

Do give her advance notice by at least a few hours (she may have to wax/shave).
Do bring the party favours (I mean condoms, not toys).
Do be considerate of her needs...yes, you've finished, so she gets to as well...
Do be a friend and not an asshole - you know, be complimentary, she did something great, thank her, make sure she gets home okay
Do remember 1 and 2 at all times.... so when she's giving it to you so good you want to cry and she asks what you're doing in a month because she needs a date to a wedding...say no.

Will this make you popular with her? NO. Will she call you an asshole? Probably. Will she badmouth you to her friends? YES... but when she describes what you said and how you acted and her trusted BFF realizes that you were honest at all times: I'll -- I mean, her BFF will look at her and say "but he told you that he didn't want a relationship!"

When you see her on the street (because let's face it, how often are you going to go out?) don't ignore her! You're with people? Introduce her as your friend. No intonation, no winks, no "special friend". Just "my friend ____________" You know you're going to tell your boys you hit it after, but remember, be a friend and avoid making her feel like she's a party favour when she's standing in front of you.

Speaking of friends...if you've been friends for a while, and I mean like years...but nothing ever happened? It won't. Don't call her up after years of friendship and try to turn your friend into a "buddy". You can turn a friend into a girlfriend, but you cannot turn her into a buddy. The mere suggestion of it after years of friendship degrades the friendship, and insults her. As for the buddy, keep in touch for as long as you want to sleep with her. Don't have long intimate conversations that last for 5 hours (that's a mixed signal) actually, if you can talk to her for 5 hours...she's not a jumpoff.

And if you meet someone that you like and feel like you could date this girl? Don't call the "buddy" when you feel like getting some. Oh, you KNOW that happens. My boy decided to respect the wishes of the girl he liked and waited about a month...but was getting it every week from the "buddy". You do that, and you risk the wrath of two crazy bitches...

Need to know some post-fling protocol? Stay tuned....

p.s. I didn't know what to name this first (of many) posts on this subject and then the lovely and talented Nebby Neb of the Segment tweeted (for unrelated reasons) the words "kiss kiss, bang bang". Thanks sweetie!

My first instinct is to call her a 3 a.m. Girl...but she has some cool retorts to bad pickup lines. One you get past the valley girl tripping on E voice...

As seen on Twitter

COME ON! - Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question: How do I look? Men lie lie lie...

He then retweeted my response:

MEN - RT @herlilblackbook: NO, do not lie lie lie! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Frame the truth delicately if you have to be negative...

Do you need advice on how to break not so great news? Email me: rsvp@herlilblackbook.com

Okay, this post took about a week to compose. Because I was involved, I wanted to make sure that I was being objective, critical without being bitchy and well...okay, on to the story:

Out with my girl @darlingnicky999 for some fun and frivolity, which we had a lot of (heh). As any good night in Toronto should end, we went for the customary late night/early morning Chinese. We sat down and ordered and...in walked The Freak and the Cockroach. The Freak made a beeline for the table and started to flirt with my girl. For the first, erm 2 minutes, he was funny and charming. And then he ran out of material...started in on about his fetishes and just got creepy. My girl remained polite while he talked, and I tuned out as soon as he asked me my least favourite question "what's your background?". I hate it because a: it's not that big a mystery, b: I usually get asked it in the first 5 minutes of meeting an (annoying) person and I find that to be too personal a question and c: it's usually asked when it's not relevant. When I countered with my favourite answer, "guess." he proceeded to get his back up - if you've ever seen someone with multiple personalities switch...yeah.

His response: "look, I'm older than 35 years and I don't like to play games..."

Alrighty then. Don't ask game playing questions then.

Oh, yeah. The Cockroach. While The Freak is trying his best to get in with my girl, the Cockroach sat alone at their table sulking. He was hungry, tired, drunk and he was waiting for his boy before ordering. What did The Freak say "order me some soup!"

