Okay, this post took about a week to compose. Because I was involved, I wanted to make sure that I was being objective, critical without being bitchy and well...okay, on to the story:

Out with my girl @darlingnicky999 for some fun and frivolity, which we had a lot of (heh). As any good night in Toronto should end, we went for the customary late night/early morning Chinese. We sat down and ordered and...in walked The Freak and the Cockroach. The Freak made a beeline for the table and started to flirt with my girl. For the first, erm 2 minutes, he was funny and charming. And then he ran out of material...started in on about his fetishes and just got creepy. My girl remained polite while he talked, and I tuned out as soon as he asked me my least favourite question "what's your background?". I hate it because a: it's not that big a mystery, b: I usually get asked it in the first 5 minutes of meeting an (annoying) person and I find that to be too personal a question and c: it's usually asked when it's not relevant. When I countered with my favourite answer, "guess." he proceeded to get his back up - if you've ever seen someone with multiple personalities switch...yeah.

His response: "look, I'm older than 35 years and I don't like to play games..."

Alrighty then. Don't ask game playing questions then.

Oh, yeah. The Cockroach. While The Freak is trying his best to get in with my girl, the Cockroach sat alone at their table sulking. He was hungry, tired, drunk and he was waiting for his boy before ordering. What did The Freak say "order me some soup!"

Okay: guys, when we see you treat your friends with such disregard - you fail. You want to impress a girl? Suggest a group meal...at that hour of the day, everyone is in high spirits. Wouldn't be so wrong.

Our waiter comes over and whispers to me "he's bad news! Tell your friend not to bother with this guy!"

Okay: guys, when the WAITER knows your modus operandi, FIND A NEW LATE NIGHT RESTAURANT!

Then, The Freak gets up to go to the bathroom, The Cockroach comes over and asks my friend point blank if she finds his friend attractive. She demurs (she hasn't made up her mind what she thinks of this dude), but The Cockroach persists and says "it's a yes or no answer". So she says no. Oh, did I mention that before she answered, The Cockroach called The Freak an asshole?

Okay: GUYS! MAKE SURE YOUR WINGMAN ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES YOU!!

Then, The Cockroach turns on me. I have spent this entire time watching and not saying much. So what possessed him to ask me if I found HIM attractive? I don't think he is, but what am I supposed to say?

Me: well, you're not my type (translation: I wouldn't fuck you)...but that's just me, I don't like guys with hair.

Him: well, I need a haircut, and I'm not properly groomed...need to shave...

Me: no, it looks good but --

Him: don't tell me that it looks good when I know it doesn't!

Me: oooookay. Well, I'm not an expert at men's barbering --

He then proceeded to talk to me about false compliments as a psychological thing and that I was trying to deflect from larger issues blah blah blah "I studied psychology" was his ending...

WHAT?!?!

Guys: if the compliment is given, don't throw it back in her face. Okay, I won't fuck you, but I'm trying to NOT hurt your feelings.

After he dismisses me, leaving me stunned, he turns to my girl and calls her Rosita...because she has a flower in her hair. SHE's confused, because she can't figure why he's calling her that.

Me: it's not a rose...?

Him: (to my girl) See? Because I CORRECTED her just now, she feels the need to contradict everything I say from this point forward in order to feel better---

Me: but it's not a rose?!

Him: she just wants to prove a point.

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it anymore. I also made a vow that from this point forward, I will hand my card to guys like this.

Him: that's a fake laugh to cover up your discomfort. It's a defensive laugh.

Okay you Napoleonic motherfucker... Read the lessons above, because the next time we cross paths, I will have no choice but to stand up (because my 5'3.75 ass is taller than you) and step on you like, a Cockroach.The Freak comes back, The Cockroach returns to the table to eat what he's ordered, and we want to get the cheque ASAP.

The cheque arrives and, we've been charged for items that we didn't order. We start to signal the waiter and The Freak shouts out across THE FUCKING RESTAURANT "YO! MY BOY! COME HERE!" This is mortifying. It's 4 a.m., everyone is staring and my girl and I want to crawl under the table.

Guys: how many times do we have to say this? If you act like an asshole around service people, we know that's how you really are!?!? It's not a good look.

And here is the FML moment. It turns out we have friends in common with these two...which means we will bump into them again (and we have). What does this say about them? What does this say about our friends? This part still boggles the mind a week later...but that's not for today's lesson. Because we've already revealed that we have people in common, both The Freak and the Cockroach think they have an "in". They don't. Telling me to tell a friend of ours that you say "hi" 5 times in 5 minutes tells me that a: you're drunk and b:you're trying too hard.

Guys, you are not judged by the scope of your contacts but the way you carry yourself. Read the bold text above for the short answers... how is it said? Oh yes: epic fail.