Okay: guys, when we see you treat your friends with such disregard - you fail. You want to impress a girl? Suggest a group meal...at that hour of the day, everyone is in high spirits. Wouldn't be so wrong.

Our waiter comes over and whispers to me "he's bad news! Tell your friend not to bother with this guy!"

Okay: guys, when the WAITER knows your modus operandi, FIND A NEW LATE NIGHT RESTAURANT!

Then, The Freak gets up to go to the bathroom, The Cockroach comes over and asks my friend point blank if she finds his friend attractive. She demurs (she hasn't made up her mind what she thinks of this dude), but The Cockroach persists and says "it's a yes or no answer". So she says no. Oh, did I mention that before she answered, The Cockroach called The Freak an asshole?

Okay: GUYS! MAKE SURE YOUR WINGMAN ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES YOU!!

Then, The Cockroach turns on me. I have spent this entire time watching and not saying much. So what possessed him to ask me if I found HIM attractive? I don't think he is, but what am I supposed to say?

Me: well, you're not my type (translation: I wouldn't fuck you)...but that's just me, I don't like guys with hair.

Him: well, I need a haircut, and I'm not properly groomed...need to shave...

Me: no, it looks good but --

Him: don't tell me that it looks good when I know it doesn't!

Me: oooookay. Well, I'm not an expert at men's barbering --

He then proceeded to talk to me about false compliments as a psychological thing and that I was trying to deflect from larger issues blah blah blah "I studied psychology" was his ending...

WHAT?!?!

Guys: if the compliment is given, don't throw it back in her face. Okay, I won't fuck you, but I'm trying to NOT hurt your feelings.

After he dismisses me, leaving me stunned, he turns to my girl and calls her Rosita...because she has a flower in her hair. SHE's confused, because she can't figure why he's calling her that.

Me: it's not a rose...?

Him: (to my girl) See? Because I CORRECTED her just now, she feels the need to contradict everything I say from this point forward in order to feel better---

Me: but it's not a rose?!

Him: she just wants to prove a point.

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it anymore. I also made a vow that from this point forward, I will hand my card to guys like this.

Him: that's a fake laugh to cover up your discomfort. It's a defensive laugh.

Okay you Napoleonic motherfucker... Read the lessons above, because the next time we cross paths, I will have no choice but to stand up (because my 5'3.75 ass is taller than you) and step on you like, a Cockroach.The Freak comes back, The Cockroach returns to the table to eat what he's ordered, and we want to get the cheque ASAP.

The cheque arrives and, we've been charged for items that we didn't order. We start to signal the waiter and The Freak shouts out across THE FUCKING RESTAURANT "YO! MY BOY! COME HERE!" This is mortifying. It's 4 a.m., everyone is staring and my girl and I want to crawl under the table.

Guys: how many times do we have to say this? If you act like an asshole around service people, we know that's how you really are!?!? It's not a good look.

And here is the FML moment. It turns out we have friends in common with these two...which means we will bump into them again (and we have). What does this say about them? What does this say about our friends? This part still boggles the mind a week later...but that's not for today's lesson. Because we've already revealed that we have people in common, both The Freak and the Cockroach think they have an "in". They don't. Telling me to tell a friend of ours that you say "hi" 5 times in 5 minutes tells me that a: you're drunk and b:you're trying too hard.

Guys, you are not judged by the scope of your contacts but the way you carry yourself. Read the bold text above for the short answers... how is it said? Oh yes: epic fail.

Hahaha...

From the gang at heavy.com

Okay fellas, video coming up to support this, but today I wanted to write about the “Gatekeepers”…

Ooops, let me refer to them the way you’re used to: cockblockers. You go out to a club, you start to talk to the girl and her girl swoops in, interrupts or literally drags her away. And you’re left standing there thinking WTF? Or, your GF has that ONE friend who gives you the screwiest of the screw faces every time she sees you, barely utters a hello and even though you’ve been together for YEARS, she has no love for your whatsoever. You could give this girl a kidney and she’d still refer to you as “whatshisname”.

Here’s my theory as to why they exist:

The Gatekeeper of the Club – standards and practices

When a guy chooses a wingman for the club, it’s to facilitate his success. You know, he may want to find a meaningful relationship that lasts for a week or so, and his boy will help him find that minute mate. When a girl chooses a wingwoman, she is there to ensure success.

The difference?

The girl is a hell of lot more choosy. If she knows her girl isn’t attracted to men shorter than her, she will veto – yes, even if the guy is a great guy (sorry). You’re drunk? She will intercept any pass. You’re doing the stanky leg? Yeah, she will make sure both your stank legs walk home alone and numberless.

YES. There are the crab bucket girls who will be jealous and intercept because she thought you were coming for her, but I have found that 80% of the time, she is protecting her girl from making the wrong choice. If I’ve said this a million times before, I will say it again right now:

You have one chance to make that first impression.

I’m NOT talking about impressing the object of your attention.

If you have started talking to her and she’s talking back. She’s interested. If she smiles (with her eyes)or laughs, she’s interested, if she looks in your eyes while talking, she’s interested. If you say something and she leans in, she’s interested. If she sticks her tongue in your ear while dancing, you’re getting some at some point.

But if the Gatekeeper comes over and says: “We need to go…” or, “I’ve been looking for you!” or,“that pussy is mine!”? It’s likely because the object of your attention has done none of the above, her girl has read her body language (which you have failed to do) and is coming in for the block. We have subtle distress signals that we send out…sometimes even a female stranger will come in and gatekeep if she sees the signal(s). Now, I’ve seen men give the advice that in these situations, you need to deflect the Gatekeeper. Ever wonder why that didn’t work out? Because it was wrong…all you need to do is demonstrate to her that you are not a serial killer, sociopath or asshole (and if you did the stanky leg, that you’re really a better dancer than that). How do you do this?

Be nice to the Gatekeeper – don’t flirt with her or blow smoke up her ass. If it’s not genuine, they’ll put an electric field on that gate.

Continue to make the object of your attention a priority, but don’t try to ignore the Gatekeeper. If she sees that there is genuine mutual interest, she will leave you alone.

Do NOT employ your wingman to intercept. Bad. Bad. Bad. WE all know what a wingman is and their purpose is…she will still be watching and waiting for the signal.

Okay. You’ve succeeded, you got past the gate. Congrats. Don’t. Fuck. It. Up.

This was my Follow Friday list - if you didn't make it, it's because I need to save something for next week...xoxox

@focuseddiva - hilarious…sneaky and when she's on after 11 p.m. a little bit naughty

@darlingnicky999 - real, honest and hilarious

@heyhomee - he's a little bit odd…okay, he's a lot odd....

@nebbyneb - have you read "The Segment"? yeah you should

@maxfab - her blog is required daily reading…she writes what I think (she's psychic)

@bennybing - WARNING: not for the faint of heart or the stupid

@firstladyd - doing big things…and still has time to tweet

@kaysunmusic - because she genuinely enjoys eating healthy food and will tweet about it

@roshine - he has self esteem issues...

@toflo - chinese waiters…3 a.m… 'nuff said (snap to it!)

@johnnyofliveagl - WHOOMP!

@alexofliveagl - THERE IT IS!!

@readbeanpie - he's a Yankee…so his spelling is a bit off

@camerontilbury - because he's a Brit (sort of) and his spelling's impeccable

@wontonfm - mmm…food…

@__melissa - because she loves CUPCAKES!

@iamrilla - have you seen these photos??

@djlissamonet - I dance to whatever she spins…she could spin dinner plates and it'd be cool

@4StaceyStar - hear she knows how to throw a good party

@mspaigemusic - have you heard her sing??

@jahvon - talented MC and too damn adorable

@cocolowecoco and @lowecocolowe - these ladies also know how to throw a good party…

@miss_tee and @emti - you MUST follow the dialogue between these two - hilarious

@creamworldmag - just follow, you'll see...

@mistavybe - did someone say soca?